Episode 179 - Best Of: My Favorite Sentences
The holiday season is approaching fast, and alongside the excitement, you may already be feeling the weight of all the expectations that come with it. Between family traditions, travel plans, and trying to make everyone happy, you can end up with very little energy to enjoy the things you were looking forward to. If you’re ready to do things differently this year, today you’ll get three simple sentences you can use to help you navigate difficult conversations with loved ones when speaking up feels hard. This episode was originally released closer to the holidays, but it is worth revisiting now so you can keep these sentences in your back pocket as you start making plans and navigating expectations.
How long have you been putting off the hard conversation? Join Sara live for one hour for her free workshop, SPEAK UP. There’s no replay, so bring the conversation you keep avoiding. You’ll learn the Three Speak Up Skills and figure out what’s keeping you stuck.
Here’s what you’ll uncover in this episode:
Why changing family traditions or plans can bring up anxiety, guilt, and fear of disappointing people
Why you feel the need to prove or justify what you want before asking for it
How to acknowledge someone else’s perspective without giving up your own wants and needs
The conversational tug of war that happens when someone disagrees with your choices
Why someone else’s disappointment doesn’t have to come at the expense of what you want
Register for SPEAK UP: sarafisk.coach/voice
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pages.sarafisk.coach/difficultconversations
youtube.com/@sarafiskcoaching1333
Transcript
00:59
I wanted to do, um, a shorter episode today with just a couple of things that have been so helpful for me around the holidays.
01:09
I'm recording this on Monday, December 4th. The holidays are in full swing. I really don't know where October and November went, but here we are.
01:20
And for a lot of us who are unwinding our people pleasing and perfectionism, the holidays bring, um, a really interesting time because there are a lot of expectations, a lot of, um, religious and family traditions, family dynamics, financial strain, other people's expectations, our expectations.
01:45
And especially with people pleasers and perfectionists, we, we really want to have a beautiful holiday that everybody loves. I love the holidays.
01:54
I love gathering with my friends and family, and it can also kind of be this landmine that we, we are, are learning how to navigate.
02:07
And mostly what makes the holidays difficult are uncomfortable emotions that come up when we want the holidays to be a different way, and we don't quite know how to get it.
02:21
One of the things that I did, uh, this year was offer something called the Stop People Pleasing Holiday Edition, which is a very mini-sized experience with some of the things that I teach around how to stop people pleasing and perfectionating.
02:36
And that group is, is going right now.
02:39
We've been having a great time, and people have written plans for what they want their holiday to be that include their wants and needs, and we've worked on how to execute that, how to get that.
02:53
And here's what it comes down to. Are you willing to listen to what you want, include it in the equation, and have the conversations that are needed to set new expectations?
03:11
For a lot of us, that's really difficult because we often feel like we are putting on a holiday for other people, and that their wants and needs matter most.
03:21
But what it really comes down to, all of the work we're doing is can I listen to myself, what I want and need? Can I make that equal with what other people want and need?
03:31
And then can I put different desires or the different way we-- I want to include my wants and needs in conversations with people?
03:42
Oftentimes, these conversations are difficult because we want to let other people know that things are changing, plans are changing, expectations are changing, and we wanna bring them in the loop, but that's also where we bump up against disappointing other people.
04:02
And so our work is to lovingly tolerate within ourselves that anxiety or the fear or the guilt that comes up in these situations and to understand that it is normal.
04:15
When things change, it is normal for people to feel disappointment.
04:20
When we decide that the way that we've done the holiday in the past is so much work, and we don't wanna do it that way anymore, we wanna make some changes, it's normal for there to be disappointment, and it's normal for there to be anxiety and fear on our part when letting other people know.
04:39
We can never, ever forget that as humans, we are always looking for safety and connection, and we want to have relationships with people that we love that are responsive and reciprocal, meaning we do want to know what other people want.
04:59
Sometimes we do want to meet their needs and wants, but the work of people pleasers is to bring their own wants and needs into the equation as equally important.
05:15
And so sometimes what that means is I pick my wants and needs, and I need to let you know about that.
05:24
So if you are having some of these conversations this holiday season, I want to offer three of my very most favorite sentences that I say all the time because they can provide the foundation for a very different experience.
05:41
Here they are. Sentence number one, "I'm here." It's just an acknowledgement that my attention and my focus is here right now, that I am plugged into this moment. I am present here.
05:58
Sentence number two, "I'm listening." Means I'm paying attention. It means I'm interested in what you have to say. And sentence number three, that makes sense. Or I get that.
06:12
I understand why you feel this way.
06:15
The reason that I like to start conversations with those sentences is because whenever we are modifying things, expectations, or changing plans, so often we can get into like a, a conversational tug of war with the other person because what we think we need to do is prove or convince someone else of our position.
06:43
Now, women, humans who are socialized as women, we come by this honestly. We are conditioned to believe that wanting something isn't a good enough reason to ask for it.
06:56
It has to be painstakingly analyzed, researched, and then presented with all of the good reasons that are documented and checked before what we want is valid.
07:10
And so we often enter conversations where we are going to ask for something that we want or something that we need or something that we want to have happen, some kind of change.
07:20
We often enter the conversation where we think there might be disagreement ready for a fight or ready for the tug of war. And I don't think fighting is necessarily bad or wrong.
07:35
I also think that sometimes we go into these conversations where we are changing things up and we end up fighting because we don't know that there's another way.
07:48
And I think those three sentences open up the other way. So I wanna also say this: what you want is enough just because you want it. So that's the first thing I'd really like you to consider.
08:08
When you're thinking about holidays or just regular non-holiday life and you want something different, it is enough just because you want it.
08:20
That is a good enough reason, that you feel desire in your body for it, that it is something that you have dreamed about either doing or not doing anymore, adding to your holiday or taking out, something that is different from the way things have been.
08:39
It is enough just because you want it.
08:43
So if you can believe that's true, then let's see how these three sentences actually give you the opportunity to change the tone and a trajectory of a conversation when you're introducing some changes to the holiday that have the potential to disappoint other people.
09:04
You can use one, two, or all three of these sentences, but let's just consider that when you start a conversation with, "I'm here," what you're really saying is, "I'm present.
09:16
I'm willing to be here with you." Number two, I'm listening. I'm paying attention. I understand what you're saying. I'm right here experiencing your experience with either the changes I wanna make.
09:32
I'm experiencing what is going on for you. And number three, that makes sense. I can see your point of view. Now, I'll borrow an example from the Stop People Pleasing Holiday Edition group.
09:47
One participant talked about, um, wanting to opt out of a family dinner situation where she knew that a relative would be present who had been very unkind to her in the past.
10:00
We'll call this relative Aunt Mary.
10:03
So this participant told her mom, uh, "Mom, I'm assuming that Aunt Mary is coming to Thanksgiving dinner." And Mom said, "Yeah, she's gonna be there." And participant said, "Well, Mom, I will not be coming if Aunt Mary is going to be there.
10:23
If you remember, this has happened in the past. She's been very unkind about my family situation.
10:28
She's been very unkind to my partner, and so we will not be coming." Now, Mom predictably has a reaction to this because Mom wants everybody sitting around the dinner table having a good time.
10:45
And so when Mom begins to disagree and to point out all the reasons why my client was wrong, how she should come, my client said to her, "Mom, I understand. I understand your point of view.
11:00
I get that you want all of us around the dinner table." Now, this is a really good place to point out that saying, "This makes sense. I understand," does not mean I agree.
11:19
It does not mean I will be changing my mind or that I will be making a different decision or I will be modifying my plans.
11:25
What it does is it gave my client a chance to communicate to her mom, "Mom, what you're saying to me makes sense.
11:33
I get that what you want is all of us sitting around the dinner table having an enjoyable Norman Rockwell holiday experience.
11:44
But my decision is based on not wanting to be pretending at the dinner table with Aunt Mary because of some of the really unkind things that she has said.
11:57
So I understand, Mom, why you feel this way, and I will not be changing my mind.
12:04
I will still be doing what is right and best for me." When you start a conversation, even if you don't say, "I'm here and I'm listening," but that's your mindset, it opens up an opportunity for someone else to express whatever's going on for them, their disappointment, even their disagreement, and for you to still hold a space for that while simultaneously realizing that what they want doesn't threaten what you want.
12:36
What they hope doesn't have to torpedo or change what you want. Both things can exist. And so when my client said to her, "Mom, I understand what you...
12:47
It makes sense that you want that," it's almost like the fight, the, the rope, the tug of war just dropped because she is expressing acceptance. Like, "Mom, I understand why you feel that way.
13:03
I accept that those are your thoughts, that that is what you want." And it also saves room for her own perspective, and Aunt Mary is some- not someone I feel comfortable with, and I will not be changing my mind.
13:23
It works really, really well to just bypass a lot of the tugging that we do back and forth between our opinions and others when we can just accept, "Yeah, there's, there's definitely a difference in opinion here.
13:39
I get yours, and I will still be doing what I think is right for me." It works really well with kids who are disappointed.
13:50
I have five kids, and sometimes I don't understand their big emotions, their feelings, but when I say to them, "I can understand why you feel that way," what it means is I am here with you in this discomfort, even when I don't understand the reasons why.
14:11
It says to them, "I understand that this is what you are feeling right now. I understand that this is what is happening, and I can accept that this is what is happening.
14:24
You're frustrated, you're angry, you're sad, you're disappointed. That makes sense.
14:30
It is what is happening right now." So often as a mom and as a people pleaser and perfectionist, what I do and what we do is we wanna go into fixing and making it better by disproving their reasons for being uncomfortable or dislodging their negative emotions and trying to make it better, and we say things like, "You know, you shouldn't feel this way.
14:54
There's all these other reasons why you should feel a different way." And that just starts a fight with reality because they are feeling that way.
15:04
Even mom, who's upset that her, my client isn't gonna go to dinner with Aunt Mary, her discomfort makes sense, even if we don't agree with it.
15:15
And so going into disproving and trying to argue against the reality of other people's emotions, it just sends the conversation in a completely different direction.
15:28
When we can start with, how does this make sense for them, it gives us a way in to understanding and accepting where we just drop that rope, drop the tug of war.
15:43
Starting with this makes sense shows a willingness to slow down and acknowledge the discomfort that is a normal part of people being in relationship and that it is not a problem.
15:58
We might not wanna stay here. This might not be the end, but it's part of the process and the journey.
16:05
So I'm here, I'm listening, it makes sense, works really, really well with conversations where other people, there's the potential for them to be disappointed or upset about changes that we are making in our behavior, in what we're willing to do or not do.
16:25
But the place that this has made the biggest difference using these sentences and really understanding their capacity to change the experience is actually with me and my emotions, my experience.
16:42
When I am having big discomfort, big emotions, frustration, anger, grief, rage, s- sadness, fear, when I can tell myself, "I'm here. I'm listening.
17:00
This makes so much sense," even as I say that to myself right now, I just kind of feel this melting inside my body, this melting of resistance, this melting of self-criticism and self-judgment.
17:19
Feels like I have more space to kind of breathe. My hand goes to my chest in kind of a loving, focused way of making contact with my body and focusing myself on me, my, my emotions, my experience.
17:39
This happened for me recently. I'm reading a book right now. It's called On Our Best Behavior by Elise Löhnen, and it is about how the Seven Deadly Sins have been used to control and punish women.
17:54
And I was driving, listening to the book, and this rage just bubbled up inside of me, and my hand went to my chest, and I said, "This makes so much sense. I am not bad.
18:10
I am not wrong for feeling this anger at the way that I have been programmed To be for other people in the world. This makes sense. I make sense. My tears make sense. My anger makes sense.
18:28
And again, it doesn't mean that I want to stay here in anger and rage and frustration.
18:35
It doesn't even think that I'm, quote unquote, "right." Like being right isn't even part of the equation anymore. I'm having my experience, you're having your experience, and they both make sense.
18:49
What it means is that I accept that this is what is happening right now. I am full of rage. It makes sense, and it is where I am right now.
19:02
It has been such a beautiful way to love and care for myself. I'm here. I'm listening. This makes sense.
19:13
When my house is full of people who have traveled to be with me, it's noisy, there's a lot going on, I'm being asked a lot of different questions because it's my home and I know where everything is...
19:25
Yeah, this did happen over Thanksgiving, and I was feeling overloaded and overwhelmed.
19:31
It was really tempting for me to judge myself for not being more present, for not being grateful for the effort that everybody had gone through to be together for this, you know, this holiday dinner.
19:44
I wanted to escape, and I noticed the small temptation to judge myself to, to be more grateful. But what I know is that our judgment, my judgment of my negative emotions make them harder to process.
20:03
When I come at myself with criticism or self-doubt, all I do is I take whatever uncomfortable emotion I'm feeling, in that case, it was overloaded and overwhelmed, and then I wrap that discomfort up in criticism and judgment, and then all of my energy is sucked dry by judging myself and criticizing and second-guessing and doubting and telling myself I should be different.
20:28
I never actually get to process the overload and overwhelm.
20:35
When someone is sad that an experience is not different and we criticize and judge, now we're just spinning in criticism and judgment and not just being with them in their sadness.
20:48
That makes so much sense.
20:51
So those sentences, I am here, I am listening, this makes sense, bypass judgment and criticism and allow us the opportunity to just be with the discomfort as a normal part of human experience.
21:07
It doesn't cost us anything to tell people who are in opposition to our choices that we hear them, that we understand their point of view. It doesn't mean we're gonna change.
21:21
It means that we accept it and that it makes sense. It kills the fight. It drops the rope so there is no tug of war, at least from our side.
21:30
Now, obviously, other people are gonna choose to engage they want. How- however they want. But what I have found is that I just have 10 different ways to say, "It makes sense.
21:43
I see where you're coming from. I get it. That's clear to me. I see your perspective. I can really appreciate that. I understand your point of view. I get what you're saying.
21:55
I can empathize with your feelings." And if I just keep saying that and they see I am not going to have a tug of war with you, so many times the rope just drops.
22:11
I'm not saying I agree or I think you're right. I am not saying I will be changing my plans. But what I am saying to myself and to others is that it makes sense.
22:21
It is so kind and generous for me, and so kind and generous for others.
22:25
And so I offer these sentences to you with the real desire that as you and I kind of walk through the potential difficulties, landmines of, of the holiday season, we do it with these sentences in our back pocket so that when we come up against wanting to change something for ourselves or for others, that we can start with just acknowledging that disappointment and discomfort is part of it and it is a normal, necessary part for unraveling our people-pleasing, that we are willing to just be with ourselves in that discomfort and be with other people, especially when those are the relationships that we want to keep and that we want to nurture.
23:11
I hope you have a wonderful week.
