What Do You Say When... You're Unhappy With How it Turned Out?
What do you say when you’re unhappy with how it turned out? You get your nails done or have new bathroom tile put in, and the work isn’t what you expected. Still, you hesitate to say anything because you don’t want to be viewed as picky, difficult, or demanding. You’ve learned that being agreeable is safer than asking for what you really want, so you might say “No, no, it’s fine” and live with the disappointment instead. But the cost of avoiding that uncomfortable moment is more than paying for something you don’t like. This is the sixth episode of a series called “What Do You Say When…” These short episodes will each give you one concrete thing you can say when you’re stuck in a difficult moment.
If you want more, join Sara live for one hour this week for a free workshop, SPEAK UP. There’s no replay, so bring the conversation you keep avoiding. You’ll learn the Three Speak Up Skills and figure out what’s keeping you stuck.
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Transcript
00:59
What do you say when you're unhappy with how it turned out?
01:04
You're standing in the bathroom doorway and the handyman is packing up his tools in the hall, and the grout line is crooked.
01:12
You can see it from here, which means you're gonna see that every single time you walk past this door or use the bathroom. He's ready to go, and here's what's happening in your head.
01:24
You're trying to decide whether it's really a problem that needs to be addressed. You don't wanna be picky. You don't wanna be difficult. This is really a first world problem, right?
01:34
There's other people worrying about much bigger things than straight grout lines. He worked hard, he's nice, and maybe you can just call someone else to fix it later.
01:46
It's probably not worth bringing it up with him. He's ready to go, and bringing it up now is going to feel like a whole thing.
01:54
Now, maybe you're not struggling with a grout line, but maybe it's your nails that aren't done in a way that you really like, or a meal that isn't cooked the way you really want, or some other service provider who provides a service but then it's not what you wanted.
02:09
You pay for it, and then what happens after? You either don't use that bathroom anymore or you have to pay to have the whole thing redone.
02:19
You go get your nails or your facial or your hair done somewhere else and hope they don't notice, but then subconsciously worry that they will.
02:27
Many of us learned that being agreeable is safer than asking for what we really want, and you learned it so well that you know how to smooth moments over and make everybody comfortable.
02:39
But again, just think about where this pattern is showing up in the rest of your life. How many times have you accepted something that wasn't what you agreed to or wasn't what you wanted?
02:52
How many times have you said, "No, no, no, it's fine," and then just lived with it along with the resentment that you are now carrying because you won't speak up for yourself?
03:02
Silence will buy you a friendly goodbye. There's no tension in the nail salon or in the restaurant, but here's what it is costing you.
03:15
You paid full price for work, if it's your grout in your bathroom that you're gonna be looking at for the next 10 years or your nails for the next seven days.
03:25
And one more time you have taught yourself that their feelings matter more than you having a product that you are happy with.
03:36
Your standards become negotiable when someone else might get uncomfortable. This is why you need to come to my free workshop.
03:43
It is live, it's 60 minutes, and the whole reason I'm doing it is because I want you to understand why you get stuck here in conversations like this.
03:53
I wanna let you know what you should be practicing, and I wanna fill you in on the missing piece that will make all of these conversations easier. Now, back to our situation.
04:04
The fear is that you will be seen as difficult.
04:08
You would rather pay for bad work than be seen as a woman who complains or who is demanding because somewhere along the line you learned that being easy to deal with was just what people expected of you.
04:24
You were praised for not having needs, being so easygoing. Here's what you say instead: "This isn't what I thought it was gonna look like.
04:35
Can I have you take a look at this right here?" And then you point it out.
04:40
You show him the line or you show the nail that doesn't work or the part of the meal that doesn't look like what you wanted, and say nothing else. Stop talking. Let them ask questions.
04:52
Let them explain something. And if they try and brush you off, say it again, "I understand. I still would like it to be fixed," or, "I still need something else.
05:05
What are my options here?" If they push back more than that, then you definitely know this is not somebody that you want to be doing business with, but you just keep saying, "I hear what you're saying.
05:18
I still want it to be fixed." So no one else is gonna stand up for the job that you want, and you're the one who earned the money and has to live with it. Come to my free workshop.
05:31
Let's make these conversations easier for you in the future, 'cause we all know this is not the last time this is gonna happen. I'll see you then.
