Episode 122 - Signs You're Ready For a Bigger Life!
As women, we receive so much messaging about how big our lives are allowed to be. Whether it’s patriarchy, childhood conditioning, or the communities we’re part of, many women learn that being convenient, optimistic, and helpful makes them lovable. Even though it isn’t true, that influence often keeps us from living our lives in a bigger way. In this episode, we explore the signs that your life is too small for you and how you can start to live a life that’s as honest and expressive as you want. Here's what I cover:
How to recognize when your life has become too small by how your body feels
The most common signs that you're ready to take your life to the next level
Why your dreams feeling impossible or selfish is a signal that you’re ready for change
How resentment and irritation can show up under the surface when you feel stuck in a small life
How emotional suppression can lead to real issues that affect women’s health
An example of how my life changed when I learned how to say what needed to be said
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Transcript
00:58
Every single one of us were born to people, parents, caregivers, who had ideas about what our life was going to look like. They couldn't help it, right? They were taught by the people they were born to what their life was going to look like.
01:15
And I think about, you know, those early years of being alive and all the ways in which we were told this is what is okay, this is what is not okay. This is what you will do. This is what you shouldn't do.
01:30
These are the rules. These are the roles that we want you to take on in your life. And here's how you will be rewarded if you keep those rules and live up to those roles. And you know what, it's inevitable.
01:44
There really isn't another way to do it. And I think that when we're young, especially because of the way children's minds work and develop, they need a lot of structure. They need a lot of kind of black and white rules to live up to.
02:00
live in so that they can feel safe and that they can progress. I get all of that. I wish someone would have said, and you know what? Right now you have all these rules and you're being taught to live and act and show up in a certain way and someday you are going to get to pick what you want.
02:23
You're going to go on an incredible journey to discover yourself, what you like, what you don't like, what lights you up, what makes you feel small and sad, what you want to spend your time doing, what you want to fill your head with.
02:39
You're going to create a whole universe that you get to live in with the people that you love and that you have relationships with and some people will be super close and other people maybe not and you'll get to pick all of that.
02:59
And, I mean, I was never taught that, right? I think it's pretty fair to say that for most of us, between patriarchy, telling women what they should do and who they should be and how they should show up, and then all of the other communities that we each inhabit, whether we're immigrants or women of color or whether we were raised by single moms or single dads, whether we are LGBTQ, whether we are anyone of religious.
03:27
Yeah, there's a big one. There's so much information that comes at us about who we should be, about what the size of our life should look like. And I see so many women struggling with the size of the life that we were taught to create so that we could be loved.
03:48
I very definitely received the message that in order to be loved, I had to be convenient. I was taught that to get the love and connection that I craved, I should be easy to be around and that if my needs were too big or my preferences were too big, that I might get left, right?
04:11
That people would like me more if I was really optimistic and always kind of showing the side of myself that was accommodating and happy, go with the flow. And that worked, or at least I thought it was working right for a long time because I was able to have relationships that worked because I was trying to be uncomplicated, optimistic, always showing up and working.
04:47
But I had the sense and I had the feeling that my life was smaller. It was like wearing a piece of clothing that was too small for me, that wouldn't allow me to move. or express myself, or show up the way I really wanted.
05:02
And every single week, I talk to women who are having that same experience. And for some of them, it's very painful. For others, it's just like a sense of wondering what it might be like to show up in a bigger, more expressive, more honest way.
05:18
But there are signs that your life is too small for you. And I want to tell you about some of them because they're not only signs that show up in the way that you act and the way that you feel and the way you see other people react to you.
05:34
But in the way your body actually feels, the tenseness that is constantly in your jaw, the way you feel like you're just constantly bracing or anxious about the next thing coming. Because what I want more than anything is for women to feel like they are able to live as big, as expressive a life.
05:58
as they want. I know that we all have different circumstances and nervous systems and preferences and dreams, and there are some women who want lives that are calm and quiet and predictable and filled with love and graciousness.
06:14
I want that for them. There are other women who want to be on stage, who want to talk about things that feel very dangerous and live out loud in a way that I think would make other women feel uncomfortable.
06:31
Fine. Not everybody has to be doing the same thing, but the sense is that no matter which type of life you want, there are signs that tell you it's just time for the next level. And I've made a list of some of the common ones that I hear, and I want to talk about them with you because I also have a solution I want to offer you.
06:53
So many women talk about feeling invisible in their own lives. They show up as like the support for everyone else, and they really aren't considered. Sometimes they have people making decisions about them or for them without asking their opinion.
07:11
And other times, there's just this absentee feeling like they are not thought of or they're an afterthought. Another sign, there's the constant feeling of editing. I can't say that it's too demanding.
07:29
I can't say that that's too needy. There's apologizing for having opinions. You constantly work to soften your words or your message until it kind of loses the essence of what you're trying to say. And so when you say it, you have this sense of dissatisfaction of like, oh, it's not really what I wanted to say, but and then you just kind of have to go with it.
07:52
There's also the sense that once you've brought something up or once you've said something, You can't talk about it again even if you have that feeling of lack of satisfaction like I only get one chance there's only one chance for me to say what's on my mind and if it doesn't go the way I want well that's just how it goes and now we've just got to live with what is.
08:16
I have the sense for so long that i was trying to be so diplomatic that i wasn't ever really allowed to be clear i could never really be clear. Another big sign is that you have dreams and wants that feel impossible or selfish.
08:33
That the selfish monster is kind of always looming over anytime you want to speak up you can't imagine pursuing what you want for yourself because of the inconvenience that it would cause others when you do speak up and when you ask.
08:50
to take a pottery class that you've been really wanting to take. You find the day and the time that is least inconvenient for everybody. And that's kind of, you fit your life into the like the holes that are created around other people's schedule.
09:07
There's a feeling of guilt for wanting more than what you have. And if you have aspirations, they have to shrink a little bit to fit other people's expectations. Or like I said, those little holes in the schedule when it's okay for you to do what you want because nobody else needs anything from you.
09:29
Your feelings are a big sign. There's some resentment that's constantly below the surface. Oftentimes you're angry or irritated at little things that don't seem to make sense, but you can't really pinpoint a bigger reason.
09:49
There's a feeling of stuck or trapped, but you don't really know how it happened. You have a good life. Everything is fine. Everything is even good. But there's a feeling on the inside of your body that lets you know something isn't right.
10:08
You're exhausted by how much you give the outflow of your energy versus the inflow and asking for more from other people just feels wrong. So you don't. Another sign is you're afraid of your own voice.
10:26
Speaking up has like a risky or a dangerous quality to it. You're worried about being too much. You've seen other women be punished or denigrated for being bossy or bitchy or too much. And you really don't want that to happen to you.
10:44
So you stay quiet, even when things deeply matter because rocking that boat feels really scary. Another sign, there is a sense of performativeness in your relationships. Like you know what your role is.
11:01
I am supposed to show up. I'm supposed to make everybody feel better. I'm supposed to provide for their needs. I'm supposed to listen to how other people are doing and feeling, and I'm kind of the manager.
11:12
I'm the project manager of everyone else's emotions. And that is more important than expressing my own emotions. People love that you are the project manager of their lives, of their emotions. And it leaves you with a sense of feeling lonely, of feeling unlistened to, unconsidered.
11:36
It goes so far sometimes as a feeling of loneliness, even when you're surrounded by other people because there isn't the connection to you that you have to them. And sometimes we don't even recognize that what we connect to in other people are their needs and wants and sometimes not even their dreams and their emotional life.
11:59
Cause we're so busy just managing needs and wants that the depth that we want, the connection that we want in relationships is missing. There's a sense of envy or even irritation at women who take up more space.
12:14
I used to have this all the time. There was a voice inside of me when I saw other women speaking up, taking up space, I would say, sit down, sit down. That's the voice inside of me would say, because the jealousy, the irritation that I felt looking at those other women, saying what they wanted to say, it felt impossible to me.
12:37
It felt like I could never do that. And instead of feeling inspired by it, I would just feel irritated and underneath the irritation was so much sadness and grief that I didn't feel like I could speak up the way I wanted to.
12:54
So many of us have forgotten what we actually like or we don't know what we actually like or what we want or what we need because those things have just not, they've either been irrelevant or we haven't focused on them for so long that there's a sense of emptiness.
13:11
Your body is also trying to tell you the tightness that you feel in your throat, like words are stuck right there or whenever you want to speak up, like they can get right into that throat, but then it just feels tight and constricted.
13:29
Maybe when you hear your own voice, when you speak up, you're surprised because the quality changes, you get the pitch is higher. Your voice might even get smaller, almost like there is an apology with those words that comes out all at the same time, like you're just sorry that you're even talking.
13:48
existing. I talk to women who literally feel like their throat is closing when they try to express what they need. They feel into their jaw and all of the tension that they feel. Like, take a second right now and take two fingers, your pointer finger and your middle finger, and just press into your jaw.
14:09
Some of that tension, it's because you're literally clenching from stress during the night, or from like not saying the words that you want to say. There's a feeling in your chest sometimes, like you can't get a full open breath.
14:27
Like, there's a weight, a heaviness pressing down that makes it hard to fully expand. Your heart races at the very thought of disappointing someone else or having to have a difficult conversation. I want you to pay attention to your shoulders right now, the bracing.
14:48
the shrinking, the heaviness that is there. Your neck aches from constantly scanning the room to read everybody's move, and all the stress and tension lives kind of in the back of your neck, in the front of your neck, those tight little muscles there.
15:06
Maybe your stomach is in knots. You have nausea, literally you want to throw up when you think about speaking up. There are so many of us who have digestive issues all the time. Some aren't even explainable, right?
15:21
80% of autoimmune disease happens to women. That is because we have so much stuck in our bodies that needs to come out that we don't know how. Those are real issues that affect our actual health. Not to mention like our hands shaking, our body shaking when it's time to speak up, the way our palms sweat before important conversations, the tossing and turning at night instead of sleeping, replaying those conversations over and over and over.
15:58
And if we actually do fall asleep, we don't wake up feeling rested. And the most telling sign is living with a disconnection from our own body, our hunger, our desire, our need, our want. We have had to disconnect because it would be overwhelming to feel the life that we want and not be able to have it.
16:24
We've just spent so many years learning to override those feelings, override our hunger, override our tiredness, our discomfort, because we're the project managers of everybody else's lives. All of that feels like a disconnected smallness of frustration, a stuckness and irritation, a numbness.
16:48
a lot of clients who describe, it's almost like they're watching their life from the outside, and they're not in it. The numbness, the difficulty feeling really connected comes from living too small a life.
17:06
It's like our body has been trying to tell us for years, we don't like this. We want more, we need more, and the tense muscles, the shallow breathing, the knot in the stomach. What it is, is your body telling you we want a fuller, more authentic life.
17:26
We can't do this anymore. One of the most important skills that is required for stepping into and creating that next level, bigger version of whatever you want your life to look like, is to say what you need to say.
17:45
Because until we can learn to put all of those desires and needs and wants into words and to say them, they are going to stay stuck. They are going to cause that inner tension and pressure and pain until we learn to let them out.
18:03
Hey, what are you doing on July 22nd from 12 to 1.30 p.m. Pacific? Because I am going to be teaching one of my most requested workshops, Say What You Want To Say. This workshop will teach you the framework for finding the exact right words for any situation, how to use mental rehearsal to stay confident even when your nervous system is activated, how to handle pushback with grace, and the secret to communicating with both power and kindness.
18:37
I've even got a special giveaway planned for those who attend live. So use the link in my bio or the link in the show notes to sign up for that workshop, and I will see you on July 22nd from 12 to 1.30 p.m.
18:51
It's why it's one of the skills that I teach inside of my group coaching program, Stop People Pleasing. It's something I teach to every single one of my clients because in order to say what really needs to be said, we have to learn to take better care of ourselves, we have to learn to regulate our nervous systems, we have to learn to find the words, and we have to learn to have our own back.
19:14
It's actually pretty complicated, and I see so many of us beating ourselves up. Why didn't you just say it? Why didn't you just, you know, let it out? But it's because we were taught we couldn't, and we were taught that our lives were supposed to be smaller and very convenient for everybody else, and so of course this is hard.
19:36
Of course you don't know how. So if nothing else from this episode, I want you to learn what your body is trying to tell you. what your circumstances are trying to tell you. And I wanna offer you the hope that you can have it.
19:51
You can learn it. My brain works in a very practical way. I don't know, maybe that's the ADHD, who knows? But I need to have a process. And so I developed a process and a formula or a method, whatever you wanna call it, for learning how to say exactly what you wanna say.
20:09
I did a podcast episode about it. It is episode number 23. And so go back and listen to that or come to the workshop that I'm gonna be doing in just a few days, because it is an essential skill for you to have.
20:25
And if you're hearing this after July 22nd, when I've done the workshop, send me an email and I will send you the workshop. Hello, at sarahfisk.coach, because it is essential. Let me give you an example of how in my own life, things changed.
20:43
because I learned how to say what needed to be said. I had a very hard time expressing my emotions about things. I didn't want other people to be inconvenienced or to feel sad or to feel guilty when things happened that I didn't like.
20:59
So I just had this feeling of like, there were lots of things I could not say. And in lots of families, that's what happens. You just don't talk about things. You don't say things in a very clear direct way and that's to protect everybody's feelings.
21:13
A couple of years ago, my birthday was on a Sunday and my dad, who is very active in the church that I was raised in that I no longer go to, had some jobs that the church had given him to do on Sunday.
21:27
And when I called to talk about having them over for my birthday, he said that he couldn't come because he had these jobs to do. Now the old me would have just said, oh, oh, okay. And I would have let maybe a little bit of the disappointment come out, but not all of it.
21:46
And because I had been practicing in lower stakes situations first, that's key because for many of us, saying what we wanna say with our parents or the people that we are most bonded to is the hardest because I had been practicing in lower stakes situations first, I saw it as an opportunity to say what it was that I really wanted to say.
22:08
And I said, dad, I don't think anyone at church would be surprised if you rescheduled these jobs because you have a family's birthday celebration to attend. And he kind of hemmed and hawed and didn't really seem like he was interested in changing his plans.
22:28
And so I asked him directly, dad, are you willing to change your plans so that you can come celebrate my birthday? And he did a little more hemming and hawing. And I said, dad, I know that this job is really important.
22:43
to you. I know it really matters that you show up. I know that these people are depending on you. I get all of that and I really admire your dedication to that. It also makes me sad because what I think I hear you saying is that you are not willing to reschedule those jobs that could be done another Sunday to come and spend time with me.
23:09
Is that what I'm hearing? And he said, yes, that's what you're hearing. And I said, okay, okay. I respect that decision and I want you to know that it makes me sad that you would not be willing to do that.
23:26
And that's where the conversation ended. Past versions of me would never have been able to say what I really wanted to say in. what I considered to be a loving and respectful way. I wasn't yelling at him.
23:43
I wasn't crying. And side note, yelling and crying are totally appropriate in conversations. I'm not saying that those are bad, but I wanted to focus on the message. And what really kind of thrilled me about that conversation was that I got to say exactly what I wanted to say.
24:04
There was no happy ending. He didn't change his plans. He, you know, we didn't end up celebrating my birthday together in that way, but I got to say it. And I am telling you, it was the best feeling, even though I was genuinely sad and disappointed.
24:21
I now feel like I can say what needs to be said, even if it takes me a little bit, even if I'm not able to say it exactly right in the moment, I can come back to it later. I have strategies. I have a framework that I've created that works beautifully that I want to teach you.
24:39
It works for my clients. It works for anyone who hears it, and it's actually easier than you might think. So if you have been feeling the nudge, the pull, the demand, even that it's time for a bigger version of your life, we need to talk.
24:59
And I need to give you what I have gleaned and created to help facilitate that for you, because it is my wish for every woman that she be able to say what needs to be said. Can you think of what could happen just in our relationships and in the world?
25:18
If we were able to speak up with honesty, the type of vulnerability and intimacy that we could enjoy together, will some relationships change because of it? Absolutely. And I'll tell you how to handle that as well.
25:32
I'll teach you how to handle the pushback or the times when it doesn't go well. There will be relationships. relationships that change because of this, and there will be other relationships that become exactly what you've dreamed of, where you are heard and seen and loved for everything about you and where you feel deeply connected to who you are in such an authentic, open way that you can say what needs to be said.
26:02
Thanks for listening. See you next week.
