Episode 132 - How Over-Apologizing Hurts You and How to Stop
Because every one of us has been raised with the good girl rules—to be nice, agreeable, and never rock the boat—almost every woman I work with has the habit of over-apologizing. You’re capable, you’re accomplished, and you work hard, yet “sorry” slips out at the beginning of every sentence. In this episode, we explore how over-apologizing hurts you and how to practice a different way of showing up. Here’s what I cover:
How over-apologizing lowers your authority in other people's eyes and trains your own brain to see yourself as less valuable
Why it’s important to consider what you’re trying to accomplish with your apology
Why pausing before you speak is the foundation for breaking your over-apologizing habit
The power you’ll reclaim when you replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you”
Why increasing your capacity for discomfort is key to stopping over-apologizing
A practical homework assignment to complete your own apology audit
Find Sara here:
https://pages.sarafisk.coach/difficultconversations
https://www.instagram.com/sarafiskcoach/
https://www.facebook.com/SaraFiskCoaching/
https://www.tiktok.com/@sarafiskcoach
https://www.youtube.com/@sarafiskcoaching1333
What happens inside the free Stop People Pleasing Facebook Community? Our goal is to provide help and guidance on your journey to eliminate people pleasing and perfectionism from your life. We heal best in a safe community where we can grow and learn together and celebrate and encourage each other. This group is for posting questions about or experiences with material learned in The Ex-Good Girl podcast, Sara Fisk Coaching social media posts or the free webinars and trainings provided by Sara Fisk Coaching. See you inside!
Transcript
00:58
Because every single one of us have been raised with the good girl rules and we know exactly what is expected of us to be nice, to be kind, to never rock the boat, to not make people feel uncomfortable, to always be the one who defers or accommodates or acquiesces.
01:15
Every single woman that I work with has the habit of over-apologizing, and it's not your fault. What I want to talk about in this episode is how it hurts you and how to stop. Because by far and away, I think apologies feel like throwaways, right?
01:33
Oh, I'm sorry. My fault, my bad. They feel like they're not very important. But as I have worked now with hundreds of women and looked at this habit in myself and in the women that I coach, it actually is a real problem for a couple of reasons that I want to point out.
01:52
And I want to give you some help on how you might look at this habit in yourself and make some different decisions. I was working with a client last week. She had worked almost 60 hours to present some quarterly results in a big meeting with shareholders and with the C-suite of the company where she was working.
02:12
And inadvertently, she started her presentation with, sorry, I know everyone is busy. And she could feel in her body that she had positioned herself as an interruption rather than a valued contributor.
02:29
I have done this myself. You know, I want to talk to my husband about something that's important. And I have heard myself say like, hey, I hate to bring this up. I'm sorry. And all of a sudden I'm apologizing for having needs, having wanting to have a conversation about something that's important.
02:47
And so if you've caught yourself doing this, saying sorry before you speak or before you ask, before you exist, then I really hope that this episode is going to give you some ideas to think about and some ways to change how you show up.
03:01
Because here is what I know. You're capable. You're accomplished. You're working incredibly hard. You are trying to make relationships valuable and deep and vulnerable in home and with people that you care about.
03:15
And in your professional life, you are trying to show that you have excellent work. And the problem is that when we apologize, we unconsciously message that the way we are is not okay, that being good at what you do somehow requires you make yourself smaller to make other people comfortable with your excellence.
03:42
And I really want to take a hard look at that. What is really happening when you apologize is that you are putting yourself in what is called a one down position. Everyone else is above you. You have some powerlessness and some victim-in-ness, right, in that one down position because you're signaling, I was wrong or I'm less than even when you're not.
04:08
And this does two things simultaneously. Number one, it lowers your authority in other people's eyes. And it trains you, your own brain, to see yourself as needing an apology, less than credible, less valuable, less deserving of space.
04:27
For high achievers, this is particularly insidious because you're often apologizing for the very things that make you valuable. Your standards, your attention to detail, your thoroughness, your expectation of excellence, the internal standard that you hold yourself and people who work for you and with you too.
04:49
Think about it. When was the last time that you said maybe something like, I'm sorry for the long email, when that email contained crucial information, or sorry to be picky when you were actually ensuring quality, or sorry to push back on this when you were trying to point out something that would prevent a costly mistake at work.
05:11
You're apologizing for doing your job well. There are parallels to that in home relationships as well. When you say sorry for bringing something up that needs to be addressed that is weakening family ties, when you want to address behavior that is problematic in the home and you apologize, it makes it seem like what you want to say isn't really valuable and isn't really important for other people to listen to.
05:42
I have found that this is more of a reflex rather than choice for most women. There's no pause. There's no assessment. It's really just a knee-jerk habit that doesn't actually ask the question, was harm actually caused here?
05:57
Because that's what apologies are for, right? Apologies matter when they are about repairing harm. But when it's a knee-jerk reaction, we don't give ourselves the chance to even reflect on what is really needed in this moment.
06:13
Do I need to acknowledge some awkwardness? Do I need to bring attention to a different dynamic? And when I throw out an apology, when I haven't caused harm, what am I trying to accomplish with that? That's the first question I want you to think about.
06:32
When you apologize as a knee-jerk reaction, what are you really trying to accomplish? I have some insights on that, and I'm going to share those in a minute, but I want you to just think about that for a second, because most of the time, the answer is nothing was wrong.
06:48
There was no harm done and no apology was needed. And so if I'm apologizing in a knee-jerk way, what am I trying to do? Where did I learn that? Where was I taught or given the programming that I should be the one to put myself in this one-down position?
07:06
And for what purpose? There are some real reasons why over-apologizing is actually harmful. We've talked about a couple. First, it erodes your confidence and influence, right? When you're constantly apologizing, you look less secure and less competent, even when you are neither of those things.
07:26
Other people might start to unconsciously question your judgment before you offer it because you've already apologized for it, giving it the air of less than valuable, less than real. We talked about the fact of how it trains your own brain to see yourself that way.
07:45
There's another reason, though. It weakens an apology. When sorry is like verbal filler, it loses all of its power. When you actually need to take responsibility for something that matters, if apology is just kind of the way that you make everything okay, it doesn't have the weight that it should.
08:07
You've devalued the currency, let's say, of your apology by offering it so often and with so little thought. Another reason why apologizing is actually harmful is because it increases self-blame and anxiety.
08:25
You're conditioning yourself to assume responsibility for everything that goes wrong, even things outside of your control. Your nervous system starts to treat every interaction as something you need to fix, you need to manage, or you need to smooth over.
08:43
I remember clearly a man bumped into me with his shopping cart in the middle of an aisle, and I apologize, and I felt a little rush of guilt or shame. Was I in his way? Was I doing something wrong? I wasn't.
08:59
I was just getting my bag of chips, right? He hit me. But the self-blame and anxiety that we feel as chronic over-apologizers is a real thing that we carry with us in the world, and it keeps us small.
09:18
Apologizing becomes a way of shrinking into a more palatable version of yourself. That's what I was doing in the aisle with my shopping cart, like shrinking, like literally trying to get out of his way, instead of widening my capacity to hold a moment of silence or awkwardness where I don't say anything to make it better.
09:46
So many times, what I'm working on with clients is how to increase their capacity for discomfort. Offering knee-jerk apologizing instantly shrinks you from something that's taking up space to something that is shrinking to try to get out of other people's way.
10:06
It's really teaching people to question your authority and your right to take up space. Oftentimes in the workplace, it's like this subconscious tax you are paying for being good at what you do, especially if you're a woman.
10:26
You're apologizing to make yourself palatable and to make yourself okay for those around you. And there's one other thing that I don't think gets talked about very much. Over apologizing creates resentment, both in you and your relationships.
10:45
Because when you're constantly making yourself small and convenient for everyone, there is a part of you that's keeping score. For me, in my mind, it sounds like this. I am trying so hard not to be a burden here.
10:59
Why aren't you doing the same thing? I apologize for everything. Why don't you? I try to make myself palatable and easy to be around and likable. Why aren't you? And that resentment can build up in romantic and personal relationships, in work relationships, and just kind of the way we move about the world in general.
11:22
I remember on a very recent trip to Costco, I just had this like anger as I was trying, you know, maneuvering my cart, trying to get my stuff. And what I was thinking was that same thing. I am trying so hard to just be good and nice and get out of people's way.
11:40
Why aren't you? At all the people who were leaving their carts in the middle of the aisle to go get their sample. It just felt, I was so angry. And it was all from this way of thinking of, listen, I try to keep myself small and nice for everybody.
11:57
Why aren't you? And so if you feel some of that, this might be where it's coming from. That resentment builds. And it can be confusing because you're the one choosing to apologize. And yet I'm also, well, I guess I shouldn't say me, I'm the one choosing to apologize sometimes.
12:16
And I'm also angry that other people aren't matching my level of self-diminishment, making myself convenient for other people. It just becomes a losing game. Because here's what most people don't realize.
12:34
Over-apologizing doesn't make you easier to love. Over-apologizing does not make you easier to work with. And there's a chance it's actually making you harder to be close to, exhausting even. Because when you apologize for, let's say, asking your partner to do their share of household responsibilities, or you preface every request to a friend or to a coworker with, sorry to bother you, or apologizing before you give feedback to your team,
13:10
which is your job. You're making other people manage your emotions before they can respond to your actual need or engage with your actual points. Think about it. When you say, hey, I'm so sorry, that is going to elicit a response in the other person where they either have to dismiss your apology or manage it for you.
13:36
Oh, no, no, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. Yeah, tell me what, what do you need to talk about? And the very thing that we're doing to try and be quote unquote low maintenance creates high maintenance.
13:48
It creates this whole kind of thing that we have to work through before we can get to the actual issue. So if over-apologizing is harmful, why do we keep doing it? Here's where I want you to have a lot of compassion and understanding for yourself.
14:09
There is a nervous system component. For many people, pleasers, apologizing is a fawn response, F-A-W-N, Fawn. It's a survival strategy that we learned to keep safe. If I apologize first, maybe I won't be rejected.
14:30
Maybe I won't be criticized. Maybe I won't be abandoned. There is something inside of us that uses apologizing to be safe or to try and maintain connection. Somewhere along the line, we learned that if I don't have needs or if I can make myself small and palatable, then I will have a place.
14:50
There is a real nervous system component. Second, there's learned conditioning. Many of us, as I mentioned in the beginning, learned that the good girls, they're always agreeable. They never cause discomfort.
15:05
They don't take up too much space. And apologizing becomes the way we signal, I'm not too much. I'm not a threat. I'm safe to be around. I will make myself small so that the discomfort is either all centered on me and so that you don't have to deal with any discomfort.
15:24
That learned conditioning is real and it's not something that we chose. And so as you start to see it in yourself or become more aware of it, I want you to be really gentle and really tender with yourself.
15:38
Third, there might even be what I could call some strategic thinking or what we might think is strategic. High achievers, many of them have learned that apologizing makes their excellence more palatable.
15:54
They have learned you can be smart, you can be capable, and you can be successful as long as you make other people comfortable with it, as long as you make it easy for others to be around your competence.
16:07
And they do that by apologizing, by diminishing their contributions, their thinking. But I think here's something that needs to be understood. It's not actually strategic. It is self-sabotage that is dressed up as politeness.
16:25
Let me ask you something. How many times in your relationships at work, at home, everywhere else, have you brought up a legitimate concern and then ended up apologizing for bringing it up? It might sound like, sorry, I know you're tired and doing a lot, but I'd like to talk about how the household responsibilities are divided.
16:51
Or, I'm sorry to be so sensitive, but can we talk about what you said earlier? Or, listen, I'm really sorry that I, you know, I know we're all really busy, but I feel like we need to talk about the numbers that such and such department is producing.
17:08
You're apologizing for having standards, for having needs, for having feelings. And that really contributes to the one down position that most people pleasers feel like they are in all the time that they try to get out of by pleasing.
17:28
It also teaches everyone around you that your needs are an imposition, that your feelings are inconvenient, that you're the problem, that your standard of doing things is somehow bad or wrong. It is really common for the women I work with to want to address something in one of their relationships and to end up apologizing for it.
17:51
Okay, so how do we actually stop? I'm a big fan of the pause. You have heard it in other episodes. This is the foundation. Ideally, we pause before we apologize. Before the word leaves your mouth, ask yourself, did I actually do something wrong?
18:13
Is this situation calling for an apology? Like, is there something to repair here? Do I need something else like empathy or understanding? And third question, what would happen if I just said nothing?
18:32
The last one is crucial. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just allow silence. Just let that moment be what it is without rushing in to fix it with an apology. Now, if you've already apologized, I want you to do this work even after it's happened.
18:54
So let's go back to me in the grocery store. The man hits my back of my legs with his cart. And I say, oh, sorry. Now, it's already happened. The words already left my mouth. But I need to go back and take myself through these questions.
19:08
Number one, did I actually do something wrong? No. Number two, what is this situation actually calling for? You know what? It was just a human interaction. And number three, what would happen if I just said nothing?
19:25
That's where a little bit of discomfort comes up. Because if I can imagine it without the apology, he hits my legs with the back of his cart. I notice him. And then I just say nothing. That is where your capacity for discomfort increases.
19:43
Because when you choose to not rush in and make it better, if I were to have chosen to not rush in and make that situation better for him, we would both just get to stand there in some silence and get to decide what we do without me trying to smooth it over.
20:05
So sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is just allow some silence, to just let it be what it is, awkward, whatever, without trying to smooth it over. Step number two, I want you to think about some alternatives.
20:21
Instead of saying, sorry, I'm late, try, thank you so much for waiting. Instead of, hey, I'm sorry to bother you, try, do you have a moment? Instead of saying, you know, I'm sorry for the long email or for having so much to say, try.
20:42
I really value being thorough or I want to be thorough here. Instead of saying, you know what, I'm sorry, I have a question. Try. I have a follow-up question. And I want you to notice how these alternatives shift the energy from you being in the wrong to you just acknowledging someone else's patience, someone else's time.
21:08
Because I do believe that it is a good idea in relationships that we care about to acknowledge when people wait for us, when people are spending time on us, right? There's nothing wrong with that. But our discomfort with that, the way we have been programmed to be uncomfortable is what leads to the apology.
21:27
And so I want you to just notice the energy shift away from there's something wrong with me, I shouldn't be saying this, I'm a bother, to just the acknowledgement of what the situation really is, whether it's somebody else's patience with you, the time they're spending with you, or the fact that you're both working to create something here together.
21:51
So if you want to make it really simple, I want you to just try replacing every sorry with thank you. And I want you to watch what happens. So, hey, thanks for your patience. Thanks for the feedback.
22:05
Thank you for making time for this. It's a small change, but it's going to have a big impact. One of the places where it has massive impact is building your tolerance for discomfort. Most of my clients, heck, I'm going to say all of them, me included, we need to increase our capacity to hold discomfort.
22:29
That's what this is really about. We please to diminish our own discomfort or our perception of other people's discomfort. And we need to increase our capacity to let other people feel their feelings and for us to not run from our own feelings.
22:49
When we stop apologizing, when we stop asking for permission, when we stop overexplaining, we increase our discomfort tolerance. And that is a hugely rewarding skill. When we can allow silence, when we can allow disagreement, when we can say things like, I know this might be hard for you to hear, instead of, I'm so sorry.
23:16
When we can say, I totally understand that you feel that way, instead of, I'm so sorry. When we can say, you know what, your thinking on that makes a lot of sense to me, even though we have a difference of opinion.
23:32
Instead of, I'm so sorry, right? Those phrases allow us to hold our ground without apologizing for it. And they acknowledge the other person without diminishing ourselves, without putting ourselves in that one down position.
23:49
They create space for discomfort without making you responsible for eliminating it or making it better. I'm going to say that again. They create space for discomfort without making you responsible for eliminating it or making it better.
24:09
Because that's the tension that people pleasers live with, right? If there's discomfort, it's my job to fix it. If somebody's mad, I've got to do something about that. Here's the truth. When you stop reflexively apologizing, there will be some discomfort.
24:29
You're going to feel it. Others might feel it. And that's okay. Discomfort, especially when it's acknowledged, that makes it okay. It makes it normal. And discomfort isn't damage. That's one of the things that we need to think and hold in our hearts.
24:52
Other people being uncomfortable doesn't mean that there is damage to relationships. Discomfort is normal. Discomfort is a normal part of human interactions. And our job isn't to make everyone comfortable all the time.
25:08
Our job is to show up with integrity, to communicate clearly, and to take responsibility when we have actually caused harm. So a couple of things. I gave you some phrases to try out, right? I also want to give you a little bit of homework.
25:28
For the next 48 hours, just keep a note in your phone or somewhere. And every time you say sorry, I want you to write it down along with what you were apologizing for. And at the end of 48 hours, I want you to categorize them.
25:45
How many were for actual mistakes that you made? Okay, those that might be where you, you know, an apology is necessary or even needed. Number two, how many times did you apologize just for having needs or opinions?
26:03
How many times were you apologizing for other people's mistakes or inconveniences? And how many of the apologies were just verbal filler? Most women, myself included, are really surprised to discover, I'm going to guess, 80 to 90% of the apologies fall into those last three categories.
26:26
Apologizing for having needs and opinions, apologizing to make everybody comfortable with mistakes or inconveniences that aren't even yours to own, or just verbal filler. Once you see your pattern, you can start interrupting it.
26:41
Once you see how you can increase your capacity by just letting the silence be what it is, it gives it a purpose. And oftentimes it's so valuable that we're more willing to do it. So save the apologies for when they really matter, for when you've truly caused harm, when you've hurt someone, made a genuine mistake, or done something else.
27:06
That's when I'm sorry has weight and integrity. And when you reserve your apologies for real situations that need repair, your apologies become powerful again. That's when they mean something and people take them seriously.
27:23
Last, I know what you're thinking. If I stop apologizing, are people going to think I'm mean, I'm arrogant, or I'm difficult? Here's the truth. The people who matter, the ones who respect competence and directness, will actually find you more credible and not less.
27:44
They will trust you more because you're not undermining your own authority and requiring them to address your apologies by saying, no, no, no, it's okay. The people who want you to be small and apologetic, yeah, they're not going to like it that you don't apologize anymore.
28:03
They're not your people. And they're trying to continue your habit of shrinking yourself to keep them comfortable. And you're going to have to decide what to do about those people because they're not your people.
28:18
They want you small and they want you palatable. There is a massive difference between being collaborative, being open, and being apologetic. You can still be warm and kind and considerate without constantly positioning yourself as wrong or less than.
28:40
In fact, here's what I have found. When you stop over apologizing, you actually become easier to work with and to be close to because people can take you at your word. They can respond to the actual content of your requests, of your insight, and they can trust that when you do apologize, it actually means something.
29:07
Look, this is really important work. These throwaway apologies, they're really problematic. And I'm not advocating for you to completely erase the word sorry from your vocabulary. That's not the goal.
29:21
The goal is to use it with intention, to save it for moments when it matters, when repair is needed. I want you to stop using it as a shield, a filler, or a way to make yourself smaller. You don't need to do that.
29:37
Your excellence, the way that you perform and show up for people, there's no need to apologize for that. Save your sorries for when they really matter. I just want you to notice how many times you say sorry.
29:51
Notice the ones that are necessary and the ones that are just habitual. Notice how it feels in your body right before or after you apologize. That anxiousness, that worry that you're taking up too much space, that resentment of like, why aren't other people also apologizing the way I constantly am?
30:09
That's what we want to get rid of. Practice the pause. Practice the alternative phrases. Practice allowing the discomfort, the awkward silence. Because learning to stop reflexive apologizing is one of the most powerful ways that people pleasers reclaim their power, their confidence, and their presence.
30:32
And you deserve to take up space without apologizing for it. That's it. I would love to hear what you discover as you do your apology audit. What are you apologizing for? Send me a DM. I love feedback.
30:46
Thanks for listening. I'll see you next week.
