Episode 170 - The People-Pleasing Conversation I Had With My Teenager
People-pleasing tendencies start much earlier in life than many of us realize, and there comes a point when children need to begin unlearning those behaviors so they don't carry them into adulthood. Inspired by a conversation I recently had with my 16-year-old son, I’m breaking down people-pleasing in a way that teens can understand and showing how the same tools I use with my coaching clients can help younger generations too. Learning to recognize these patterns and find your voice early is such a gift. Whether you're sharing this episode with a teen in your life or using these concepts to help guide and encourage them, I hope this episode gives you both more confidence to start speaking up. Here’s what I cover:
The conversation that inspired this episode and why so many teens struggle to speak up
Why people pleasing begins in childhood as a survival strategy before it starts holding us back
The difference between the discomfort of staying stuck and the discomfort that comes with growth
Why people pleasing can actually damage the relationships you're trying to protect
Three steps to help your teen practice speaking up and build confidence one conversation at a time
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Transcript
00:59
This is going to be a fun episode because it is inspired by a conversation that I had with my son just a couple days ago. And here's how it rolled out, which is actually kind of funny.
01:10
He is in theater at his high school. He is in production, you know, behind the scenes, meaning he's building sets and figuring out where all of the props go. And he is going to be a stage manager for a coming production in the fall.
01:26
And he was talking with a friend of his about some of his worries. The stage manager has to direct a lot of other people to do their jobs and make sure that things are getting finished on a timeline.
01:37
And then he has his own work to do. And so he was talking with her about the difficulty of that role and his worry that people would not like him if he was really firm with them about getting their things done.
01:53
And how in the past, he had noticed that he ended up doing a lot of other people's jobs because he didn't want them to be mad at him. And she said, isn't your mom like a coach for people pleasers? Maybe you should talk to her.
02:08
So so funny, he comes home and says, my friend said I should talk to you. And we both got a good chuckle out of that because, you know, I don't know what he thinks I'm doing yammering away in my office all day, but it was the first time he had come to me directly.
02:24
So I hope this episode serves as two things. Number one, it could be something that you play for a teenager in your life when they are asking some of these same questions or confronting some of these same issues.
02:40
Because right around those, you know, teenage years, I would guess 14, 15, 16-ish, he is 16, they're going to start to notice the discomfort of staying quiet when they have something they'd like to say or doing things that they don't really want to do because they feel obligated.
02:59
They're going to start to notice people pleasing popping up. It's also something that you can listen to as the parent or auntie or friend of a young person to encourage them. Either way, I hope it's useful.
03:13
And what I want to do is start with a little bit of background, actually the same kind of background that I gave him, because it is essential that when you are looking at the discomfort that you are feeling, when you are stuck in people pleasing dynamics, where you are doing things that you don't really want to be doing, where you are staying quiet, when you really don't feel comfortable staying quiet,
03:38
you wish you could say something, but it feels too risky. When you are pretending that you are something that you are not, or performing, like putting on a performance for other people that isn't really you, but it's what you think they want.
03:52
It's really, really, really important that you understand how that happened. So this is exactly what I told him. Remember when you were born? And he's like, well, yeah, kind of. You depended on me completely.
04:05
You depended on your dad and you depended on other big people to take care of you. And so for your survival, it was essential that you figure out what we liked. Now, this wasn't something that we explicitly said or that we explicitly told you and you agreed to, but it's just how being a human works.
04:25
So a baby has no ability to take care of itself. It is completely and utterly dependent on the care and concern of big people. And without care and concern from big people, a baby will die. And so you did a really good job of watching us, of learning what we liked, of listening to us, the rules we gave you, the limits we set, of watching our moods, of watching what we expected from you that we said out loud and what you could tell we expected from you that we didn't say out loud.
05:00
And you did a really good job of learning how to do that. You kept the rules. And in a lot of ways, you did the things that we wanted you to do. And that created this relationship that we have where we gave you care and concern.
05:17
And now you're this 16 year old boy and you have gotten through a really critical part of your survival. Now, we weren't doing that on purpose. We weren't trying to coerce you. We weren't trying to manipulate you.
05:31
It's just that humans have preferences and humans have things the way they like them. And so it's not manipulation or coercion. It is very normal. In fact, this is the way that it goes in family settings is that you have to learn the rules and your role in that family.
05:54
And later you have to unlearn it. And it just seems to be the way it is. I don't know a really good way around it yet because little kids don't have a fully developed brain. They don't fully understand choice and consequence.
06:07
And they have to be given limits and boundaries and structures by adults. And those adults don't always know that what they're doing is programming a child to be a people pleaser. In fact, people pleasing when you are young is fantastic.
06:24
You need to do it. Because again, the more big people who care about you, the more big people who will help you and invest in you ensures your survival. And so it starts with your parents, but then it's your teachers.
06:38
Then it's your coach or religious leaders or other people in your community. And you're trying to do what they want you to do so that you can get better at skills and things. And so that they continue to help you.
06:52
So you did a fantastic job. Now it's time for you to understand that while becoming a people pleaser was inevitable, it's inevitable for all of us. It happens because you are dependent on adults to survive.
07:09
And now you're not at the place where you're completely independent, but you have a lot more ability to take care of yourself and a lot more ability to handle things that happen. It's time now to unlearn some of the people pleasing that now doesn't work for you anymore.
07:30
So it's totally normal. This makes sense. That was the first thing I wanted him to understand. I don't want him to think there's anything wrong with him. The fact that he can't set boundaries or doesn't know how to speak up perfectly yet, it's totally normal, right?
07:43
And at his phase of adolescence, it's where friendships matter a lot, where belonging matters a lot. And so this is totally appropriate and normal for him. The second thing I wanted him to understand is the difference in the types of discomfort that he is feeling here.
08:04
So I said, you'll notice that there's actually two different kinds of feeling uncomfortable that are coming up for you. There is the discomfort of doing other people's jobs for them, of not saying anything about what they're supposed to be doing and just kind of doing it for them.
08:24
Tell me a little bit more about that discomfort. And he said, well, you know, it means I have less time for my own work. It means that I end up staying late. It means that I get frustrated with other people.
08:35
It means that I end up feeling kind of alone, like no one's really helping me. I mean, this feels so familiar, right? And I said, okay, so yeah, that is one kind of discomfort that we're going to talk about here.
08:48
The second kind is the discomfort of possibly saying something. The discomfort of speaking up and saying, you know, so and so, that's your job to do and it needs to be done by this time. Tell me how you feel when you think about just being very clear, but kind, respectful, and saying that's your job and it needs to be done.
09:10
And he kind of got that, you know, cringy face feeling and kind of scrunched up his shoulders. He's like, I don't know, I just feel really anxious. Like they're not going to like me. They're going to be mad at me.
09:20
And I said, yes. That discomfort is very normal because we want to belong. We want to have friends. And so anytime we're going to do something that could possibly threaten our connection and our belonging, there's parts of us that speak up to say, hey, don't do that.
09:38
That's going to be terrible. They're not going to like it. They're going to be mad at you. Because those are the parts that were programmed when you were little to help you win the care of more capable, competent adults.
09:52
But remember, you're not there anymore. And it's time, if you want, to develop some skills that are really going to serve you. So going back to these two discomforts, there's the discomfort of staying the same.
10:07
He's actually already been through a theater season where he did just the thing that he was describing to me, where he does everybody else's job and ends up not having enough time for his own. And so he's stressed and staying late.
10:20
I said, that discomfort, you know, well. It's something that you've already done. It's something that is very familiar to you. And in a lot of ways, that's why we keep doing it. It's because we already know it.
10:31
We're familiar with it. What we're less familiar with is the discomfort of growing, the discomfort of developing a new skill. We talked about those two discomforts, and he got that. So if you're a parent talking with your own child, helping them understand they're feeling the same thing.
10:50
There is the discomfort of staying the same, the people pleasing pattern, the discomfort of codependency, of shrinking, of making ourselves smaller, not speaking up. And there's the discomfort of saying something, of speaking up, of setting a boundary.
11:08
The third thing I wanted him to understand was that there is a personal cost to him. And he isn't actually protecting the relationships in the way that he thinks he is when he doesn't speak up about what he wants and needs.
11:29
This is how I said it to him. I want you to just take me back to the last time that you did this. And he went through, you know, some scenario where something had to get done. He felt like they were going to get mad if he pushed them doing it.
11:44
And so he just did it. And I said, tell me a little bit about what was going on inside of you. He said, well, I was really frustrated. I had asked them before and I thought that was going to be enough, but then they didn't do it.
11:56
And so I was frustrated. I didn't have enough time to get my job done and their job done. So I ended up getting behind on my own work. And I said, okay, how are you feeling? And what we landed on is that he was feeling really frustrated and resentful that they would not just do their jobs.
12:18
And I said, yeah, I know how that feels. Wink, wink. So the resentment, I said, when you feel resentment, that is part of the personal cost to you. That feeling of resentment, the extra time that you now have to take to do your own job because you used all of your time doing their job, the working late, the feeling frustrated.
12:42
That is what this is costing you. Now, the second part, how it's not really protecting the relationships, I asked, what do you do when you are feeling resentment and frustration with your friends? And he said, you know, I withdraw.
12:58
I don't talk to them. I don't really feel like hanging out. And I'm just kind of bugged quietly. And I said, so that is really important to pay attention to, because what you said is that you're doing their work because you're afraid that they won't like you and you're trying to protect the relationship that you have, right?
13:19
I said, yes. I said, but what is actually happening is the resentment and the frustration and the loneliness that you feel makes you withdraw, makes your friendship not as strong, not as connected, and not as honest.
13:40
And that was a light bulb moment because I know that a lot of us fall into this trap. We think that by not saying anything, we are protecting the relationship. But then we feel anxious and frustrated and resentful and alone.
13:55
And we want to be supported the same way that we are showing up to support other people. And it's actually damaging the relationship from the inside. So once he understood those three things, number one, that where he is is totally normal.
14:13
Number two, that there are two different types of discomfort. And number three, that there is a personal cost to you and to the relationships that you're trying to protect. Then he said the magic question, which is, so what do I do about it?
14:32
I took him through the exact same three steps that I teach clients, that I'm teaching in my free workshop, speak up, that have to happen for you to be able to have a hard conversation. First of all, you have to know what you want.
14:50
What do you want? And he said, I want them to do their jobs. Okay, so you're clear on that. Number two, you have to use the power of mental rehearsal to practice saying it in your imagination. And so we walked through creating a little movie.
15:07
Where are you when you are telling them that it's time for them to do their jobs or however it works as a stage manager? And we walked through that. I said, you'll notice as you imagine saying it, you're going to feel that discomfort of growth come up in your body.
15:24
And here's how you take care of that. You put your hands on your chest or you squeeze your own hand and you say, and we came up with a couple of phrases for him that felt really good. Like number one, you're learning new skills.
15:37
You're doing a great job. I'm right here with you. I'm taking care of you. I know this is stressful. You're doing a great job. And then step number three, you say it, you speak up. And if it feels too much to speak up in the particular situation with your friends, then you practice it somewhere small.
15:59
And so we came up with a couple of places that don't feel as high stakes as the situation with his theater friends that he could just begin to lean into this discomfort of growth. It was such a fascinating conversation because his young brain is just at the beginning of being able to see, oh, okay, so these patterns that I have don't really serve me in this particular situation.
16:31
And getting to walk him through the same steps that I'm teaching my clients who that's what we're realizing as well, right? Like these people pleasing patterns, this way that I am codependent isn't helping.
16:43
It's actually hurting the relationships that I want to be connected and alive and reciprocal and really, really rich. It was the same thing. And so if you have a kid who is in this same place, they're beginning to recognize in friend groups, in personal relationships, or at work, in other places that they want to be able to speak up, either share this episode with them or help them understand those first three things that I explained and then the three steps that they can start practicing to have any conversation that they need to have.
17:25
It's so inspiring to do this work with kids because they see it differently. They haven't been in it for long enough. It felt really doable for him. So I hope this episode helps you have conversations with your teenagers or with other people you know about how they can speak up too.
17:44
And speak up free workshop where I teach those three steps is happening for free every single week. I'd love to see you. Use the link in either the show notes or in my Instagram bio to find a time and I'll see you there.
