What Do You Say When... Your Kid Wants the Money Before He Does the Work?
What do you say when your kid wants the money before he does the work? You know the lawn hasn’t been mowed, but when he comes asking for $40, it feels easier to say “yes” than to deal with his disappointment or an argument. You want to have a good relationship with your kid, and every “no” can feel like it costs you closeness. But when you keep bending the rules to avoid that discomfort, the real cost is a relationship where you’re constantly reminding or doing things yourself instead of building the trust and mutual respect you really want. This is the fifth episode of a series called “What Do You Say When…” These short episodes will each give you one concrete thing you can say when you’re stuck in a difficult moment.
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Transcript
00:59
What do you say when your kid wants the money before he does the work?
01:03
It's Saturday morning, and he comes into the kitchen, and he is already talking a mile a minute. He needs $40.
01:11
He needs it in 10 minutes because everybody's buying their tickets right now, and if he doesn't buy his ticket right now, he's gonna be the only one who isn't able to go.
01:21
You look out the window and you know that the lawn hasn't been mowed, and you were just in that bathroom, and you know it hasn't been cleaned.
01:29
Sometimes you wonder if he does this on purpose, just kind of avalanches you with a bunch of words and pressure and friends, all the things that you know really matter to him, and they matter to you, too, just so that you'll say yes.
01:43
He sees the look on your face and says, "Mom, I'll do it tomorrow, I promise." And in your head, here's what's happening. You're going back and forth. You tell yourself it's $40. You have $40.
01:57
This is not the end of the world, and it's certainly not the hill that you want to die on with your teenager, who can turn really sullen when you don't do what he asks.
02:08
You don't wanna have that happen this morning. You tell yourself he's a good kid, and most of the time he really is.
02:13
It's just this jobs thing that he keeps putting off and putting off, and sometimes it doesn't get done at all, and that's frustrating to you.
02:21
But then you tell yourself if you make this a big deal, the whole week is gonna be ruined. He's gonna get mad, and you're gonna be the villain in his story. So you say okay.
02:36
You mention the lawn before he leaves that night in a light voice, and he says, "Yeah, I know, Mom, I know." And then the next day when he doesn't get up and do it, you send him a text.
02:47
And then by Sunday evening, the lawn's not done.
02:51
Maybe you are even out there mowing it yourself because you are tired of hearing your own voice ask, and you know that at this point it's just gonna be a big fight.
03:02
This one's hard because if you don't give him the $40 and he's disappointed, there is a very real consequence, and it's hard to disappoint your kid.
03:15
Somewhere along the way, you learned that having a good relationship and a peaceful house was your responsibility and that keeping people happy is the same thing as loving them.
03:28
But I want you to think past the lawn. Think over the last couple years. How many times has the arrangement been one thing and the outcome has been another? How many deals have there been?
03:42
How many times has he promised, and how many times have you bent the rules for him? And then how many times did you end up doing the thing yourself?
03:53
When you don't bring it up, you get a teenager who likes you, and there is no scene, and you don't have to disappoint him and feel how bad that feels.
04:03
What it is costing is that he has learned that your rules will move if he pushes.
04:10
And then to get the thing done, you have to either be the person who just reminds him so, so sweetly or who nags and then maybe ends up doing it herself.
04:21
And the relationship you really want with him, one of trust, one of confidence, and one of mutual help, isn't turning out to be that way.
04:32
These conversations can be tender for parents, but they don't have to be. Come to my free live workshop that is happening this week.
04:41
I will show you exactly why you are getting stuck here and what to practice so that you don't get stuck anymore. Now, back to Saturday. Here is the thing that is causing tension.
04:53
You love him, and you want him to love and like you. He's getting older.
05:00
The time that he's gonna be in your home with you is getting shorter every day, and every no feels like it costs you a piece of the closeness that you have left.
05:14
So you're buying that closeness for $40. Here's what you say instead. "Listen, son, I love you. I really hope you can go tonight, but the money comes after the work.
05:28
Mow it this morning, and I'll send it to you before you go." He will push back, of course.
05:33
He'll tell you he doesn't have enough time or that everybody's buying their tickets right now or that, "Why are you being so hard about this, Mom?" Or that so-and-so's mom just gives him the money.
05:44
Say it again, same words, same voice. "I love you. After the work." If there's more pushing, then it's time to own something. "You know what? I need to own something.
05:56
You have seen me cave in many, many times when we have been in this similar situation, and I know it's frustrating for you, but that's not something I want to do anymore.
06:07
It doesn't feel good for me, and it doesn't teach you to keep your part of agreements, and that's a really important skill. So I love you.
06:16
Money comes after the work." Maybe you'll say it multiple times. Maybe he will be upset, but he can be annoyed with you and still love you, and you can love him and hold the boundary.
06:31
Come to my workshop. I would love to help you figure out how to make this easier. I'll see you there.
