Episode 144 - Best Of: Too Much and Not Enough
This week, I’m bringing back one of the most meaningful and widely listened-to episodes of the podcast. The patriarchal, capitalist, Western way of life imposes certain values and expectations on the way women think, feel, and choose to live. When we fail to meet these expectations, we can often feel lackluster or unsatisfied. Even if we do attain these expectations, there is always another critique looming about the deficit in our lives. In this episode, we will discuss how perfectionism is a manifestation of these societal pressures, and explore ways to shift our mindset to focus on being better, rather than perfect. Here’s what I cover:
The importance of celebrating our daily small wins rather than fixating on what we could do better
How the word “better” becomes an invisible authority that keeps women stuck and self-doubting
Why women are taught not to let emotional labor, grief, or inner work count as real success
How it's possible to feel accomplished in this society by doing things that bring us joy and make us feel whole
A simple practice for letting accomplishments land in the body instead of dismissing them
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Transcript
00:58
Okay, I'm trying something today. This is going to be a walking podcast. Don't even know which number it is. I'll figure that out later. But I sometimes forget that I have been raised in a patriarchal Western capitalist society that has placed its values on me and its expectations on me.
01:28
And because I've just lived with them for so long, I mean, I'll be 50 this year, 2023. I have, let's say that, you know, my awareness came online around two or three. It's like 47 years of living with the expectations of a woman in a patriarchal capitalist Western model way of life.
01:55
And one of the things that is the most invisible to women is the expectations that have been put on them. There's always these expectations and funny enough, we never meet them. You should just be a little bit skinnier, a little bit prettier.
02:18
You should work a little harder. You should help a few more people. You should be a little more efficient. You should be a little bit smarter. You should use your time a little more wisely. You should be a little more productive or a lot, right?
02:35
So little and a lot. It doesn't really matter. The point is, there are these expectations that we kind of carry around with us. They're invisible, but they're the context in which we live so much of our lives.
02:52
And for a lot of us, this shows up as perfect. Like I need to be perfect. My experience isn't necessarily with the word perfect, but it's with the word better. You should be better. And better is this kind of hazy, really undefined thing.
03:12
Like when I ask myself, well, okay, what would better look like? A lot of times I don't have a very specific answer for what better would look like, but it's just this constant companion looming with this kind of authority in my life.
03:34
And I catch it sometimes, other times I don't. And what precipitated this whole podcast and episode and this thinking is whenever I go to post something online, I'm aware that it is going to be looked at by people I don't know, maybe people who know more than me, maybe people who are just writing right.
03:58
Like I know people are going to look at it. And I always think, you know what? I'll post this idea or this thought or this experience. I'll post it when it's better. I just need to make it better, just a little bit better.
04:16
And again, better doesn't have like a real specific definition, but sometimes I think, you know, I just need to sit on this for a little while. I just need to make sure that it's really right so that nobody disagrees with me.
04:33
Nobody thinks I'm wrong. Nobody challenges me. Nobody has a problem with what I said. Like there's some place where we can reach as women, either in our posts or in our bodies, in the way we mother, in the way we work, in the way we partner, that will be unassailable, unimpeachable, where we will finally be right.
05:03
And so a lot of us, me included, this is a podcast about me. This is a podcast about my brain. Because my brain is the same as yours. If you're also a woman who has been raised in a patriarchal Western capitalist society, there's this constant expectation that something should be more.
05:28
More than what we have. Bigger, better, skinnier, lesser, you know, whatever the words are. We're not meeting the expectation. And so what ends up happening is we don't do anything. We don't post. We don't show up.
05:44
We don't take up space. We don't say what's on our mind. We don't. We don't live into us. We don't live into what lights us up. We don't have the experience of feeling satisfied. Satisfaction. It's so elusive for women because we live in that space of expectations that we're never going to reach.
06:24
And let's say for some reason we are able to attain the whatever perfect body. There's always somewhere else where we should be trying harder. Okay, fine. You now work out the perfect amount for a woman to work out.
06:42
What about your finances? What about your intelligence? What about your mothering or partnering or whatever skills? There's this constant deficit that we carry around. So here's what I want you to do.
06:59
This will not be hard at all. I want you to think right now of five things that you could be doing more of, that you could be doing better. It's like they don't even, they're right there. For me, I could be healthier.
07:17
I could stop eating sugar. I, because that's bad, right? I don't really think sugar is bad, by the way. I could be working out more consistently. I could be reading better books. I could stop watching, you know, so much TV at night.
07:34
I could be running my business in a better way. I could be keep, oh, definitely keeping like better track of my finances. See, there's like, I don't even count. What's that? 10? Every single one of us always has that list pretty much at our fingertips.
07:52
Okay, now we're going to try the opposite. I want you to tell me, think about it right now, about 10 things. It's not going to do 10. That's too many. Let's do five things that you are doing really, really well.
08:11
Can you think of five things? I'm going to try it. Okay. I'm doing really well keeping my commitment to myself about my Pilates class that I signed up for. I've gone once, but I'm going to count it, right?
08:28
Because again, when you never are allowed to meet the standard, going one time to a Pilates class doesn't count. You have to go, you have to go, I don't know how many times would I have to go for it to really count as like success.
08:44
And then my brain says 10, right? So after 10 times, I would get to count it as success. And what I'm saying right now is, no, I've gone once and that counts a success. Okay, so that's one thing I'm doing well.
08:59
Doing a really good job walking my dog. I'm out on a walk right now. Okay, I'm doing really good sitting with some sadness and grief that is related to some events. My grandma passed away, father-in-law passed away, both in the month of December.
09:18
And even when I said that, I just get this grief that comes up. But I'm really good at just allowing it to be there. I don't have to fix it. I'm really good at understanding that that grief is because I loved him so much.
09:45
So much better at sitting with uncomfortable feelings. I've also been really good at working out some complicated feelings in a friendship that's really important to me lately. Okay, it's taking my brain so much more time to come up with what I'm good at.
10:11
And when I asked my brain what I need to be better at, it was right there. If your brain did the same, welcome to brains, women's brains, in Western patriarchal capitalist societies. Something wrong with you.
10:28
It's we have just been overly focused on where we should get better. And the rewards for getting close to the expectations of capitalist Western patriarchal societies are big. I mean, have you ever lost weight and people just compliment you up one side and down the other?
10:53
Of course, it's a physical outside thing that they can see. But also, do they congratulate you? Or do you congratulate yourself? That's a better question. When you do something hard, like sit with your negative emotions.
11:09
We don't let that count. So on the one hand, there's these standards that we never meet. And then when we make a little progress in the direction of either meeting a standard that we choose on purpose or that is important to us or that for whatever reasons we just decide we want to meet, we don't let it count.
11:34
Like my one Pilates class. It only counts after 10 classes. So think right now, where is an area of your life that you can let it count? That you can let whatever small, even as I say that, it's so shitty to diminish whatever movement you have made, even if you think it's small.
12:06
I don't think one Pilates class is small, but I think there are people out there who would. Where can I let my movement in a direction that I choose for myself count? Okay, do you have something? Because here's what I want you to do.
12:26
I want you to think about that thing that you have done. I'm going to think about my one Pilates class. It felt so good to go. It was hard. I've never done Pilates before. But I did it. And when I left, I felt like the fucking queen of the universe.
12:50
One glass. All right. So when you think about the one thing that you have done, how do you feel about it? And if you feel any hesitation to let it, to diminish it, go on, sign, or to not let it count.
13:15
Here's what I want you to do. Set that feeling aside and say, okay, I understand that my brain is programmed to not let this count. But that's not what we're doing right now. What we're doing right now is finding that feeling when I did the thing that I wanted, no matter how big or how small.
13:36
And I'm finding that. And so for me, queen of the universe feeling, it's, oh, it's in my chest. That's where I feel a lot of things. I think that's very common. And it just feels light. My shoulders kind of sink back a little bit.
13:53
My head, my chin raises a little open and light. Okay, are you finding that feeling? For me, that feeling right now on a scale of one to ten, it's about a two. So rate your feeling as well. It's not very big.
14:12
But what I'm going to do is I'm going to take breaths and I'm going to pretend like that feeling is like a balloon in my chest. And with my focus and my concentration, I can actually turn that feeling up.
14:27
I can make it bigger. So take some breaths with me. Find that feeling of accomplishment or success or confidence or whatever it is that's in your chest and blow on the out-breath or the in-breath, whatever feels better.
14:50
Expand it. Think about it getting bigger. Think about it getting more intense and using the power of your brain to focus and pay attention, to expand that feeling wherever it is in your body, and to really soak it in, to really let it count.
15:19
Because that is the thief. Better is the thief. It's the thief of this feeling. It's the thief of feeling like your accomplishments count and matter. And what happens when we don't let our feelings, excuse me, our accomplishments count and matter is that life is far less satisfying, far less joyful, far less of something that gets us out of bed in the morning.
16:00
Because when we have, when one Pilates class doesn't count and only 10 Pilates classes count, that means I can't celebrate, I can't own it, I can't brag about it, I can't really live into the person who goes, being the person who goes to Pilates.
16:21
I can't live into that until I'm at 10. And what happens if I don't get to 10? Then all of it was for nothing. It was never who I was. I don't get to feel success. And then we just end up shitting all over ourselves in this way that is so painful.
16:42
So I like New Year's. I like New Year's resolutions. I like the opportunity to recenter myself. You know, I think you can really do it anytime. I think there's nothing magical about January, but I do think it's a time of year when a lot of us do it.
17:04
So here is my New Year's resolution. I'm just going to let things count. If it's one Pilates class, if it's sitting with negative emotions for five minutes, two minutes, one minute, if it's increased awareness of the way I'm talking to myself or the way that I am or the way that I am envisioning myself as a woman, as a contributor.
17:43
I'm going to watch out for that word better because right now, in this moment, what I have to say is perfect. Who I am is perfect. What I do with my time is perfect. It's good. I am good. And if I want to make some changes, great.
18:11
If I'd like to watch a little less TV at night, fine. But it's not so I can be better. It's because I just have something else I want to do with that time. And so I offer this New Year's resolution to you.
18:28
What can you let count more? How can you take the small wins and steps in the direction of your choosing that you are taking? How can you let it count? Because that is where the juicy satisfaction is.
18:47
Let me know. Comments, emails, DMs, because I'd really love to cheer you on.
