What Do You Say When... You're Done Being the Family Peacemaker?
What do you say when you’re done being the family peacemaker? This pattern has probably been going on for years. You may tell yourself that someone has to do it or that it’s just easier when you handle things. You’re worried your family will fall apart if you don’t mediate conversations between your siblings or your parents, but constantly managing everyone else’s emotions is costing you time and energy. This is the fourth episode of a series called “What Do You Say When…” Over the next week, these short episodes will each give you one concrete thing you can say when you’re stuck in a difficult moment.
If you want more, join Sara live for one hour this week for a free workshop, SPEAK UP. There’s no replay, so bring the conversation you keep avoiding. You’ll learn the Three Speak Up Skills and figure out what’s keeping you stuck.
Register for SPEAK UP: sarafisk.coach/voice
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Transcript
00:59
What do you say when you are done being the family peacemaker? This one's for my oldest girls out there. You know how it happens.
01:07
That group text goes off at 7:04 in the morning, and before you've even had your coffee, your sister has said something about Thanksgiving, and then your brother replies with one kind of snarky sentence and a period, and nobody is typing.
01:24
Everybody is silent. You're standing at the counter, and you read through it a couple times, and you already know how the next couple days are gonna go.
01:32
Your sister's gonna call you, and your brother's gonna text you separately.
01:37
You'll end up on the phone with each of them saying some version of, "I think what they meant was..." And here's what's happening in your head.
01:47
You tell yourself with a big sigh that somebody has to do this. You're annoyed, of course, but if you don't do this, then nobody will, and then what?
01:58
You tell yourself it's just easier when you handle it. You know both of them. You know how to say it so that each of them will soften and that this can get fixed.
02:08
You begin to worry if you don't say something, they might stop speaking to each other, and some part of you believes that that might even be true.
02:16
So you pick up the phone and just decide to get it out of the way. You call your sister first because she's the one who's typically more upset.
02:23
She vents for 40 minutes, then you call him and translate what she said into something softer that he can hear without getting defensive. You make sure that they're both fine.
02:34
By Sunday, it's smoothed over. Nobody thanks you because nobody actually knows what happened, and that's the job that you have done for many years under the radar.
02:48
You learned when you were young that someone needs to be watching the moods of the people in the room, and you got really good at knowing what upset everybody and how to smooth it over.
03:01
Thanksgiving is just one example, but this is a pattern that has been showing up in your life for a long time. How many holidays have you managed? How many family reunions? How many family trips?
03:14
How many phone calls? How many funerals? How many times have you found out something before everyone else because you were the one that everybody tells? Here's what the peacekeeping is buying you.
03:28
The family stays in one piece, and your place in it is secure. Everybody needs a peacekeeper, and nobody has to find out what happens if you decide to stop. But here's what it is costing you.
03:45
You have never had a relationship with any of them that wasn't about managing someone else. Some of them don't even know you and your frustrations and the burdens you carry, but you know theirs.
03:59
And you are always on edge at family reunions because you know that if something happens, it's going to be yours to manage.
04:09
You might even truly believe that the family is only intact because you're the one holding it all together.
04:16
That's the real thing that's underneath all of this, and it's why stepping back feels like something you cannot do, maybe even a betrayal. Yes, you resent having to do the extra work.
04:31
You're afraid of what will happen if you stop. So here's what you say instead to whichever one calls you first. "You know what?
04:39
I know that you're used to me talking things out like this with you, but I'm not gonna be in the middle of this one. You two can work it out." That's it. No explanation, no announcement.
04:52
She might push. She might say something like, "I'm not asking you to be in the middle.
04:55
I just wanna tell you what he said." And that's just the same thing wearing different clothes, and so you say it again.
05:03
"I hear you, and for a long time I've managed things like this, but I am not gonna get in the middle of this.
05:11
Love you." You might have to repeat yourself a couple times before anyone believes you because you've been doing this job for a long time. But just let it be uncomfortable.
05:22
Thanksgiving might be tense. There might be more arguments and disagreements, but that's information about the family that was always true.
05:31
You have just stopped stepping in to prevent it from happening or smoothing it over. If this is a situation that you find yourself in, come to my free workshop this week. It's live.
05:44
There's no replay, but you will wanna be there because I'm gonna help you understand two really important things.
05:50
Number one, why you get stuck when it's time to speak up, and the one missing piece that you can learn and practice to make these conversations and all of your hard conversations a lot easier. I'll see you then.
