Episode 148 - You Can Get Good at Conflict
Improving your conflict skills isn’t about finding the perfect words—it’s about understanding why conflict feels so hard in the first place. When your body believes that speaking up could cost you connection, of course it freezes, softens, or stays quiet. In this episode, I talk about how our nervous systems learned early on that conflict wasn’t safe, and why that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. When we slow down and get curious about our conflict response rather than judging it, that’s when real change becomes possible, and you can actually get good at conflict. Here’s what I cover:
How shifting from “what’s wrong with me?” to “why does this make sense?” helps eliminate the self-criticism spiral
The early lessons your body learned about conflict, compliance, and staying connected
How people-pleasing and staying small function as intelligent survival strategies
The questions I offer to help you look backward and make sense of your conflict response
How attachment patterns shape what your body expects will happen when conflict threatens connection
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Transcript
00:58
The longer I do this, the more convinced I am that the way we are able to handle conflict, the way we are able to have difficult conversations that name our needs, our wants, our desires, what's working for us, what's not working for us, what hurt our feelings, what made us experience uncomfortable emotion in our relationships.
01:24
It really is freedom and it really is the linchpin in what makes you feel close in a relationship, what makes you feel like you can really be seen and heard. And so for a long time inside of Stop People Pleasing, which is my six-month group coaching program, we have spent a lot of time working on having difficult conversations.
01:50
And I recently expanded that section or that module, I guess, of our program to be a month. And I call it conflict month. And I laugh because when I say conflict month, I'm sure some of you are thinking, hell no, like there's, there's just, I am allergic to conflict.
02:12
I don't like it. I don't feel like I do a good job. And I totally get that. Conflict is the thing that feels like kryptonite, right? We hold back. We try to smooth things over. We disappear altogether.
02:28
We hold it inside. We don't rock the boat. And that response actually makes so much sense. And it is why we spend an entire month on conflict inside of Stop People Pleasing. Not because I think in a month we can have all the conflict solved and you can have all the skills and tools you'll ever need, but because beginning to understand how our nervous systems react in conflict, I think is the key to being able to live truly free.
03:00
It doesn't mean that hard things will never happen. It doesn't mean that there won't ever be rupture in relationship. But what it means is that we can talk about it. And if we're going to talk about it, we have to understand first why we can't talk about it.
03:17
Conflict isn't just about communication skills. If it were, I'm sure most of you who are so capable and so thoughtful and so incredibly intelligent, you would have figured it out. If it was just about figuring out the right words, done, right?
03:33
We would figure those out. But it's because whenever we think about saying those words, it's the nervous system response. This isn't safe. This is dangerous. Conflict is also about safety. And it's about the way we find connection.
03:52
It's about the way that our nervous systems learned a long time ago about what happens when you speak up or disagree or tell the truth. So that 's why we start with the body and we slow it way down. We start asking a different question because a lot of the women that I get inside of Stop People Pleasing, they come in and they're very self-critical.
04:20
I am a 40X year old woman or a 51X year old or a 30X year old. And why can't I just say the thing? Why do I freeze? Why does my stomach clench and my throat close up? What is wrong with me? While I understand where that question comes from, it just keeps you locked in this cycle of self-questioning and self-criticism and doesn't actually help us make sense of why you're having that reaction.
04:48
So I like to start with a different question. How did my body learn to react like this when conflict shows up? This question really matters because before we try to change something, we want to understand it.
05:05
So many women are stuck in that self-criticism and they can't see past the question of what's wrong with me to the better question, which I think is, why does this make sense? Conflict feels dangerous.
05:23
It feels dangerous to relationships. It feels dangerous to belonging, to being loved and included and connected. And when we can first start with how does this make sense, it softens that critical self-judgment piece of us that we've been locked in for so long.
05:42
And that alone creates some space for change. So let's start there together today. There's something important that I want you to remember about when you were younger. We all depended on the care of bigger, more capable adults.
06:00
Our parents, our caregivers, our school teachers, our coaches, religious leaders, all of those people kind of formed this protective net around us that allowed us to get what we needed to continue to survive.
06:13
And in that system, especially in the time that we grew up, we didn't have power. And often we didn't even really have a choice. We couldn't leave. We couldn't set and enforce boundaries. We couldn't say, I don't like that.
06:31
This doesn't work for me. I don't want to do that without some repercussions. And even when the adults in your life were well-loving or well-intentioned, the message was often very, very clear. If you do not comply, if you are not agreeable, if you're not obedient, if you disrupt this system, there are consequences.
06:54
And sometimes those consequences were small, right? I remember when I taught kindergarten, if a child was being disruptive at their table, I would remove them. That was a consequence, exclusion, being separated from your peers, being separated from your group.
07:14
Sometimes the consequences meant abuse, withdrawal of love. Even just weathering the disappointment or the silence or the emotional distance of those adults that we needed so badly for survival, that was a punishment.
07:33
And our nervous systems learned very, very early what is safe to do and what is not. And that learning made sense in the context of being young and being dependent. We had to do what the big people wanted.
07:51
Quick interruption. Thank you so much for listening. I asked this client a question today that I want to ask you. How long are you going to let yourself go unseen and unheard in your most important relationships?
08:05
This woman is so capable and so intelligent and also so lonely and resentful. And I know so many of you are as well. So I have a workshop coming up. Say what you need to say. And it's really important for two reasons.
08:19
Number one, it's going to teach you how to find the exact right words. I know that's something we all struggle with. What do I say is such a common question. But number two, it's also going to teach you how to work with the fear or the overwhelm or the anxiety that comes up when you actually go to say those words because we need both.
08:40
We need the right words, but we also need to be able to regulate our nervous systems so that we can actually say them and get to the connection and the vulnerability that we want and deserve. You deserve to be seen and heard in your relationships.
08:56
Check out the link in my bio. All the information you need about the workshop is there and I can't wait to see you. So I want you to hear this clearly. The problem is not that we learned to do that. That was brilliant.
09:13
That was an incredible survival system that we learned how to abide in. The problem now is that that adaptation, that survival strategy is still running. And so now, as an adult woman who is capable, who is articulate, who has some resources and can develop new skills, your body still believes if I'm not nice, if I don't smooth things over, if I rock the boat, something bad will happen.
09:48
And so you keep making yourself smaller. You keep editing and performing and paying the price. This is not weakness. This is not something wrong with you. Again, this is that brilliant, intelligent survival strategy that protected you for a long time.
10:07
And the only thing we need to do now is update it. In adult relationships, we really need to be seen. Not in all our relationships, but we need at least one or two where we can feel honest, where we can feel there's some reciprocity, where we can feel that there's intimacy, we are seen and we are known.
10:33
But that old strategy, performing and minimizing and staying silent, it doesn't create those things. It creates protection, right? You feel safe, but it's at the expense of honesty and vulnerability and connection sometimes.
10:53
And that's why so many women that I talk to are full of resentment and loneliness. We are so busy worrying about other people. And there's that voice inside that says, but what about us? What about me?
11:10
When will I get to be seen and supported the same way I do for everybody else? Or that voice of resentment. I am busting my ass day in and day out to do this for everyone else. Why are they not doing it for me?
11:26
So resentment and loneliness and frustration and sadness and grief, those are all, those make so much sense. And so during conflict month, we actually look backward before we look forward. And these are some of the questions that I ask inside the group that I want to ask you now so that you can do some looking backward in a way that feels helpful.
11:53
Question number one, what were you taught to believe about conflict? Maybe it was dangerous or disrespectful, or maybe it was just completely useless. Maybe you learned, I'm going to have a need, I'm going to speak up, and nobody's going to do a thing about it.
12:10
I will not be thought of. I will not be considered. Disrespectful. I'm going to bring up something I want and someone's going to get mad at me for having the nerve. Dangerous kind of covers a lot of the things that we felt, right?
12:26
I'm going to be abandoned. Nobody's going to want me. So think about the answer to that question. What were you taught to believe about conflict? Question number two, who was allowed to be angry in your family and who wasn't?
12:43
That'll tell you a lot about who gets to express their needs and who doesn't. What happens when you express needs or wants or preferences. And then question number three, what happened when someone challenged authority or named a need or said no?
13:03
Just think back to those answers because they will give you some really important data about why your current conflict response is what it is. And it makes sense. And when we start with, oh my gosh, this makes so much sense.
13:23
Of course I feel like this. Of course I'm not willing to speak up. Of course this is hard for me. That is a place where change can happen and growth can happen. There's another layer that really shapes how you show up in conflict and that is attachment.
13:41
Attachment describes how we learned to stay connected to the people that we needed and what our body now expects will happen when we feel that connection is at risk or there's conflict. If we lean anxious, conflict can feel like if I say this, I will lose the relationship.
14:05
I will be abandoned. So we stay quiet, we soften, we manage, we pretend, and we perform. If you lean avoidant, conflict can actually feel very overwhelming. I'm going to lose myself. I'm not going to know what to say.
14:20
This is going to be too much. So you shut down, you detach, and you disengage. Those two styles, anxious and avoidant, describe a lot of people out there. There's more nuance there. I have a podcast episode number 43 that goes into some of that nuance.
14:39
But both of those responses make sense. There's one other attachment style, secure attachment, that holds a different belief that even if it feels really aspirational and like not what you're able to believe today, I still want you to hear it.
14:58
Secure attachment believes we can disagree and it's actually going to be okay. Conflict is actually going to bring us closer. It doesn't mean something is wrong. It's normal in human relationships. And as we go through this conflict together, we're going to better understand each other.
15:18
We're going to be able to see and honor each other as individual better. And we're going to be more connected. Connection isn't threatened by conflict. It's facilitated by it. And that belief changes everything because we can then start to help your body not react to conflict as a danger anymore.
15:45
It's not something that happens overnight, but over time, working with the parts of you that become very activated, the anxious part, the avoidant part, we can actually help your body not have the same reaction to conflict.
16:02
We also do a lot of working with our conflict avoidant parts because almost always there's a part of you that says, don't do it. Whenever there's conflict, don't do it. Don't say it. Just keep the peace.
16:17
This is going to blow everything up. You're going to get in a lot of trouble. You're going to lose the relationship. You're going to be overwhelmed, right? Whether that part is inherently avoidant or anxious, their solution is the same.
16:29
Don't say it. And so instead of fighting that part, we listen. We learn to ask, what are you afraid of? What are you trying to protect? And what do you need to know about who I am now so that we can have a different experience?
16:49
And that's where real change happens, not through forcing, but through partnership. The adult you, the adult you are now, learns to lean in to that younger part who learned that conflict was dangerous.
17:08
And instead of saying, what is the matter with you? What is wrong with you? Why can't you just say this? To say instead, I actually understand. This is scary. I hear you. You were right back then. And I'm here now.
17:24
That kind of partnership builds trust and it lays the foundation for our bodies to have a different experience with conflict as adults. All of this brings me to the workshop that I'm offering in a few weeks because Stop People Pleasing is not open right now, but I want you to have the opportunity to learn how to work with your nervous system in conflict.
17:51
And so I have a workshop, say what you need to say, because two things are always required in conflict. Number one, you do have to have words that feel good to you, the right words for you and for your situation.
18:04
And number two, you have to have a regulated nervous system. You have to be able to say the words and deal with the discomfort that comes up when you do. You need both. There's no point in having the perfect language if your body goes into full survival mode.
18:21
So inside this workshop, we're going to work on finding the language that is honest and grounded and true for you. And we're going to learn to stay connected to that little part that is scared. And we're going to learn how to say what needs to be said without abandoning yourself.
18:39
And if this feels like work you're ready for, the link is in the show notes and in my bio, and I would love to see you there. Before I go, I want to leave you with a few questions to gently explore over the next couple of weeks.
18:53
I find that the practice of just letting myself sit with a question and telling all my parts and my nervous system, like, it's safe to answer this. I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to get mad at you.
19:06
I just want to know a little bit about what's going on here. That's the spirit in which these questions are offered. So question number one, when conflict begins, what is the first sensation you notice in your body?
19:21
Number two, what does your nervous system seem most afraid of in conflict? Number three, after conflict, how long does it take your body to settle and what helps? Number four, if your conflict response is protecting something valuable, what might that be?
19:46
Your answers are some really, really great information. Because if you can notice, for example, in answer to question number one, when conflict begins, I immediately just feel sick in my stomach. That points to a way that you can support your body.
20:04
If, in answer to question number two, what does your nervous system seem most afraid of in conflict? Well, it's being abandoned. Then that gives you a little bit of information about what your nervous system needs to feel supported.
20:17
It needs to know that you will not abandon you. It needs to know that no matter what, you will be there and just feel whatever needs to be felt. If you're answering question number three and you say, oh, it takes my body a day to settle and I need to walk and I need a bath, that points to some beautiful supportive things that you can do for yourself.
20:42
And if you say, it takes my body days and I don't really ever settle, it just kind of goes away. That points to a need for more skills and resources so that you can have a different experience. And maybe in response to question number four, if your conflict response is protecting something, what would that be?
21:03
It's protecting my relationship. It's protecting my ability to even be in relationship with this person. That's just good to know because what it says is that that young part of you doesn't have any other resources or skills and really wants to keep this relationship.
21:23
And right now they're doing it through self-abandonment. Again, really important information to have. Because when we shift from self-judgment into curiosity, that's what creates the space to change and do something different.
21:39
I would love to know what came up for you when you answered those questions. DM me, email me. I'd love to hear. And if that workshop sounds like something you're ready to do, I would love to see you there.
21:50
Thanks again for listening. Let me know what landed for you in this episode, and I'll see you soon.
