What Do You Say When... You're Unhappy With How it Turned Out? (Copy)
What do you say when you don’t want to go? Your friends are making plans, everyone is excited, and you’re worried that if you say “no” this time, they’ll stop inviting you altogether. So you say “yes” even though what they’re planning isn’t really your thing, and you spend the rest of the week dreading it. You may tell yourself you don’t have a good enough reason to say no, but the cost of going along with everyone else is more than one night you don’t enjoy. This is the final episode of a series called “What Do You Say When…” These short episodes will each give you one concrete thing you can say when you’re stuck in a difficult moment.
If you want more, join Sara live for one hour this week for a free workshop, SPEAK UP. There’s no replay, so bring the conversation you keep avoiding. You’ll learn the Three Speak Up Skills and figure out what’s keeping you stuck.
Register for SPEAK UP: sarafisk.coach/voice
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pages.sarafisk.coach/difficultconversations
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Transcript
00:59
What do you say when you don't wanna go? The group text comes in and the plan is already taking shape.
01:06
They're gonna go to the rodeo, then go to the bar, and then go dancing afterward, and it's just not something you wanna do, but all the replies start coming in.
01:16
"Yes, this is gonna be so fun." People start sending pictures of potential outfits, asking for input, and you're the only one who hasn't responded. In your head, here's what's going on.
01:28
You're hoping that you'll be in the mood by Saturday. You're just tired today, and hopefully by the time Saturday comes around, you'll have a little more energy.
01:38
Everyone else is going, so saying no makes you the problem. You also think, "I'm free.
01:46
There's no reason I should just stay home." You don't have anything else that night, and saying, "I don't like the rodeo, I hate loud bars, and dancing with a bunch of sweaty people just does not appeal to me," that doesn't feel like something you can actually say.
02:01
And so you type back and say, "I'll see you guys there." And then you have the rest of the week that you're carrying it around, and then the dread sets in because you've already said yes, and now you're gonna have to come up with a good reason to not go.
02:19
It makes a lot of sense why you said yes. Wanting different things than the group feels risky.
02:26
You want to be included, and you're afraid if you say no to this, then maybe in the future they'll think you're boring and you won't be invited. Is this happening other places as well?
02:35
Are you saying yes to other things you don't wanna do, or not asking for your opinion to be considered because you're afraid of being excluded?
02:45
It makes sense if that would, because saying yes means that nobody is disappointed, and you're easygoing, and you never have to explain yourself.
02:57
You never have to take the risk of disagreeing or asking for something different. But it's also costing you.
03:05
You've been dreading it every single day, and if you end up going, that'll be a whole night when you could have been doing something else.
03:14
You also have a set of friends who don't know what you actually enjoy because you've just been going along with what they plan and you've never told them.
03:26
If this is what's happening to you, you need to come to my free live workshop. It's happening this week.
03:32
There's no replay, but I wanna help you understand why these conversations are hard for you and why you're getting stuck here.
03:40
I'm also gonna tell you about the missing piece that makes every conversation like this easier. Now, back to the group text. This isn't about your reasons for not going being good enough.
03:54
Maybe you believe that if you're gonna say no, you have to have a really good reason, and it's scary to think about speaking up about what you want.
04:05
So before you say yes, here's what you can say instead: "Sounds like you guys are gonna have fun.
04:12
I'm gonna sit this one out." Or if you've already said yes, text them as soon as you know and say, "When I said yes, I wasn't thinking it all the way through. It's not something I enjoy doing.
04:26
I'll catch you guys on the next one." That's it. No apology, no offering to make it up, no trying to plan something else. If somebody asks why, just reiterate, "It's not something I really enjoy.
04:41
I would love to spend some time with you guys doing something else, like..." And make a suggestion or two.
04:47
And you can also just be very honest, you know, "Rodeos and loud bars and dancing really aren't something I enjoy.
04:53
Tell me the next time you're gonna go to dinner." Your friends will learn something real about you maybe for the first time, and it will feel worse to go and waste that time because what that proves to you is that your needs really don't matter, that they're less important than everybody else's.
05:12
And sooner or later, you'll get so good at this that you're not gonna have a week of dread to avoid a few minutes of discomfort by just saying no and being honest about how you feel.
05:25
Come to that workshop. These are some of the easiest conversations to start getting really good at. I'll teach you exactly how. I'll see you then.
