What Do You Say When... He's on His Phone During the Show?
What do you say when he’s on his phone during the show? Maybe you tell yourself it’s not a big deal, so you don’t say anything. There’s no argument and no chance of being hurt by what he says when you bring it up. But your silence is still costing you something: connection. This is the first episode of a series called “What Do You Say When…” Over the next week, these short episodes will each give you one concrete thing you can say when you’re stuck in a difficult moment.
If you want more, join Sara live for one hour this week for a free workshop, SPEAK UP. There’s no replay, so bring the conversation you keep avoiding. You’ll learn the Three Speak Up Skills and figure out what’s keeping you stuck.
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Transcript
00:59
For the next few days, I'm going to be releasing a short seven-minute or less episode in a series I'm calling What Do You Say When...
01:07
Short and sweet with one concrete thing you can say. Let's dive in. What do you say when he's on his phone during the show? It's 8:40 PM on a Tuesday night.
01:18
You are sitting down to watch the show that you picked together. You've been looking forward to it all day.
01:23
It's finally time when you can sit down with him and just be in the same room, in the same space. And then his phone lights up, and then again, and then again.
01:35
And you watch him look down, start to thumb through something while the scene plays out on the TV. You say his name. "Yeah, yeah, I'm still listening," he says. And technically, he is.
01:47
He could probably summarize the episode if you quizzed him, and that's the part that makes it hard to say anything. Technically, he is listening. But here's what starts to happen in your head.
02:00
You tell yourself, "It's not a big deal. It's a TV show.
02:04
Grown women do not pick fights over TV shows." You tell yourself that he works hard and that this is just how he unwinds after a long day, and if you start policing how this man relaxes on a Tuesday, it's gonna become something bigger.
02:19
You tell yourself that if you say something, you'll sound needy, and this is the one that feels the most tender.
02:26
You don't want to be clingy, like the kind of wife who monitors her husband and is always attention seeking. So you don't say anything and you're hurt. But then you go quiet.
02:39
You stop laughing at the funny parts in what you're watching, and you stop engaging and asking him questions, and you watch the rest of the show with your jaw set and with your hands in your lap.
02:51
And then around 10:15, you say you're tired, you go to bed. He says good night, and you say good night with that tone that is just one degree cooler than your normal voice. He notices.
03:04
He doesn't know what it's about, and he doesn't say anything because what he has learned is that when you get like this, it usually passes by morning.
03:15
So he gives you a kiss, and you roll over and go to bed. It makes a lot of sense what you're doing, because no one can call you difficult if you're not saying something that's difficult to hear.
03:28
No one can call you needy if you're saying something that another person might interpret as needy. But here's the thing. Step back from the TV for just a second.
03:37
This is just an example of a bigger pattern. You want something from him.
03:42
You want his attention or his help or his interest in something that matters to you, and then you decide against telling him because you don't wanna seem needy or clingy or demanding.
03:55
Think back over your marriage or partnership or the time you've been together. How many versions of this scene have there been?
04:03
How many times over how many years have you squished those wants down because saying it out loud just felt like too much? You don't need the exact number to feel the size of that.
04:17
That's what the silence is buying you. There's no argument.
04:21
There's no chance of him saying, "I didn't realize that mattered to you," which would confirm the thing that you're most afraid of, that it doesn't matter to him. But here's what it costs.
04:33
Being seen, being understood, being close to the person that you choose, and then you're building a case in your head against your husband that he has never once been told about.
04:45
He's losing an argument that he doesn't even know he is in. That is costing you closeness in one of the most important relationships in your life.
04:55
I wanna invite you to something, doing a free live workshop every single week. It's live and there's no replay. I'm going to help you figure out why you get stuck here.
05:05
It's worth your time to show up and figure out why this is such an issue for you, especially where it matters so much. So back to Tuesday night.
05:16
I know that you want him to put down the phone on his own. You want to be interesting enough or for him to be interested enough in you and what's going on that he puts it down on its own.
05:27
And that's the real thing. That's why this feels so much bigger than a TV show and why it's so hard to think about saying it out loud.
05:35
Because if you ask for his attention and he gives it grudgingly, you'll feel bad. So you protect yourself from the answer by never asking the question. Here's what you say instead.
05:47
"Hey, I would love to have your attention throughout the TV show tonight. We chose it because it's interesting to us.
05:54
I really wanna be able to talk about the characters and what's going on, and I just wanna feel like we're together watching it. Can you put your phone down tonight?" That's it.
06:05
In the present tense about tonight. You don't have to bring up all the times that this has happened.
06:11
And if you want to own your part, you can say something like, "When you're on your phone during something that we plan to watch together, it hurts. It hurts my feelings.
06:21
I get quiet and I pull away because I don't want you to see that.
06:25
I've been doing that for a long time without telling you why, and I don't wanna do that anymore." That one takes a little more guts, but if it feels like something you can do, what do you have to lose?
06:38
The silence that you are using to protect yourself actually doesn't protect anything. It doesn't protect you, and it doesn't protect your marriage.
06:46
And so why not find out how close you can really be? That's the work. And if you want help knowing what to do next, I will see you at the free workshop this week.
