Episode 129 - How to Break the Habit of Auto Accommodating
When you’re asked to take on extra work, stay late at the office, or do a favor for a friend or family member, do you ever say “yes” automatically, without thinking about what it will actually cost you? This habit is known as auto-accommodating, and it’s so common among people pleasers that I've decided to dedicate an episode to it. In this episode, we explore the programming behind auto-accommodating and how to practice pausing before you respond so your answer is actually aligned with your needs and desires. Here’s what I cover:
How we are programmed to conflate accommodation with reward, safety, and connection
3 questions to help you understand the part of yourself that habitually auto-accommodates
How toxic capitalism reinforces the idea that our worth comes from serving others at our own expense
Why going back and revising an automatic “yes” will help you build your pause muscle
How to avoid self-judgment around your fear of saying “no”
A phrase to use when you want to contribute without auto-accommodating
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Transcript
00:58
I received a message from someone listening to the podcast, and here's what she wrote. Hi, Sara. I love your podcast and listen each week. I've learned so much about how I show up at work as a people pleaser.
01:09
There's one habit I'm working on right now, and I wondered if you had some ideas. Far too often, and by that I mean almost 100% of the time, when I'm asked to take on extra work, fill in for a coworker, stay a little later to finish a project, etc., I say yes without thinking.
01:26
Then later, I find myself feeling oftentimes really resentful or sad that I didn't take myself into consideration. I'm pregnant and I don't want this pattern to continue to the point where I damage my health or the health of my baby in any way.
01:40
My boss just today suggested that if I didn't quote unquote need my whole maternity leave, that I was welcome to come back early as I am such a valuable team member. So I know it's not going to change on its own.
01:53
Any help in breaking this pattern would be helpful. Signed, Chelsea. Chelsea, I decided to just do a podcast episode about it because this habit that you've noticed, sometimes called auto-accommodating, is so prevalent.
02:08
And I just want to say first, good on you for seeing this pattern and knowing that it's not going to change on its own. That's huge progress. So many of the people pleasers that I talk with really just kind of pin their hopes on something outside of them changing.
02:22
And I don't see you doing that. I see you really wanting to take control where you can over this habit you have of auto accommodating. So let's get into it. I first want to name anytime we are trying to change a pattern or something about ourselves that we want to be different, that doesn't happen in a vacuum, right?
02:48
We all exist in an economic system that prioritizes productivity and profit over people's well-being. That is not controversial to say, or at least it shouldn't be. You don't have to look any further than the healthcare system that we have in the United States in general.
03:08
That's what I'm speaking of. Capitalism, this kind of toxic capitalism that really creates workplace cultures that value people continually giving of themselves, saying yes, being available and accommodating others.
03:24
That's what gets rewarded. And it doesn't really matter that it comes at the expense of our boundaries and our health. That is a uniquely American capitalistic problem. And actually, now that I say that, it's probably not just uniquely American, but it's a uniquely toxic capitalism problem.
03:43
And as women, we've been conditions that in that system that values our output, that ties our worth to what we produce and how helpful we are, that makes setting boundaries feel really threatening to our survival.
04:00
And so, Chelsea, when you're at work and it's your financial survival that's on the line, I can really understand why setting boundaries around the way you accommodate can feel tricky and hard. There's another element that I just want to name as well.
04:17
Capitalism, in particular, has relied on women's unpaid and undervalued labor, both at home and at work. We've been socialized to believe that the value we have comes from serving others and comes from keeping systems running smoothly, comes from not upsetting other people, often at our own expense.
04:41
So that also needs to be named. Because the first thing, Chelsea, that I want you to think about and anyone else who just kind of notices this habit of auto-accommodating is why are you doing it? Like, what is it that feels at stake here?
05:00
Does it happen more at work than at home? You wrote about it in a work context. I know it happens for a lot of women in work contexts. What are the situations? Is it when somebody who is in charge of you asks you for something?
05:12
Or is it, does it happen, you know, no matter what? Does it happen only in certain situations where you are being asked for a certain type of labor? Or is it more across the board? And then what is the reward that you get for doing it?
05:31
This is where we kind of have to slow down and get introspective. Because I want you to do two things. I want you to think back over your history. How did you learn that auto accommodation was good? What benefits did it get you?
05:48
And just give yourself and your brain a minute to just kind of think back through. What happened when you didn't auto-accommodate, when you didn't say yes, when you didn't give in, when you didn't acquiesce?
06:00
Were you labeled difficult? Were you labeled dramatic? For some of you listening, that will be true, right? You learned that having needs was not acceptable. You learned that taking up space were going to get you punished.
06:16
Others of us learned that we would get rewarded by being quote unquote easy to work with. And so think back over the type of praise or reward that you were given. You're such a team player. We could always count on you.
06:31
You're so flexible or adaptable. You never complain. You're so low maintenance. You make my job so much easier. You're the glue that holds this team together, right? That's what it would sound like in the workplace.
06:45
But to a child, it might sound like you're so easy. You're such an easy child. I just love getting to be your mom. You're so easy to parent or something like that. Because while it is true that the circumstances might be different for person to person, we all learn that accommodating will get us connection and safety.
07:11
And sometimes there's a very big difference between the two, like actual punishment for not accommodating or acquiescing. That's a very real thing. Being bullied, being hit, being punished, being excluded, being singled out, being called names.
07:29
You're so difficult. You're so dramatic. That might be part of what happened. Or the other side is just being praised. In social context, maybe it sounds like you're such a good friend. You're so selfless.
07:45
You're the nicest person I know. You never cause drama. You're so understanding. You're such a good listener. You always put others first. If that sounds familiar, that's early messaging that really plays into why we develop this habit.
08:05
Because not only do we not want to get in trouble, but we want to be thought of as good. We want to be rewarded. We want to have the connection and the belonging that comes from looking like we put other people first.
08:21
I think in professional situations as well, there are a lot of professional perks that sound like they are rewards, but they're really just ways of getting more labor. It's disguised as like an advancement or like a special situation, like being given more responsibilities without pay because you handle everything so well.
08:48
You are just so good at this, right? That sounds like some kind of praise or it is praise or reward, but it's actually just extracting more free labor. It sounds like a special perk or a special privilege, but it's really just getting you to produce more.
09:06
Being asked to mentor or train others, which is often unpaid emotional labor. A lot of that can sound like this professional advancement, but it's really just disguised to get more from you. Maybe at work, you're the go-to person for special projects, right?
09:25
That if you're not being paid for it, there's a chance that your programming is being taken advantage of. So that just kind of sets up the how did we get here? Looking back over what has happened, how did you learn that auto accommodation was good?
09:43
Because if we can really understand how we got to where we are, then it can inspire some compassion and some understanding rather than the judgment and blame that we typically so often go to. So now we know a little bit about the history about how you were programmed to conflate accommodating with being rewarded, with belonging, with being safe, or having connection.
10:11
So the next thing I want you to do is to just bring to mind a recent scenario in which you auto-accommodate it. Just because I'm going to do this exercise for everyone else listening, I'm going to use the example of being asked to fill in for a coworker who cannot take their shift.
10:31
So I'm going to pretend it happened to me. I'm asked by my supervisor to fill in on Friday. Friday is my day off because Linda has something else and she can't, you know, be here. My supervisor knows that Friday is my day off.
10:45
So she knows that I am technically quote unquote available. She comes to me and she says, Sara, will you take the shift? And I just say, sure, yep, I can do that. So I want you to bring to mind a recent example like that.
10:58
And I want you to imagine that you had said no. So in my mind, I'm going back and I'm just reimagining. Manager says, Sara, can you take Linda's shift? And instead of saying yes, I say, that's not going to work for me.
11:13
I'm not available. I wish I could, but I've got plans. And I want you to just notice what comes up. It's going to be an emotion. It might be guilt. It might be fear. It might be anxiety. It might be worry, right?
11:33
There's a lot of emotions that might make sense here. And in my example, we're going to imagine that it's a part of me that is very anxious. That part is the part we're going to focus on. Because in order to not accommodate automatically, we have to take care of this part.
11:54
Because if you can imagine, whenever there's a scenario in which someone else needs something, this part is right there pushing you to accommodate because this part feels safe and feels connected when we're doing the things that other people want us to do.
12:13
So if you can think about it, this part is one of the parts that kind of fuels your auto accommodation. Whenever we want to just get to know this part a little better, all we have to do is imagine that we didn't accommodate, and then this part starts to get activated or protest.
12:34
So it's important to do this, not in the situation that I'm talking about, because oftentimes when we try in the beginning to work with a part who's very activated in the situation that it's activated, it's a lot harder.
12:52
So we're not in the situation right now. Maybe you're driving in the car, you're at home, you're at work somewhere else, but you're not in that situation. That's when we want to do this little visualization where we imagine that we said no.
13:05
We want this part to reveal itself to us by bringing up the emotion. So I'm imagining I said no. Ooh, I just feel this big wave of anxiety. Okay, now I know what I need to do. Now I need to get to know this part.
13:24
So I want you to just imagine that you can sit down in a moment of calm and just do some thinking about what this anxious part might be trying to tell you. And the first question I want you to ask yourself is, do you have any kind of an image or sensation or part of your body where this part shows up?
13:53
I typically feel all my anxiety in my chest. That's common for a lot of people. So when I think about this anxious part, it's right here in my chest and it just feels kind of heavy. There's also some like electrical, like, feels like little shocks.
14:14
Great. So just identify any identifying features of the part. Next, here's what I want you to ask. When did this part first learn that accommodating was the way to feel safe or connected? And I'm just going to draw a little bit on my own history.
14:35
You know, I probably learned that pretty young. When I did what other people wanted me to do, I felt safe. I felt connected. And so I want you to just think, when did this part learn this? If there's an age that makes sense, great.
14:56
Next question. What is this part most afraid will happen if it doesn't immediately say yes? Oh, my answer would be, this person's going to be mad at me. I'm going to get in trouble. So just let your part answer this question.
15:17
What is going to happen if we don't immediately say yes? And that's where we can often have a lot of compassion. Because if I am a grown woman who still believes that I'm going to get in trouble or that somebody's not going to like me if I don't accommodate, be careful because here's where some judgment can kind of creep in.
15:38
If judgment starts to creep in, just ask it to like step back and give us a little bit of room to work with this other part. I can also have a lot of compassion that inside of me is like a middle schooler or maybe even an elementary age Sara who's afraid that if I don't say yes, and if I don't say yes immediately and enthusiastically, that someone's going to get mad or that I'm going to get in trouble.
16:06
I can have a lot of compassion for that. And then what I want to do is actually let that part feel my compassion. And so to me, that looks like putting my hands on my chest and saying, I hear you. I hear you.
16:27
I understand that you're afraid that if we don't say yes, we'll get in trouble. That really matters to me. I'm really sorry that you feel that way. I'm right here with you and I'm listening. I might also ask this part.
16:45
How have you been trying to protect me all these years? I can imagine this part saying, I'm the one who keeps you safe. If you accommodate, if you say yes, then you never get in trouble and everybody likes you and everybody thinks you're such a team player and everybody has so much respect for all the work you're able to produce.
17:08
And then you get job advancements because everybody's so impressed with you and everybody knows that you're the go-to person and that they can always hand it to you and it's going to get done right. That part is behind all of that.
17:24
And so of course we want to have so much respect and gratitude for that and what we do. And so when the part lets us see how it has protected us, I like to take that opportunity again, hands on my chest and say, thank you so much.
17:46
Thank you. Because what is true is that that is real. I was known as somebody who was dependable and reliable. I was the go-to person in a lot of my working situations because I overproduced and over auto-accommodated, right?
18:04
It did contribute in the past to some success and some belonging and safety and job advancements. And the problem is it just doesn't feel that way anymore. But until we understand it, we can't change it.
18:20
And so that's what we're doing first. So now we understand what this part is afraid of and how it's been trying to protect us. So we're going to ask a third question. What is this part trying to help us avoid or prevent?
18:41
And when I think about this part for me, this part is trying to help me avoid people being disappointed in me, getting in trouble, but mostly like people having a bad opinion of me or thinking that I'm not as capable as they thought I was or that I'm not the type of team player that they thought I was.
19:02
And so this part is really trying to keep like my identity, my reputation safe. And I can have a lot of compassion for that. So when I ask, what has this part helped me to avoid or prevent, there's some really, really good information there.
19:26
Next, I want to know if this part likes doing its job this way by auto accommodating. Do we like the fact that that brings about, you know, some stress, that brings some staying late and working when everybody else has gone home, taking work home with me.
19:46
Does this part like feeling so anxious like this? And if I lean into it, my part might say something like, no, I don't like it, but that's the way it is. Or no, but we have to keep doing this. This is how we stay safe.
20:05
Or the part might just say, no, I don't like it, but I just don't know any other way of doing it. So then we want to know, what would this anxious part need from me? Because remember, I'm an adult. I have resources.
20:22
I have skills. And this part learned this very young. And so this part is very young in its understanding, right? If you don't accommodate, you're going to get in trouble. That's a very, you know, immature kind of juvenile way of putting it.
20:38
And I'm not saying that to denigrate this part at all. But we want to bring some of me today, that I'm an adult, that I have compassion for this part, that I have resources and skills that this part might not know about or have access to.
20:56
We want to just let it know, I'm so grateful that you have been doing this. And that's not our situation anymore, where we're either going to get in trouble or we're going to be punished if we don't immediately say yes.
21:14
Because we're trying to help this part feel safe to practice pausing before accommodating. We just want to put a little pause in here. And so I'm just going to ask this part, what would you need from me to feel safe to practice pausing before accommodating?
21:37
And then I just want to listen for the response. I might want to let this part know we're learning new ways to stay connected without self-sacrifice. We're learning new skills. Most of the time, our parts that are very young just need to know they are not alone and that we, the adult who can handle the situation, is here.
22:05
And so I just want to let this part know that we're going to be trying some new things and that whatever happens, we're going to work it out together. Because somebody might get mad. Somebody might not like that I'm going to pause instead of auto accommodate.
22:24
And so we really want to make sure that this part knows that even if that worst case scenario happens, there is going to be a loving, capable adult, me with them, helping them, listening, feeling just whatever needs to be felt.
22:43
What we're doing is entering into a partnership with this part, between the part and my adult self, to work together to stay safe and honor our needs. Because now this auto-accommodating isn't working anymore.
23:02
And rather than just try to shut it down, we want to work with the part. So these questions really help create a space and a relationship that is built on compassion and listening rather than trying to just override or silence it.
23:18
Because sometimes that might work, but it doesn't feel very good. And often, if we want long-term success, we really have to spend some time working with the part. So once we have had a chance to ask some of those questions and to really understand what this part is concerned about, how it's been trying to protect us, where it learned this, and that there is a loving adult who is compassionate and who is generous,
23:49
who has skills, who can now help. This part can start to trust the loving adult, us, right? So that we can do something different. So that is all the work you want to do before you get into a situation where you usually auto-accommodate.
24:10
Because in the moment, oftentimes we fall back onto our habits and we just automatically say yes. So here's one thing that you need to know. In the beginning, when we have a strong auto-accommodating habit, we're going to automatically say yes.
24:29
And then we have to go back and let the person know, I'm really sorry. I just automatically said yes. And I actually need some time to pause, look at my schedule. Can I let you know on Friday? Because if we always wait for the right situation to come up, we might be waiting a while.
24:52
And I find it more effective in the beginning to go back and practice, even if it just happened, even if it happened three days ago, whatever, to go back to the situation and practice in the past, because that's how we build the confidence and we practice the skills and we build the muscle of doing the pause, the first thing that has to happen.
25:16
I teach these steps in a lot of different contexts, but we have to learn how to pause. We have to say, you know what? Thank you for asking. I need to check my calendar. I'll let you know Friday. Or thanks for thinking of me.
25:30
That's something I've got to think about. Give me a couple days. Having a sentence in your back pocket that gets you the pause is essential. Because again, in the moment to that part, it's just about being safe and connected.
25:46
And that part isn't thinking about your son's soccer game that you're going to miss or the fact that you said that you would give yourself the afternoon to read and relax. That part isn't concerned about any of that.
25:58
It's just trying to keep you safe and connected. So the pause is essential so that we can then calm ourselves down and do some predicting. What resources is saying yes going to take? What time? What energy?
26:17
Like, let's actually think, if I say yes to taking on that extra project, that means that on Thursday, when everybody else goes home, I'm either staying until eight o'clock or I'm taking it home with me.
26:30
What do I think of that? Do I want to do that? What are my options? Is there only this answer or are there other answers that might also fulfill the need that I'm being asked to fulfill here? So all of that can only happen when your brain is relaxed, which is why you need the pause.
26:55
This is also where one of the most important things that we can do is name the emotion that we are going to be feeling. If I say yes to taking on the extra project and I'm working late or taking work home on Thursday, how am I going to be feeling?
27:11
How will I be feeling if I say no? Right? We just want to investigate all of our emotional response to the situation because we also want to make a decision based on what is best for the whole system, which is where I like to ask this next question.
27:29
Is there a good reason to say yes? Is there a good reason to say no? Investigating and liking our reasons is so important. Let's say that I'm up for a promotion and I really need the promotion or I really want it for reasons that I like and this would look good for that promotion.
27:52
Then maybe I decide that I want to accommodate the request because it helps me get something that I want. That's a great reason, but you need to slow down and not just auto accommodate, but you need to do it on purpose because you like your reasons.
28:10
Maybe there isn't a good reason and I'm just acting out of this habitual thing that Chelsea is describing. If I don't have a good reason why I could say yes, then I really want to honor that. I want to know what am I not going to be able to do because I'm working late on Thursday or taking work home with me.
28:32
Being really thorough as you predict all of the different possible resources it's going to take, how you're going to be feeling, the time, what you're not going to be able to do, helps you do a really thorough investigation into your reasons because you're going to pick, right?
28:52
You're going to choose an outcome. But now you're not choosing based on that auto habit. You're choosing based on actual data, right? Predictions of resources, your reasons, and you're prepared to take care of yourself.
29:11
Now that you know what your reasons are and you know why you're choosing what you're choosing and how you're going to feel and what resources it's going to take and you're happy with that, there's one other really, really important step.
29:25
I love to do what I call create the movie. So I'm going to say that for the purposes of our example today, I decide to say no to the extra project, that I'm not going to stay late on Thursday. And I want to create the movie where I go back to my manager and I say, I appreciate that opportunity.
29:49
It's not going to work for me on Thursday. And I get to practice feeling the anxiety because just because I like my reasons and I am really thorough about investigating them doesn't mean that this part isn't still going to be activated and worried.
30:07
And so I learn by creating the movie to walk myself through it in kind of like a practice mode. I feel the feelings. I take care of that part. I have my hand on my chest and I'm telling that part. I hear you.
30:22
And remember, we're doing things differently now. I'm right here with you. And I can take care of that part beforehand, during, and after. And I can practice doing that by creating the visualization, creating the movie, and then running it through my head a couple of times.
30:43
That is a really great way to practice feeling the emotions because eventually I do have to do it in real life where I go back to my supervisor and I say, thanks for letting me know about the opportunity on Thursday.
30:57
It is not something that I'm able to do at this time. But I'm not doing it cold. I've had some practice doing it. I've gotten a chance to take care of my part. Now I get to feel whatever, you know, we're having in that live interaction.
31:14
And I know what to do. I know how to take care of the part of me that is agitated. And even if I end up giving in, even if I end up, even if it doesn't go exactly the way I want it to, now I've had a really great practice round of going back to the person that I auto-accommodated and telling him, you know what, I actually need to think about it.
31:35
Doing the step of predicting where I go through all of those questions for myself. Choosing the response that I want for reasons that I like, taking care of the part, creating the movie and feeling those feelings.
31:50
I've gotten to do all of that. And that is breaking the habit. In the beginning, we can only see clearly the things that have happened in the past. So that's why we have to go back to the past or something that's already happened.
32:04
That's what I mean by that. And engage the person again and say, I need to think that through. If we do that enough times, it becomes present. And we flex those muscles, we do those practice reps in the past, and we gain the capacity to do it in the present.
32:27
And then we even gain almost like the insight to know when it's coming. And so we can prepare for it. So Chelsea, I hope this is helpful. I hope that if you or anyone else has any questions about this episode, you feel free to DM me.
32:44
I read them and you might get your own podcast episode. I just want to leave you with a few phrases that have been helpful for me. Sometimes we want to not auto accommodate, but we also want to offer something.
33:01
And so my favorite phrase in a situation like that is, that doesn't work for me, but what I can do is blank. So let's say that I don't want to say no completely to working late on Thursday. I could say something like, you know what, Thursday doesn't work, but I would happy to do the reports art of that job.
33:25
And I can decide, you know, when I'm not in the situation, if I do want to contribute something, what can I do? That's a great sentence for when we know that we do want to contribute something, but we don't want to say yes to everything.
33:40
So going through these steps is how you break the habit of auto-accommodating. Let me know if you have any questions, if anything stood out to you. I read every single comment and who knows, I might make you your own podcast episode too.
33:53
If you have questions like Chelsea did, I really appreciated hearing from you. And as always, thanks for listening. I'll see you next week.
