Episode 124 - How Did I Get Stuck and How Do I Get Unstuck?
I hear people use the word “stuck” all the time to describe problems or situations, but what does it really mean? You might feel stuck in a relationship you want to change but don’t know how, or caught in a pattern you keep repeating even when it no longer feels good. I’ve been reflecting on what it really means to be stuck—not just to understand it better, but to find language and tools that actually help. In this episode, I’m sharing what I’ve discovered to offer you deeper context around the feeling of being stuck and what you can do about it. Here’s what I cover:
Why feeling stuck in people-pleasing isn’t your fault
How feeling stuck in one area can have a big impact on your life overall
The insight from Esther Perel that shaped my thinking on this topic
Why stuck systems have all stability and no change and what we need instead
The key to change: teaching your parts that it’s safe to feel a little unsafe
How to begin experimenting with authenticity in small, safe ways
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Transcript
00:59
One of the words that I hear a lot from clients is the word stuck. It's how they describe the problem that they want to solve or the thing that they think is wrong.
01:08
They feel stuck in relationships that they want to change, but they don't know how they feel stuck in patterns where they're just repeating the same behavior over and over and over again. They say things like, you know, I don't know how to change this.
01:24
I don't know how to get a certain outcome. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to make the changes that I want to make. And they can feel stuck just in one relationship or in one particular situation, or it can feel like it's happening everywhere.
01:39
Like it's kind of more global in their lives. And when I hear something a lot, it gets my attention. And so I've been studying stuck in an effort not only to better understand it, but to develop some tools or a way of talking about it that is helpful.
01:57
And so I'm going to float some of these things that I've been thinking about by you today. I would love to hear your feedback. I would love to hear how you experience this feeling of stuckness. And if any of these ideas resonate for you, I would love to hear.
02:12
So what has shaped my thinking about this really more than anything else is something that I read from Esther Perel that really kind of opened this up for me. And it really wasn't what I was thinking.
02:27
Esther Perel says that when stability becomes too rigid, that is the feeling of being stuck. Isn't that cool? It just, it really kind of reframes it for me because stability is something that every single human wants.
02:47
We want predictability, we want stability, we want to know what's going to happen. And people pleasing is a form of stability. It is a way that we make other people seem to be happy with us. It's the way that a lot of us erase conflict or drama that can feel very chaotic, very unpredictable.
03:10
It's the way that we know that we can calm people down or we can give them what they want so that they have a predictable opinion of us. Sara's good, Sara's helpful, Sara is giving, Sara is kind and it's a way that we create a very clear role for ourselves in situations, in other people's lives.
03:36
We know exactly what's expected of us and we deliver the thing that is expected and we get the outcome that feels very predictable to us. It's a really brilliant adaptation for creating stability. If you think for just a minute through a relationship or a situation where you feel stuck, I want you to look at how you have used people pleasing to create stability in that relationship where you are the one who feels the internal conflict,
04:14
the internal drama, the internal uncomfortable emotions and you feel them because you are sparing other people from feeling them by pleasing them. It's really fascinating and for just a second, I want you to appreciate your ability to create stability and predictability, which is what humans need by people pleasing.
04:39
Appreciating it isn't the same as saying you want to stay in this behavior pattern, right? We can appreciate the fact that as young children, we learned how to do this and we can also appreciate what a benefit it was to us, how it kept us safe, how it provided this stability and
04:59
predictability that we want as humans, and we can also want to change it. So for just a moment, marvel with me at the amazing ability that humans have to find and create predictability and stability, especially by people pleasing.
05:16
The problem is that as we grow up, this stability becomes rigid. It's actually rigid control. We're trying to control other people's emotions and reactions by managing our behavior, right? We're trying to keep them on an even footing, not upsetting them by taking all of kind of the chaos and drama into our own bodies.
05:44
We are inadvertently preventing real intimacy by not showing our true selves, and that's the real cost of this rigid control is that when we are so focused on stability, we don't have the opportunity to show who we really are.
06:05
We don't create authentic interactions because all of our energy is focused on the stability and not on providing some of the elasticity or some of the opportunity to change, to redefine roles, to act differently, to say no when we've previously said yes.
06:28
And that stability is what ends up feeling like the box we live in. We become stuck in these boxes of patterns, these boxes of habits that used to feel safe, but now just feels suffocating. So breaking this pattern can actually feel dangerous.
06:52
I have so many women who are afraid that when they stop people pleasing, there's real danger that will happen. And I'm not talking about the actual danger of violence or abuse. That is very real, but that's not what I'm talking about here.
07:09
If you are in relationships where the cost for not people pleasing is violence or abuse, you need to people please until you can get out of that situation and out of that relationship. But for people who will not suffer violence or abuse when they stop people pleasing, it can still feel really, really dangerous because when we were young, we learned that our pleasing is what actually got us rewarded with connection, with safety, with belonging, with affection. And so the parts of us that are really oriented around keeping us safe are all very, very worried when we talk about beginning to break those patterns.
07:57
To a nervous system, chaos is almost the same as change. Change means disruption. And so we start to have worries or our parts start to worry. If I stop people pleasing, everyone's gonna leave me. I'm gonna be alone.
08:13
If I set boundaries, I'm gonna disappoint people and they'll hate me. If I say no, I'm going to be selfish and alone. Or if I show my real feelings, if I share my real opinions, I'm gonna ruin relationships.
08:28
And these are the voices of our parts that are protecting that rigid stability that we've created because it's all they've ever known. They don't have a plan B for creating stability. And so what we need to be able to do is to, as the adults we are now who have different resources, different access to it.
08:54
to build skills and learn how to do things differently in a way that creates safety, we need to help our parts create that safety. And we're gonna get into that in a minute. But I want also for just a minute for you to appreciate your parts, the parts of you that have created stability by people pleasing, security and predictability.
09:17
Even though this pattern as an adult is highly uncomfortable and for a lot of women, it feels like it's killing us. Our parts believe that that is the price we have to pay for safety. It's really important to have some tenderness and some understanding for these parts.
09:39
So often women come in with judgment. What the fuck is the matter with me? I'm a 51 year old woman and I can't even voice my opinion. And so the judgment is just another layer keeping that rigid stability in place.
09:55
Because when you are judging something, you can't have the openness to create a different pattern. Judgment literally locks a behavior in place and makes it so much harder to look at different options, to get creative about what else we might do instead.
10:16
And it just becomes this huge suck of our emotional and creative energy when we get stuck judging something. So appreciating isn't again, the same as wanting to stay in the pattern, but we can appreciate the parts that learned to create stability through people pleasing.
10:37
And we can also show up for those parts as the wise, loving adult that they need to teach them something new, because that's what they need from us. Esther Perel goes on. And she teaches that systems need both stability and change to thrive.
11:02
And in a system that is stuck, you have all stability and no change, right? All predictability and none of that, like squishy, creative, elastic feeling in your life where the possibility to do something different is actually a reality.
11:21
And so if you think about those two things that we need to thrive, stability and change, the key is to teach our parts that it's safe to feel a little unsafe as we explore different ways of being in the world.
11:39
We can reassure our protective parts. I know this feels scary, but we're going to do this experiment together. We're not totally abandoning safety. We're expanding what safety might look like. So that is the attitude that we want to have toward our parts that have relied on people pleasing to create stability.
12:03
Because the truth is it does feel uncomfortable to not people please. The very first time you say something like, you know what, that doesn't work for me, but what I can do, and you don't give in right away to what someone else wants from you, but you suggest something else, your heart's going to be pounding.
12:23
There is going to be some anxiety in your system because we are changing the rigidity. We're changing the thing that got us the predictable outcome of people liking us because we always say yes. So after we have some compassion and some appreciation for what our parts have helped us to create, we then help the part understand, you know what, I'm going to be with you.
12:53
And it's actually safe to feel unsafe together. I'm going to be with you the whole time. If you're scared, I'm just going to feel it with you. If you're anxious, I'm going to feel it with you. If it's frustrating because it didn't work out the way we wanted, I'm just going to feel it with you.
13:10
That is the loving lens that we can look at our parts through because we need them to trust us to be able to move forward in a different way. So I want you to just spend a little bit of time over the next couple of weeks recognizing where you feel stuck.
13:33
And just reminding yourself all that's happened is the stability that I created has just gone rigid here. That's all that happened. I'm not bad. I can figure out how to get out of this. I'm going to be able to figure this out.
13:46
All that's happened is all of that predictability and security that I needed so much when I was young. And I depended on other people to help keep me safe, it's gone rigid. That's it. And together, we're going to be able to create something new.
14:02
So notice where you have some of those rigid patterns. For a lot of us, it's where we automatically say yes without thinking, or we automatically shove down our opinion, or we let our needs go unspoken.
14:17
It's where we pretend that we're fine when we're not. It's where we armor up for safety instead of letting our more tender and vulnerable parts be seen by people who are safe to show them to. And so just noticing, where do I feel stuck?
14:32
And then starting with a small change. And letting your parts know, OK, here's what we're going to do. Instead of saying yes automatically, we're going to start to say, you know what? I need to think about it, and I'll get back to you.
14:46
That small change. might feel very safe for some people, might feel very dangerous for others. The point is to start with a change that feels doable and a little stretchy, because what we want our parts to understand is that it's safe to feel unsafe with ourselves.
15:08
Something you might do is expressing a preference. That might be a micro change that you can make, or giving yourself a moment of real peace and rest and letting your system really take it in. Because practicing in micro ways to feel unsafe can increase your capacity for larger moments when you want to take on a bigger challenge in a higher stakes situation.
15:40
Just remember, your parts are going to feel uncomfortable with these changes, because again, that predictability that has always been so part of the way we've lived isn't there anymore. That's normal.
15:54
Just acknowledge again to these parts, I know this feels risky. We're building a new kind of safety. One of the things that happens sometimes is that other people will push back. People might be confused when you change.
16:11
They might express disappointment, they might want you to feel guilty, and this is normal because you're changing again the rules of stability that govern relationships. But their discomfort doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
16:28
You're going to create small experiments in being your more authentic self, whatever that looks like. There is a different side of you that wants to be shown, and you're going to show that in safe relationships first, in small ways, showing your parts it's safe.
16:49
It's safe to do this. It's safe to show more of ourselves. One of the ways that I did this work personally was in my friendships. I had parts that believe that the only reason people wanted to be friends with me was because I was cheerful, I was helpful, I was always willing to give and serve and love and show up and plan things and be the life of the party and that any part of me that didn't fit that kind of menu of feelings and actions was not welcome by friends.
17:26
That they didn't really like me for me, but they liked me for this cheerful, giving person that I was. And so I hid a lot of parts of me. I hid the parts of me that were tired. I hid the parts of me that wanted to be fully seen and heard because I didn't believe that my friends really wanted to see and hear all of me.
17:56
And it felt very, very unsafe to have any kind of emotion around them, any kind of frustration that wasn't positive and cheerful and giving and loving. And so when I had a friendship where it felt safe to do that, I began to admit small things, small frustrations, small things about myself that I wasn't sure the other person was going to like or approve of.
18:29
And as I did it, I was incredibly nervous. And I had parts that I had to take good care of by saying, it's okay, I'm with you. If this feels embarrassing, we're just going to feel embarrassed. If this feels overly vulnerable, we're just going to feel that together.
18:47
Because what I wanted more was to feel like I had friendships and relationships where I could really be seen. And I had a bunch of parts telling me that that was super dangerous and we shouldn't do it.
19:02
So if you feel that tension, so did I. And it's very, very, very, very real. The terror of being fully seen and heard in my friendships was real. And also the desire to be fully seen and heard in my relationships was also very, very real.
19:21
And so as I experimented with, it's safe to feel a little bit unsafe. And I want to credit Carl Lowenthal for putting that sentence into words for me. And that sentence has meant a lot to me because it's opened up places in my life where it is safe to feel a little more unsafe.
19:40
And as we're deconstructing stuckness, there is going to be a feeling of unsafe and that's okay because you can feel it with your parts. There were moments when I was showing myself in my friendships that it did feel unsafe, but I was rewarded with two things.
20:02
Number one, the sense that I could create safety for myself. When I was able to show up for me and just feel whatever I needed to feel, it felt so good. It felt like the type of comfort and witnessing and hearing that I needed, that I didn't get, and it was something that I could provide for myself.
20:28
There were some friendships where I didn't get the reaction that I wanted and I was able to just feel the disappointment or feel the sadness of that. And the second thing that it got me or that it created was that I have relationships where as I showed up vulnerably, as I showed up letting more of myself be seen, it deepened the relationship vulnerability and intimacy.
20:54
And I discovered that I have relationships that can handle my full range of emotions. I have people who will love every part of me. I can not only take care of my parts, but other people will help me take care of them as well.
21:12
Being stuck in people pleasing, it's not our fault. It's literally not your fault. It's the stability that we created the only way we knew how. And now we get to choose a different kind of stability that we create as adults for ourselves and that we can enjoy more of in our relationships.
21:35
And this is the balance that we're looking for, right? It's a balance of some stability and some flexibility. Most of the time what we are afraid of is going too far into flexibility. So that feels like chaos, right?
21:51
So that nothing is predictable, nothing feels stable. And that's kind of the worst case scenario that our parts are going to be afraid of. But remember those parts are young and the context that they were created in doesn't exist anymore.
22:06
They now have us adults who can be generous in our tenderness with them, who can learn new skills, who can learn new ways of being in the world, and who can take care of our parts. And so we can actually have both.
22:26
We can have stability and flexibility. We can have freedom to grow and change without losing the connection, the predictable, loving belonging that we also need. We can make decisions based on flexibility and not just needing stability.
22:48
And that is what life can look like when we are not stuck. It's what I want for all of us. We deserve relationships and a life that can handle the real us, right? Last couple of episodes have been about lying.
23:06
When we stop lying, it can feel dangerous, right? When we start telling the truth. But my hope is that this episode will give you a little bit more context for why the stuck is there and what to do about it.
23:22
If you have any questions or comments, I would love to hear about it. You deserve to be seen and heard in your relationships. And I love that we're doing this work together. I'll talk to you again next week.
