Episode 134 - Keep Going but Be Gentle
Even with the powerful growth that can happen in coaching, the pressure cooker we’re all living in—the broken systems, the financial stress, the world that feels terrifying—can make everything feel harder, and much of it is beyond our control. But it doesn’t feel hard because you’re weak; it feels hard because it is hard. In this episode, I talk about how remarkable it is that we keep going—keep showing up for ourselves and others—despite it all, and how to be gentler with ourselves in the process. Here’s what I cover:
A powerful coaching conversation about self-doubt and resilience
What it looks like to let more than one thing be true at once
Why “every little bit counts” when everything feels impossible
How to know when your body is asking for rest instead of pushing harder
The power of staying connected to yourself when you can’t fix everything in the world
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Transcript
00:58
I was having a conversation with a client today that turned out to be just such a beautiful moment between the two of us. I wanted to have the same conversation with you because she showed up to her session today really struggling with a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism.
01:17
She is high achieving. She has a full-time career that matters a lot to her. She has children who she loves and wants to show up for. She is married and wants to be a loving and attentive partner. And she is in perimenopause.
01:37
And today it just felt for her like it was kind of all coming down around her. And that's what we're working on, right? She's the type of woman who is keeping all the plates spinning. And a lot of the value that she feels in her life or why she is valuable is because she does keep everything going, right?
01:58
She can handle it. I'm going to call her Angie. And Angie gets a lot of like reward and recognition for being the person who can get multiple projects done at once. And she is smart and she is, people rely on her.
02:15
She comes through. And all of that today felt really, really heavy for her. And we ended up doing some coaching, but also just having a conversation where I said, Angie, one of the things that is hard about being a coach is that, you know, I'm trying to help you develop skills and learn how to do things differently, which I'm capable of doing, which you're showing up to do.
02:44
But very rarely do we sit back and name like all of the broken structures that you are trying to exist in and all of the pressures and all of the kind of outside influences that are happening right now.
03:03
Like we live in a unique time in the world when democracy in our country is on the decline. And that has an effect, right? We live in a time when the gap between people who have billions and billions of dollars and people who feel like they're not going to make it from week to week is just getting wider and wider.
03:27
And that is a dynamic that we live with that we can't really fix here in our coaching sessions. And so in some ways, I want to be honest that while I am able to help you develop new skills and learn how to handle your emotions better and speak up and set boundaries and know what you want and learn how to trust yourself.
03:49
Like all of those things are true and you can do them. There's also a certain amount of bullshit that's happening in the world, in your body, that we're not going to be able to control because it's bigger than us.
04:05
And I asked her, would it feel helpful if we just talked about the pressure cooker that you're living in that has nothing to do with you? And she said, oh, it just feels like I'm being the victim. I said, Angie, we are the victims in some ways, right?
04:23
Things are happening to us that we don't control. We can always choose a response. And that's what I think coaching is really good for is helping you choose a response. But that doesn't mean that the broken systems are not there.
04:38
And so we just went through and talked about what is it like to live in a country where you see scenes playing out on the news that you never thought would happen in your country. And the sadness and the worry, the way that friendships and relationships have been fractured and affected by politics, pandemics, by the way we parent differently, right?
05:05
We go to different churches. Like there's, there's fault lines in a lot of our relationships now that aren't for reasons that we fully control. I know that I am grieving relationships and friendships that are with people who are still alive.
05:24
They're not gone, but the relationship is different. There's a financial stress that so many of us are living with now that didn't used to exist, right? Everything costs more. Everything feels like it costs more.
05:40
Everything feels like it takes so much more effort. In a lot of ways, that low-level financial stress is constant and relentless. And while, yeah, we can work on some of the way you think about that and the way your parts are showing up in coaching, there's a very real financial stress that we're not going to be able to easily alleviate.
06:07
And that takes a lot of people doing more than we are able to do. Our elected officials have to act in our behalf instead of against us, against our best interests in a way that it seems like is happening all over the place.
06:25
The world sometimes can feel terrifying, war, hurt, anger, rage. The news can sometimes feel like a horror show that you can't look away from. Climate change, wars, rights being rolled back, political chaos.
06:46
It's all happening at once. And we're supposed to just go to work, make dinner, try to carve out something that feels normal in this. And I said, Angie, you're doing amazing. You are still getting up.
07:05
You are still showing up. You are still trying. I think one of the things that gets tricky for women is, do I rest or do I still show up? And so we talked about, is this your body showing you I need some rest?
07:22
Right? Being in perimenopause is really, really hard. Your body, it feels like betrayal. It feels like systems are not working anymore the way they worked once or were supposed to. And it can feel like there aren't ready solutions.
07:43
There isn't a pill that you can take that's going to make you feel better in 60 minutes like a headache. So many of us are suffering with a lot of health consequences that we don't yet have really good fixes for.
07:57
You're exhausted, but you can't sleep. You're hungry, but nothing sounds good. Your body feels like it's doing things against your will. I can't remember words. I walk into rooms and forget why. And I'm also still trying to figure it out.
08:12
And she said, I do feel like it's hard to know. Do I rest or do I show up? And that's when we talked about letting more than one thing be true at once. Like we're so exhausted. And there are reasons why we want to keep showing up.
08:33
That's one thing women know how to do is to keep showing up, especially when everything is falling apart. I'm not saying that you should, because if multiple things can be true at once, maybe you also need to rest.
08:49
We have done some incredible things as women, carried humans in our bodies, held families together while holding jobs down, doing things to become better caregivers, better partners, better mothers, all while going to the store and making sure there's something for dinner.
09:09
In some ways, we have been handling impossible things our entire lives. And the fact that that now feels hard, that's because it is hard. It doesn't have anything to do with being weak or being too emotional.
09:25
But if we can let more than one thing be true, what if we can show up and we can rest? What if we can keep going because there are things that matter to us and reasons why we want to keep going, but we don't have to keep everything going?
09:43
What if there are some things that we can let go of? Angie, in so many ways, is resilient in a way that she's not giving herself credit for. She's been through heartbreak and loss. She's been through transitions that terrified her.
10:03
She has had things happen that she thought would bury her and days when she was sure that she couldn't do it. And we acknowledge that together. And that she is still here. She's still trying. She's still loving people when it's not easy.
10:22
And she's still hoping, even when it feels foolish. She is still showing up, even when she is not sure what it's supposed to look like. And that's not weakness. What if you too are allowed to be tired and proud of yourself for showing up?
10:40
What if you're allowed to be exhausted by all of this and still recognize that you're doing something remarkable just by getting out of bed tomorrow? What if we can be scared about the state of the world today and still find moments of joy and beauty and silliness and connection and reverence and awe because those things exist together.
11:11
And I just want to clarify, when I say keep going, it doesn't mean be fine. It doesn't mean be okay or that everything, that you should look like everything is going well, that you should push down your feelings or smile through it or be positive and grateful.
11:30
I don't mean any of that. I don't mean do more, try harder or try better. I just mean don't abandon yourself in this process. Stay connected to the part of you that needs rest and give that part some rest.
11:46
Stay connected to the part of yourself that's feeling whatever it's feeling, exhausted, angry, panicked, scared. And just let yourself acknowledge that without judgment. And then decide just what is the next thing that I want to do?
12:05
I want to sit right here and take five minutes to myself. I want a drink of water. I want to text a friend. I want to read a poem. Rest when you need to rest. Rest is so essential. And it is a right.
12:23
You deserve to rest. You're doing so great. You're doing so much. I know it. Maybe you could ask for help. Maybe you could let someone love you in a way that you don't normally let them. Maybe you could stop trying to do it alone.
12:41
Those are all ways to give ourself some relief and rest. Back when blogging was the thing, I had this idea that I wanted to start a blog and I would start it and then I would stop it and then I would start it and I would stop it.
12:56
And I was like, this isn't a blog. This doesn't count because I'm not doing it consistently and I'm not growing, you know, my readership and blah, blah, blah. I don't know. This was probably around 2000, I don't know, five or six.
13:08
And I decided to change the name of my blog to Every Little Bit Counts because chronically I was telling myself that only the big things counted. And I wanted to cultivate the belief that every little bit counts.
13:26
Getting out of bed, that counts. Putting on real pants, gold star. Feeding yourself something that is nourishing, fantastic. If it's just cereal, that counts. Saying no to one thing that I really don't want to do, that counts.
13:48
When I text a friend and say, I'm really struggling today with the weight of how everything feels, that counts. Letting myself cry, that counts. Purposefully finding one little reason to be joyful or happy that counts.
14:08
I think for so many of us who are used to just carrying the load and Angie, all the plates spinning, we get into thinking like, it only counts if I keep all the plates spinning. That's not true. Any plate that you can keep spinning with all the shit show that is going on around us, that counts.
14:31
What I wanted, Angie, to reflect on and what I want each of you to know is that you're amazing. You are not doing this wrong. If you're tired, if you're grieving, that's right. You're not being dramatic.
14:52
You have a heart that cares about connection, about other people. If you're scared about money and the future and the world, that's not being weak. That's you seeing potential issues and being awake in the world, being awake in a world that is full of pain sometimes.
15:14
And you're doing amazing. You are whole and beautiful and perfect in a world that is broken. And you're still here. Trying to make it better. Trying to take good care of yourself and the people you love.
15:33
That's fucking extraordinary. And you're not alone. I know it feels lonely. I feel lonely. I think that's something kind of unique about the pain that we feel as we look out kind of in the suffering of the world.
15:48
It can feel really heavy and really lonely. And a lot of us would say that we're barely holding it together. And in a way, that's actually the point. We are all in this impossible moment together, doing our best with bodies that are changing, relationships that are shifting, a future that seems uncertain, a world that feels like it's losing its mind some days.
16:17
And we're doing it together. Keep going, but be gentle. This isn't something that gets to be done perfectly. There's not a perfect way to do this. It is not something that we are all going to figure out.
16:33
We are not going to heal these global systems of oppression and disenfranchisement. We are going to be able to make a difference in our circles with our votes, with the communities that we belong to.
16:50
That's where we can really be nurtured and show up to nurture. Don't lose sight of the fact that we all exist in these broken systems and we're still showing up. We are not going to be able to fix all of these systems, but we can stay connected to ourselves.
17:10
We can stay connected to our needs. We can have a nap or a glass of water or chocolate chip cookie or a conversation with a friend whenever we need. And we have to keep choosing ourselves that way so that we can continue to show up for other people that we care about.
17:30
And I know you're trying so hard. I know you're doing the best you can. I know you're showing up for the people that you love with the best parts of your effort. And it's not always the same. So take a deep breath.
17:47
Put your hand on your chest or your heart and say this with me. I am doing the best I can. And that's more than enough. I am showing up the best way I can. And it's going to be enough. Because it is.
18:05
We're going to be okay. Not perfect. Not all fixed. That's not the point. That's not what we've been going for. But we're going to be okay. And we're going to do it together. I have a lot of faith in individual people who want to create places of peace, places of beauty, places of rest, places of acceptance.
18:27
And we're going to do that together. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next week.
