Episode 155 - The Powerful Combination of Choice and Voice Re-Release
To what degree do you feel capable of saying what you want to say in your life and in your relationships? In this episode, I’m revisiting one of my favorite episodes about the powerful combination of choice and voice. A revolution happens when women say what they want to say. When you can express how you really feel, it becomes easier to stand up for yourself and set expectations. Your relationships shift, your choices become clearer, and you stop performing and start actually living. Here’s what I cover:
One of the key skills I teach my clients: how to articulate themselves during difficult conversations
How reconnecting to your own wants and needs is a process that takes time
Why we are capable of updating the relationships in our lives to match our current wants and needs
Why authenticity removes the pressure to perform in order to feel accepted
How learning to handle the stress of advocating for yourself leads to deeper integrity and lasting comfort
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Transcript
00:59
All right, let's jump in. This topic of saying what you want to say has been on my mind almost constantly for the last couple months. This last Monday, I hosted a free coaching session to teach women my process for getting to the right words to say what you want to say, and then for feeling the stressful, yucky feelings that come up when you do.
01:29
It was amazing. I'm going to be doing it again. So watch for the next date to be announced or you can check the link in my bio once I settle that and I'll put it there. But what is just being confirmed to me over and over and over again is that there is a revolution that happens in the lives of women when they can say what they want to say.
01:53
And I choose those words very, very carefully. It felt revolutionary for me. And then as I have developed this process and tested it with clients and in different situations, it just keeps proving true to me that when we experience the ability to say exactly what we want to say, it opens up an amazing opportunity.
02:21
So I want to talk about it again from a little bit of a different vantage point so that I can encourage you to look at your own life and ask yourself this question. To what degree do I feel capable of saying what I want to say in my own life and in each relationship that I have?
02:43
You know, if I have a romantic partnership, if I have child relationships, if I have work relationships, friend relationships, parent, sister, any kind of relationships that we have, I want you to think through each of them and just ask yourself, to what degree do I feel capable of saying what I want to say, which is an accurate representation of who I am and what I think?
03:11
Because that's really important to know. We're going to back out. We're going to zoom out. Back up, zoom out for just a second. What we feel allowed to say is a conglomeration of all of the rules that we were taught about the different groups in which we grew up.
03:34
So your family had rules about what you were allowed to say. I remember very distinctly telling my own children that they were not allowed to tell each other to shut up. It just felt so mean. I didn't want them to do that to each other.
03:47
So that was like one of our family rules. And there are rules about what you can and cannot say in religious organizations, community organizations, political organizations where you work. And in the beginning, when we are learning all of these rules as infants, before we can really understand language, what we are programmed biologically to be very keyed into are facial expressions and the results of what we do and what we say.
04:20
And so from infancy, we're gathering all of these rules and clues about what is allowable. And there's a very good reason for that. We have to have big people to take care of us until we're pretty old.
04:34
Like think about the average age at which someone might be fully capable of meeting all of their needs. And it's not until 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, you know, sometimes older. And so it is for very good reasons that we are so attuned to what it means to be in a group and needing to stay in the group and the fear or the danger signals that come up whenever we think about saying something that might challenge what we're allowed to say in the group.
05:06
All of that is very good and very right. And we are right to people please when we are young because it's how we get our needs met, which include loving, connected, bonds, friendship, belonging. All of that is necessary.
05:21
The issue becomes that we don't update our software, you know, that's always kind of running in the background telling us what we can and cannot do when we become adults who are capable of meeting a lot of those own needs ourselves and we're develop, we're able to develop and create love and safety outside of the group, sometimes for ourself or in other relationships that we seek.
05:47
And so this podcast episode is an attempt to give you some good reasons for updating that software. And what I mean by updating the software is, what am I capable of doing today? How am I capable of taking care of myself in stressful situations where I stand up for myself, where I say what I want to say, that I wasn't capable of doing earlier for whatever reasons, maybe in a previous marriage or previous relationship or previous workplace or in a previous situation.
06:18
How am I different now? And what are the benefits of updating that software? So here is the premise that I want to work with. I think the whole world suffers when women are not able to say what they want to say.
06:39
Now, bold premise, maybe, but here's why I think it's true. When women are not able to say what they want to say, they are cut off from their own wanting. They have to constantly push down or subjugate their own wanting to the needs of others.
07:00
And sometimes that's important. But the problem is, is that when women grow up with their wanting always coming in second place to everybody else's, they never fully connect to who they are and what they want.
07:17
And that means that they are not able to fully choose what they're doing, even if it's not something they enjoy. Let me give you an example. So early in my marriage, we didn't ever really talk about gender roles because they were just already spelled out for us.
07:38
I was going to be home with the kids taking care of the house, and my husband was going to be working and, you know, earning money. We never talked about it. And it was always just such a given in my mind that the needs of the kids, the needs of the house, the needs of the husband, the needs of, you know, taking care of the children were always more important than my own.
08:03
And I mean, I'm pausing because I'm even thinking it through again right now. Because I was not able to fully choose being home with kids because it was just handed to me as the rule. There were parts of that job that I hated.
08:26
There were parts of that job that just created a lot of resentment and irritation. And I just constantly had to shove that down because I didn't have another choice. I felt like I had no choice. So would I have chosen that job?
08:50
I mean, now maybe not, but let's just imagine that I had had the chance to sit down and to fully think through, okay, do I want to have children? If so, how many? Do I want to be home with them full-time?
09:06
Do I want to work part-time? How do we want the household to run? Who do we want to be taking care of household things? Do I want it to be 100% me? Do I want, and by the way, it wasn't always 100% me.
09:19
My husband was very helpful. So if he's listening to this, honey, I love you and I know you helped. But the point is, without fully choosing it, there were always parts of it that were really, really hard for me.
09:34
And I was never able to come up with valid reasons why I wanted to do it. Once we were in it and had five kids, I was like, well, we have five kids now. So this, that, that train has left the station and now I just have to keep doing these things.
09:50
Now, I love my kids. I love being home with them. All that's a given. But there is something essential that happens when a woman is present enough with her wanting to choose something, even if the task is not enjoyable.
10:06
So changing diapers. Didn't love it. Now, I chose to have my children, so it made the diaper part of it okay. Again, even if it's not enjoyable, if I can find a reason that I like for doing it, then it becomes a task that has less chance of creating resentment.
10:30
So the very first thing I want you to consider is when women are able to fully choose what they're doing, even when it's not enjoyable, it changes. And the only way we can fully choose is being connected to our wanting.
10:46
And the only way we can be fully connected to our wanting is if we feel free to say what we really want to say. So when we're not connected to our wanting and we kind of we are cut off from our choice, we have to expend extra energy pretending and performing.
11:09
So I would go to my church group, the women's group meeting, where everybody was talking about how much they loved motherhood and how beautiful it was to be a mother. And yes, some parts of it certainly were.
11:24
But I remember like putting a smile on my face and pretending and performing like, oh my gosh, I love this so much too. And being extra aware of the fact that I was choosing my words carefully. I was trying to silver line things.
11:43
I was trying to put lipstick on a pig, however you want to say that, because some aspects of it, I really just didn't enjoy, but I didn't feel free to say that. I felt like it meant something about me as a mom, or I would be judged.
11:57
So for me, that happened a lot at church and in friend groups because of the type of rules around enjoying motherhood and that being a sign that I was a good, faithful woman. But for you, it might be somewhere else.
12:11
Like, what are you not allowed to say at work? What are you not allowed to say in your relationship? Where do you have to pretend and perform or hide parts of yourself or suppress part of your opinion?
12:24
And that's what I want you to think about. Because what happens is that no one is getting when we're not able to say what we want to say, no one is getting the real honest versions of us. And so I'm pretending and performing, and then you're looking at my pretend performance and you're thinking things about me.
12:46
And I remember when I finally got to the point where I could be a little more honest about how hard it was, about how tired I was. And I would say something to kind of express that. And I would have women come up to me and say, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you said that.
13:05
I'm tired too. This is really hard for me too. I don't know what I'm doing too. But until I felt some liberty to be honest, everybody was just looking at this pretend version of me. And we are looking at so many pretend versions of women who are performing to meet whatever standards they think other people want, and they're not able to talk about what's really going on.
13:33
And so not only is no one getting the honest version, but then that's what your relationship is based on. It's based on this pretend performances. Everybody pretends and performs. Now, in relationships, we're always discovering more about ourselves, right?
13:49
So I'm not saying that at any one point you become the 100% real, authentic version of yourself. I don't think it works that way. But we miss out on the satisfaction of being in relationships that are as real as possible for the moment.
14:09
And we miss out on the juice, the juice that's worth the squeeze of really doing what lights us up because so much of our time is spent pretending and performing. We end up giving so much of our time and energy and effort to things that we aren't fully choosing or choosing for reasons that we really like and spending more energy because we are repressing or suppressing or hiding our true feelings about it.
14:46
It kind of reminds me of that t-shirt you see. I'm sorry, I'm late. I didn't want to be here, right? So not only is there, are we late because we didn't want to be there, but then we have to pretend and perform that we're happy to be there.
15:00
So here's what I think the goal is. The goal is to know and like your reasons for doing whatever you're doing, even if it's not enjoyable, and to be able to say what those reasons are, to say what is important to you, to offer your opinion.
15:21
When we're agreeing to things that we haven't fully chosen for ourselves, it binds us and it limits us because it cuts us off from the true power of our choice. I choose to be here. I choose to be invested in this.
15:39
I choose to give my time and my energy and my resources to this, even if it's not enjoyable, because I know my reasons for doing it and I like my reasons for doing it. And then once we know what we want, we choose it for reasons that we like and then we can express it.
16:00
So the powerful combination of a choice and then having a voice is what I think is so powerful. Now, as I began to figure out more about myself in my romantic relationship with my husband, let's just go with that one because I think it's a good one.
16:25
You are always discovering more about yourself. And one of the biggest benefits of a relationship, especially like a primary romantic relationship, it's where we get so many of our needs met. Our need for safety, our need for connection, our need for communication and validation, and to have someone else who is that place for us, that soft landing, who knows us and loves us and protects us.
16:57
I talk to so many women whose relationships are mostly working. They're mostly happy. They're mostly okay. And it kind of gets worse from there. And when we dig into why it's not a fully satisfying romantic relationship, it is because usually the woman feels like she is not able to rewrite the rules, right?
17:29
Like when I married my husband, I was a very different person. We will have been married for 25 years next year. We celebrated 24 this year, bonkers. And I was a very, very different person. And for so many years, the fact that I didn't feel like I could update our agreement, right?
17:48
Because our agreement was I'm going to stay home with kids and you work. There was this undercurrent of resentment that was running almost all the time because I did not like taking care of the house.
18:01
I did not like it that I was fully in charge of cooking and shopping and cleaning up. And again, remember, he did help. So, but it was always like helping me, right? This is your job, Sarah, and I'm helping you with it.
18:16
When that's not, it's not really what I wanted. I didn't really have a good example of what I wanted, which was, you know, true mutual partnership. But once I began to see that that's what I wanted, I didn't feel like I could ask for it because the roles were defined and we had already agreed to them, right?
18:40
So so many of us find ourselves in relationships that mostly work because we are mostly able to say what we want to say. But there's always some areas, whether it's in financial areas of the relationship, sexual areas of the relationship, communicative or emotional relationships of areas of the relationship.
19:03
There's always this part where it just doesn't quite work. So you have to shove down those emotions or hide them or suppress them, or we end up eating or shopping. There's so many different ways in which we have to deal with the negative implications of not being able to do what we want to do and say what we want to say.
19:27
It's astounding. Think about how often you are frustrated by not able by being by not feeling like you are able to stand up for yourself, share an opinion, ask for something, create an expectation around a need or a request, and how often you have to mask that with food, with scrolling, with shopping, with going and talking to someone else outside your relationship, like a friend or someone else,
20:02
editing. All of that just takes more energy. No wonder we're so fucking tired, right? Every woman I talk to is so tired. So as our relationship progressed and I developed the ability to say what I wanted to say, it was disruptive.
20:27
And sometimes we're in a partnership where we can say what we want to say and the person responds in a loving, open way, even though they don't understand it and they're willing to work with us. And that's how relationships progress to the next iteration, right?
20:44
Where both people make sacrifices to understand each other, where they're coming from, what they want, and to give it to the other person. And that's how relationships progress. This is one big update to the software that we need to make.
21:02
Women, we are capable of updating our relationships to match our current wants and needs. But to do that, we have to learn to say what we want to say. Second big update. If I want to update my relationship, if I want to get to the next iteration where we are both able to say what we want to say and give that to each other and come into these new versions together.
21:30
If we're not able to do that together, I'm able to go find a relationship where I can do that. If I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't want me to say what I want to say and get more of what I want, I'm able to go find relationships where I can be that.
21:49
Sometimes that means a divorce or separation. Sometimes that doesn't mean a divorce. It just means understanding the limits of this particular relationship and making your peace with it, if that's what you want to do.
22:03
And then going to find other relationships where you can show up as fully you. There isn't a right or wrong here. But what that allows you to do is have places where you can fully show up and fully be seen.
22:18
And you are no longer expending that extra effort to shove down your emotions, to have your life full of things that you aren't consciously choosing, to edit and to hide, and where you're not able to connect to your own wants and needs, because other peoples are always in the way and they will not let you become the new person that you want to be.
22:45
Their limitations become your limitations. There are so many benefits to updating our software about what we are allowed to say or not. The connection to themselves that the women have who go through this process is incredible.
23:10
Their ability to connect to what they want and to own it and to find a way to say it that honors the relationships that they're in and themselves is such a beautiful and possible thing. One of the biggest benefits that I found is that I get to be the same person everywhere I am.
23:35
I did so much pretending I was one person at church and I was one person at home and I was different person with my friends and a different person with my family and a different, you know, different versions that I thought were acceptable.
23:50
Takes a lot of energy to do that. And once I felt confident that I could say what needed to be said and that I could handle the stress of saying it and that my relationships would either come with me or not and that I could handle either outcome.
24:10
There's a tremendous sense of self-connection and unity and integrity that comes from I'm just the same person everywhere. What you see is what you get. And the way that I listen to myself and the way that I treat myself and my own wants becomes the standard that I want in my relationships.
24:35
So all of my relationships currently are ones in which I am able to be seen completely. And that doesn't mean, and I'll say this, that doesn't mean that I tell everyone everything, but the extent to which I feel comfortable sharing, that is seen and honored.
24:59
And relationships deepen. Vulnerability is available. Openness. And I mean, the word that's coming up is it just feels congruous. It's everything is congruent. And that feels really, really good. Doing this work has also helped me to really decide when I want to give my time and energy and effort to something, it's because I like my reasons for doing it.
25:32
And when I don't, it's because I like my reasons for doing it. And so it totally still happens. Like by no means am I hoping that you understand that this is like a skill in which I have perfection, not at all.
25:47
But it is a skill saying what I want to say and liking my reasons for giving my time and energy to things has produced a life where I just don't do a lot of things that I don't really want to do for reasons that I like.
26:04
When I talk to women who are tired, one of the primary reasons is because their life is full of things that they have not consciously chosen for reasons that they really like. And you can never rest enough from a life that is too full of things that you don't really want to be doing.
26:30
I want to say that again because it was really powerful for me to understand that. I was constantly thinking, gosh, I just need a break. I would go to bed at night thinking about all the things I had gotten done that day.
26:41
And I would get up the next day and just do it again and do it again. And I would just be thinking, gosh, I just, I just need a break. But you cannot, you can't take enough breaks from a life that is so full of things that you're not consciously choosing and don't really want to be doing.
27:01
And saying what you want to say allows you to see with clarity what you do want to do and what you don't want to do. This is going to be something that I continue to explore in my coaching and in podcasting and in the workshops that I'm going to be offered because I really feel like it is at the heart of the big changes that so many women want to make, but they don't know where to start.
27:34
I think saying what you want to say is so powerful because all the time that is now going to pretending and suppressing and performing and making up stories that aren't totally true, disconnection from our wants, all of that time comes back to you now.
27:58
You don't have to do it anymore. And so now you have all that time to do something else with. If this podcast episode has meant a lot to you, I really would love it if you would share your thoughts with me.
28:13
I get DMs every week about people's reactions and I respond. And I love that because it continues to inform me about how this is landing for you. It continues to inform the way I teach about it. And then the other thing I want you to do is just watch my social media and get on my email list because that's where I announce all of the upcoming workshops.
28:38
And we're going to be doing a lot of this because I imagine like millions of women who feel capable of saying what they want to say and then dealing with the discomfort and the yuckiness that comes from saying that because that is real as well and very normal.
28:57
But millions of women who feel empowered to say what they want to say. And I think the way that that will change their relationships and all of those relationships influence other relationships, I feel like the ripple effect, it's, I mean, can you imagine it?
29:17
Can you imagine just for yourself being able to show up anywhere and in a way that is congruent with your values and how you want to be in the world, your desire to be kind and respectful, your desire to be blunt and clear, saying that.
29:36
And what a tremendous effect that would have on you, on your relationships, and on the world. And that, that's the work I'm committed to doing. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you next week.
