What Do You Say When... You're the One Who Always Reaches Out?
What do you do when you’re the one who always reaches out? If you’re the one who always sends the text, makes the plans, and keeps the friendship moving, you may eventually start to feel tired or resentful, wondering why the effort isn’t more balanced. You can tell yourself it’s okay because she’s busy or you’re just better at planning, but the issue goes deeper than fairness. You’re ultimately wondering whether the friendship means as much to her as it does to you, and that uncertainty and loneliness you feel come at a cost. This is the third episode of a series called “What Do You Say When…” Over the next week, these short episodes will each give you one concrete thing you can say when you’re stuck in a difficult moment.
If you want more, join Sara live for one hour this week for a free workshop, SPEAK UP. There’s no replay, so bring the conversation you keep avoiding. You’ll learn the Three Speak Up Skills and figure out what’s keeping you stuck.
Register for SPEAK UP: sarafisk.coach/voice
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Transcript
00:59
What do you do when you're the one who always reaches out?
01:04
You're typing it again, "Hey, are you free on the 14th?" This is the third date you floated because she canceled the first one, and you sent a text about date number two, and then she never responded.
01:17
You notice the pit in your stomach. You don't like being the one to always reach out, but what if you don't?
01:23
So you hit send, and then you watch the three little dots appear and disappear, and appear and disappear. Your stomach sinks, and here's what happens in your head.
01:35
You start telling yourself she's busy, her job is a lot right now, and her mom is sick, and you know that. She's got a lot on her plate. And then you remind yourself, you know what?
01:45
You're just better at this. You're the one who plans. You're the one who knows the good restaurants. You make the reservations. Some people are just better planners, and that's okay if she isn't.
01:58
But is it? You also tell yourself, and this is the part that hurts, that if you stopped reaching out, you don't know if she'd reach back out to you. So you send it. She responds. You book the table.
02:11
You have a nice dinner, and she's warm and funny, and you laugh together, and then you hug in the parking lot, and she says, "Thank you so much.
02:18
This was so fun." And you drive home feeling something that you can't quite name. It's...
02:23
You don't feel bad exactly, just like she had a different evening than you had because you feel a little alone even though you just spent time together.
02:35
Being the one who holds things together is how you've always done it, and secretly, it's how you've earned your friendship. You don't wait to be chosen.
02:44
You make sure that you're the one moving things forward. You make yourself necessary.
02:50
Now, I know that this is just one friendship, but I want you to ask yourself, think about your relationships in general. How many of them run on your effort? How many group texts do you start?
03:04
How many birthdays do you not just remember, but plan for all your friends or all your family? Your silence here is buying you something. It's buying you a place in a friendship that stays intact.
03:19
You never have to wonder if they would reach out to you because you always reach out. You get to keep believing that it's just the circumstances that keep people from reaching out to you.
03:33
But here's what it is costing. You have a friendship that you are maintaining instead of one that is reciprocal.
03:42
You are lonely even when you're with the people that you want to be with because you wonder if the connection is as strong both ways as it is from you to them.
03:55
And there's that little voice of resentment that is starting to show up in small ways, especially when they cancel plans that you have gone to a lot of trouble to make.
04:08
I wanna invite you to the free live workshop that I'm doing this week. There's no replay, but here's why I want you to come.
04:16
I want you to figure out why this is happening for you, and I wanna show you the one missing piece that would make this conversation easier. Now, back to the text you just sent.
04:27
You've been treating this like a fairness problem, like the issue is who does more work, and that's not really the issue. You want to know that she wants you.
04:40
You want to know that she wants to be in a friendship with you just as much as you want to be in the friendship with her.
04:46
That's the real thing that's underneath all of this, and that's why it's really hard to just stop texting because then you would know. So here's what you say instead, not in a text, in person.
05:02
"Hey, I notice that I'm the one who does most of the planning, and I've done it for a long time, and I've been happy to do it.
05:10
Spending time with you means a lot to me, and I want to know, does it mean as much to you to spend time with me?" And then stop talking. Let it be quiet. Whatever she has to say, just hear her out.
05:26
And then if there's a follow-up, it could sound something like, "You matter to me, and I want our friendship to keep going. I also want the effort to be put in by both of us.
05:38
Is that something you're interested in as well?" Asking gives you an answer.
05:42
You know where you stand, and then you can make decisions about what you wanna do with your time based on what she actually feels and what she actually means instead of what you're guessing.
05:54
Come to the workshop.
05:55
It will help you figure out why this is so hard and why you get stuck here and tell you the missing piece that will make this and all of the conversations in your life a lot easier. I'll see you there.
