Episode 128 - How to Get Out of the Self-Doubt Spiral
Have you ever caught yourself in a self-doubt spiral, wondering if you’re overreacting, if you’re missing something, or if everyone else just knows better than you? The experience of self-doubt is so familiar for women, especially because of the patriarchal system we live in. But you deserve to feel confident in your emotions and your assessments. In this episode, I dive into why it feels so automatic to doubt ourselves and how you can begin to change that inner monologue. Here’s what I cover:
What internal self-doubt actually sounds like
Examples of behaviors that stem from self-doubt
How Dr. Becky Kennedy explains the development of self-doubt in children
How patriarchy gives boys and girls very different messages about the validity of their self-doubt
The two voices inside us as women—the voice of care and the voice of self–and how to balance them
An exercise to help you work with both voices so you can feel more confident
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Transcript
00:58
I have a client who is in a leadership position in her company, and she described this scenario. She was in a meeting, and one of her colleagues brought up a proposal.
01:11
And the minute he put it into words, it just didn't feel right to her. But instead of speaking up, she started to question herself. She noticed that internally, she started asking questions like, am I having, am I overreacting?
01:27
Am I making a big deal out of this? Maybe there's something I'm not seeing here. Maybe there's something that I don't know. I'm just going to wait and ask some questions and check with some other people before I voice my opinion.
01:40
Now, the celebration was in our session that she caught it and we were then able, you know, to work through it. But what I ended up sharing with her has stuck with me. And I decided I wanted to do a podcast episode about this because this behavior, this self-doubt, this kind of self-doubt spiral is so familiar to the people that I work with and women who are raised in a patriarchal system.
02:06
And I want to dive into why it feels so automatic for us and how we can begin to work with that inner monologue to change it because we deserve to feel confident in our feelings and in our emotions and in our assessments.
02:24
So let's talk first about what internal self-doubt actually sounds like. So if you notice yourself thinking, does this make sense what I'm saying? As you're talking and you're trying to put your words into sentences, you begin to automatically kind of, oh, I don't know, this makes sense.
02:46
I'm not saying it right. You begin to automatically discount what you're saying. Or it sounds like you're hearing someone's frame of mind or you have an opinion and you start to ask yourself, do I need to see it from another perspective?
03:00
Is my perspective not good enough or strong enough or well-reasoned enough? Or someone has done something that has hurt your feelings and you begin to doubt, should I be this upset? Did they really do that?
03:15
Is this really a big deal? Maybe you think, am I crazy for thinking this? Is this just like, am I missing something? Am I the person who doesn't know any better or who is foolish here? Maybe I don't get what's going on here.
03:30
I used to think that a lot. I used to have this joke that I would say all the time, like, I'm late to the party. But what it really was is my own inner self-doubt of like, I'm late here or I don't get what's going on here.
03:44
There's things I miss or there's things that I don't understand. And so that creates this kind of inner environment of constant self-doubt. That's kind of what some of the internal sentences are in your head.
03:57
And the behaviors look like needing validation constantly, checking and rechecking with other people. Am I thinking right here? Is my reasoning sound? Do you think this is a good idea? It also looks like asking other people to make decisions for you.
04:15
You know what? I don't care. It's fine with me either way. You decide. Or I don't know enough about this. So why don't you just, you know, make the decision for us? It also looks like making excuses for other people's behavior.
04:30
Well, maybe they were upset. Maybe they hadn't had lunch. Maybe they were, you know, feeling stressed under pressure, whatever. But someone mistreats you. And instead of just sticking with your emotional reaction of being hurt or upset, you begin to excuse their behavior almost automatically.
04:50
It also looks like letting other people explain your experience back to you. In some circles, we call this man's plaining, but it comes up in a lot of different ways for women when we have a tentative explanation and somebody says, well, actually what happened to you is, or actually what you're thinking is, or actually what you're trying to say is.
05:14
It also looks like being easily swayed by other people's opinions. You have an opinion, and although it might not be, you know, bulletproof, you're very easily taken away from what you think and convinced of what other people feel.
05:29
Now, caveat, I am not talking about women who are aware of the fact that they don't know everything and want to gather additional resources or information before important decisions are made. That's not what I'm talking about.
05:44
There is a difference between knowing, okay, I do know this much and I am confident about this and I do know that my opinion is this, but I'd like to get some other information before we proceed. That is not what I'm talking about.
05:59
That is leadership and that is self-awareness and that is an acknowledgement of the limitations of the human mind. And that's a willingness to ask for help and for information that you might not have.
06:13
Not talking about that. I'm talking about kind of the constant self-doubt spiral that so many women are in day after day where they're constantly questioning themselves, not from curiosity, but with the idea that there's something wrong with them, that they're missing something, that other people are smarter than them, that they should already know this and they don't, and so that there is something wrong with them.
06:38
A lot of these behaviors are rooted in childhood and the programming that we received. Because if this is happening to you, if you're in your car or somewhere else and you're nodding along, it has nothing to do with being broken or not, right?
06:53
There's a very good reason, actually several of them, why this happens. One of my favorite people to listen to is Dr. Becky Kennedy. She is a clinical psychologist and a parenting expert. And I will never forget hearing her explanation about the development of self-doubt in children.
07:13
And here's what she said. Self-doubt develops in children when they are left alone with intense emotional distress and they don't have proper support. Children who are left alone with this intense distress, they often rely on one of two different coping mechanisms, self-doubt or self-blame.
07:36
Self-doubt causes a child to believe, I don't perceive things accurately. I overreact. I can't trust how things feel to me. Other people have a better idea of my reality than I do. And according to Kennedy, this happens when children receive messages, and it's often unintentional from parents who love them that their feelings are wrong or overblown.
08:04
So I want to slow down for just a second, and I want you to take a minute and think back through your childhood experiences, how often you might have been told that what you were feeling was wrong or bad or overblown, too much, too dramatic, totally out of proportion.
08:25
For me, it was a lot, right? There were certain emotions that I was allowed to feel, others that I was not allowed to feel, or I was bad or wrong. And so little , when she's in her room and she has been told that, you know, not necessarily by my own parents, other adults do this as well, that whatever I'm feeling is bad or wrong, I don't have the development as a child to question that interpretation.
08:51
And so I adopt the interpretation of my caregivers, the people who I'm dependent on, and I begin to think things like, you know what? Maybe I am bad. Maybe I don't know what's going on here. Maybe I'm not, I didn't obviously think it in these words, but maybe I'm not a reliable narrator of my own experience.
09:12
Maybe other people know more than I do. Other people have a better idea of what's going on than I do. And so I need to trust them rather than trust myself. Think about it this way. You know, let's imagine that a child is overwhelmed about joining a birthday party and a parent who loves them responds with, come on, you know, everybody here.
09:34
There's nothing to be worried about. You're making a big deal out of this. Stop it. You'll be fine. What is the message that the child learns in that moment? I can't trust my feelings because they're ridiculous and they're overblown.
09:48
And my parents know better than I do. And they know better how I should feel and what I should do than I do. And so without an adult advocating for a child's emotional experiences by saying, yeah, there's a lot of people here.
10:05
I imagine that I would be feeling overwhelmed too. That's a very normal reaction. You should trust that. What do you want to do about it? In the absence of that kind of experience, we don't have a foundation for confidence and self-trust.
10:24
And then that child grows up. And actually, let me just say, it doesn't matter if that child is being raised as a boy or being raised as a girl. That kind of inculcation of self-doubt early in life is universal.
10:38
But then the confidence programming gets very different. Because while children raised as boys and children raises girls may experience the self-doubt programming that Dr. Becky Kennedy describes, patriarchy gives boys and girls very different messages about the value and the validity of that doubt.
11:01
Because boys are taught, and again, broad strokes, to override self-doubt. And they're given permission to do it in a couple different ways. Number one, boys are given permission to be wrong publicly.
11:17
They learn early that being wrong is part of learning and risk-taking is encouraged, you know, take a swing, try things out. This idea of failing forward is very much given primarily to boys and mistakes become data points rather than character flaws.
11:36
Their assertiveness is rewarded. Speaking up, taking charge, having opinion, even uninformed ones, gets positive reinforcement. Boys learn that confidence itself is valued sometimes over competence. And so the idea of speaking up, taking charge is a value that is passed on to boys as something to be rewarded.
12:02
Boys often have social permission to take up more space. Interrupting, dominating playground games, boys are rarely told to shrink, to be quieter, or to consider others' comfort before considering themselves.
12:21
It's also true, and this is a really sad part of patriarchal programming, emotional suppression is taught as strength. And this creates a whole slew of its own problems, many of which we are dealing with today.
12:37
Boys are rewarded for pushing through emotional discomfort and self-doubt rather than processing it, understanding it, slowing down to understand what's happening. So they push down their negative emotions, they push through emotional discomfort, uncertainty, and that looks like confidence, but it's actually creating emotional numbing inside.
13:03
Meanwhile, girls get the opposite programming, right? We're taught that self-doubt is wisdom. I remember being told, , think before you speak, like slow down. Don't just let everything out. Taking up space is selfish, that being wrong publicly is actually shameful.
13:25
We are also given the programming that our value lies in our relationships, being a good daughter, good mother, good wife, good sister, good friend. The list, you know, goes on, which means that we are taught that the relevance of relationships in our lives or the importance of relationships should be top shelf, right?
13:46
Number one on the list of things to worry about that matter and that our own opinions or our own feelings are secondary to being thought of as a good participant in relationships. What that means is that we get very good at worrying about those relationships, reading the room, who's upset, who needs something, who can we help, who can we give to.
14:11
So that valuing of relationships shows up in a lot of that outward behavior. And the result is that boys develop what appears to be confidence, but sometimes is learned bravado, a willingness to act despite being uncertain, because they'll be rewarded for that.
14:32
And girls develop this inner monologue of self-doubt. Now, we're going to talk about how it's actually emotional intelligence. But if you don't know that, it sounds like just this constant self-doubt on repeat in your brain.
14:50
And what boys get labeled as leadership, the girls' approach gets labeled insecurity and it reinforces that cycle. So that is the foundation that is laid in childhood. And then I want to tell you the story about two psychology researchers.
15:10
So this guy named Lawrence Kohlberg writes this book called The Philosophy of Moral Development. And he's trying to figure out how morals develop, right? And he puts justice reasoning at the top of his moral hierarchy.
15:29
Like that's the most important thing you can do is make decisions, moral decisions based on justice. He decides that the highest form of moral thinking is when you make decisions based on pretty abstract principles like universal justice and fairness.
15:48
Okay. So then he creates this test called the Moral Judgment Interview, where he tells people stories about moral dilemmas. And the most famous was called the Heinz dilemma. So this is the Heinz dilemma.
16:02
A guy named Heinz has a dying wife, and there's this one drug that could save her. But the greedy pharmacist who invented it is charging $2,000 for something that only cost him $200 to make. I mean, maybe he was predicting the future because it feels like that's what we live now, but I digress.
16:20
Heinz can't afford it. So the question is, should he steal the drug to save his wife's life? And here's where it gets super interesting, because Kohlberg gives this test to a bunch of dudes, straight, white, upper-class males, and their answers focus mostly on law and order and social contracts, which, according to Kohlberg, is quote unquote higher moral development.
16:48
The few women who take the test consistently score lower than men. Do they score lower because the test is biased? Do they score lower because maybe women think about morality differently? Does Kohlberg stop to ask any of these very obvious questions?
17:06
No. Instead, he just decides that this clearly means that women are just less morally developed than men. Problem solved, right? Research concluded. Case closed. Women are basically moral toddlers who can't handle the big boy thinking required for real morality.
17:26
But then we get Carol Gilligan, who was actually working as one of Kohlberg's research assistants. And she was involved in everything. And she takes a look at it. She's like, what? Dude, there's got to be more going on here than meets the eye.
17:43
And so she does her own research and she discovers that women aren't morally deficient at all. They just approach moral problems differently. Duh. Instead of focusing only on things like abstract justice and rules and universal fairness, women tend to think about, I know you're going to say it with me, relationships, care, and responsibility to others.
18:14
So she writes her book in a different voice. That's what it was called, in a different voice. And she basically says, hey, maybe women's thinking isn't wrong. Maybe it's just different. And maybe that's actually valuable too.
18:28
Like, it's a wild concept, right? Sorry, I'll dial down the sarcasm. So Gilligan's counter argument was that the way women are taught to focus on relationships makes their thinking and their orientation about problem solving different.
18:49
We think about attending to needs, balancing responsibilities. We think relationally because we were programmed to think that way. So I hope it's coming together for you now because when I did the research, because I really wanted to understand how we got here, it makes so much sense that we were just taught to value different things.
19:14
And I'm going to talk about how it plays into self-doubt specifically in just a second. But I want to just tell you about the four patterns that she identified. Number one, this invisible standard that women's thinking was labeled as less than, right, morally less developed, it contributed to chronic self-doubt.
19:38
She identified two different voices, the voice of care, which is our responsibility to others, versus the voice of self, which is the responsibility to yourself. And she identified the tension between those two voices.
19:56
Number three, she talked about the silencing of our authentic voice. Starting in early adolescence, women learn to silence their honest opinions, their honest perceptions, their honest questions to preserve relationships.
20:18
So we silenced ourselves because we knew that speaking up would create a problem in relationships that we had been taught to value, that we had been taught were the most important thing about our value, the quality of our relationships.
20:34
And she identified that moral worth was tied to relationships. If you're a woman raised in patriarchy, being good meant others approve of you. And that every time you do anything to damage other people's approval of you, that became the grounds for self-doubt.
21:01
So I hope you are feeling like I was feeling when I read this and put it all together, just this huge aha moment. I knew that self-doubt wasn't a personal feeling, but I don't think I fully appreciated how it's so fucking predictable.
21:21
It's a predictable outcome of living and growing up in a system where our way of thinking was programmed to be relationship centered and treated as less than, treated as second class. So for so many of the women that I work with, this constant self-doubt is one of the heaviest things they carry.
21:49
It is where they just hemorrhage energy and time and hours. They lay awake at night playing and replaying. Was I wrong about that? Should I have said it differently? Did I offend them? Was I not well informed?
22:06
Are they mad at me? In everywhere from the boardroom to the kitchen, and so many women today occupy both of those places, it's rampant across the different situations that they find themselves in, from their professional work to their work in the home, to their friendships, to their most cherished relationships, because we're constantly trying to have good relationships because that's what we're oriented toward.
22:38
So what are we going to do about it? How do we work with this? The answer is to let both of the voices that Carol Gilligan identified, the voice of care, which is responsibility to others, and the voice of self, responsibility to yourself, to let both of the voices have a seat at the table.
23:02
Now, in just a second, I'm going to introduce some questions that you can ask yourself to work through a conversation between those two voices. I just want to make you aware that there will likely be the voice of another part that is going to be very worried and very concerned about what you do or what will happen when you start to listen more to the voice of self.
23:29
And that's going to be very normal. That voice needs you to just reassure it that it's okay, that you're going to be with that voice as you do this work. So just remember, both voices, the voice of care and the voice of self, are necessary.
23:45
Both are valuable. The voice of care wants to preserve connection and protect relationships. And the voice of self wants you to honor your needs and your time and your energy and take care of you. So I want you to just think of a recent situation where you noticed this self-doubt spiral.
24:06
You felt torn. Maybe you didn't know whether to say yes or no, to speak up, to stay quiet, to express your opinion, to not. So I want you to first let the voice of care, which is only concerned about your relationships, answer these questions.
24:25
Okay. So keeping that situation in mind, ask yourself, if their needs are the most important, more important than my needs, what would I do here? What would I do? And just let the voice of care answer that.
24:41
What story do I start to tell myself about being a quote unquote good fill in the blank here? A good mom, a good wife, a good sister, a good daughter, a good colleague, a good employee. What is the good wife supposed to do here?
25:01
The good employee, the good mom, the good friend? And what am I afraid will happen to this relationship if I choose me? So just let the voice of care answer that. And notice the answers. Okay. Now we're going to shift to the voice of self.
25:28
And we're going to ask the same questions about the same situation. Question number one, if I only considered my own needs, what would I do here? Let the voice of self answer that question. Question number two, what does my body feel like when I imagine not taking care of myself in this situation?
25:56
Maybe that's saying yes instead of no. And what story do I tell myself about being a good person here? I'll use a recent example that I had. We were invited to a church service in which a family member was going to have an opportunity to address the congregation.
26:22
And if I listened to the voice of care, the voice of care told me, you should go, right? Your family invited you. You never go to church anymore. You should go because that's what a good blank would do, a good aunt, a good family member would do.
26:41
And if I don't go, maybe they're going to think that I don't love them or that what they're doing is not important to them or that I don't have time for them or that I don't care about them. That's the voice that, that's how the voice of care would answer those questions in that situation for me.
26:59
Now, the voice of self would answer differently. The voice of self would say, Leslie, you do not feel comfortable at church. It doesn't feel good. You don't want to be there. It's a waste of time. You going doesn't necessarily equate caring about this family member.
27:19
And you are good regardless of whether or not you go. Your goodness has nothing to do with sitting in a church pew for a certain amount of time. So you can see where the self-doubt comes from, right?
27:33
They're two very different voices advocating for two very different things. So now, step four is to let those two voices dialogue and have a conversation, right? So the voice of care is saying, you should go.
27:51
And the voice of self is saying, but you don't want to. And it doesn't feel good in your body when you think about going. And then maybe the voice of care speaks up again and says, you know, is there anything we could do to just show our support?
28:10
Because we want to be supportive. We want to go on record, so to speak, as, you know, being supportive without having to go, maybe. And then the voice of self might say, you know, you're already tired.
28:25
You don't need to go. And just noticing the back and forth between those two voices without any judgment, noticing what both of those parts value and want you to have. They want connection. They want good relationships.
28:44
And they want self-care. So then the final step, step five, is to ask the question, if I trusted both of these voices as important, is there something that honors them both? It might not be a perfect answer, but is there some kind of balance?
29:07
And if there is, great. Maybe I send a text. Maybe I write a letter or send a card. Maybe I send a gift. Maybe I, you know, go for part of it, but not all of it, right? Is there some kind of step that honors both of those voices?
29:24
And if there isn't, asking yourself in my body for this situation, which feels better? To listen to the voice of care or to listen to the voice of self? And to honor that knowing for you. That is how we get out of self-doubt by recognizing that we have both of these voices, that neither one are the enemy, and that our decisions can actually feel less tortured because we give both of those voices a chance to be heard.
30:04
And then we listen to the wisdom of our bodies to help make a decision. And then we start to learn that we can advocate for ourselves without being selfish, that we can take care of other people without losing ourselves, because that is the balance we are looking for.
30:25
And it is a balance that is constantly shifting. I have yet to find the perfect balance. I don't know anybody who always has the perfect balance. And I think sometimes we notice when we are out of balance, when we have listened too much to the voice of care and spent too much time on our relationships and not enough time on ourselves, or we notice the reverse, that maybe we have been spending too much time taking care of ourselves and we want to put some of that care and energy back into our relationships.
30:58
But the point is that we learn that there is a balance between advocating for ourselves and taking care of ourselves and caring for others without losing ourselves. So I just want you to notice which voice do you usually listen to and which voice usually gets silenced?
31:21
How does each voice feel in your body? And just notice what happens when you let them both speak. The self-doubt spiral isn't evidence that something is wrong with you. It's evidence that you have been asked and raised in a system that doesn't fully value and doesn't fully reveal your programming, right?
31:47
A lot of women will say that they more naturally tend to think in terms of relationships. I'm not going to argue over that. I am going to say that that's how you're programmed for sure. But that also is the programming that gets us into midlife, feeling like we don't know who we are.
32:03
We don't know what we want. We don't know what our authentic life looks like. And we've lost ourselves. So my hope is that as you begin to listen to those voices, you will feel that balance and you'll feel it in your body because your body knows and you can trust it.
32:21
I'll see you next week.
