Episode 137 - Why Are We Trying To Make It Look Easy?
On the surface, high-achieving people-pleasers are admired by everyone. We seem to have it all together—never complaining about our workload and always showing up prepared and polished. But the effort to make everything look easy, even when we’re struggling, comes at a huge cost. In this episode, I discuss why we do this and how to start releasing ourselves from the constant performance so we can feel supported, helped, and loved, rather than staying trapped in a cycle of loneliness and resentment. Here’s what I cover:
Examples that highlight how high-achievers hide their struggles
The underlying beliefs that drive this behavior and where they come from
Why your body eventually refuses to keep up the performance
The red flags that signal when you’ve become trapped in trying to make things look easy
What it takes to begin unraveling this pattern and show up with authenticity instead
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Transcript
00:58
Recently, I've started working out with my husband. And as I have spent the last, you know, month and a half or so doing that, I've noticed something that I thought at first was really funny.
01:10
But as I noticed the pattern more and really thought about what I was doing, it brought something up that I want to talk about with you. And it is how high achieving women, and especially high achieving people pleasers, hide the struggle.
01:28
We hide what we need help with. We hide the effort that something takes because we are so attached to being seen as highly capable, highly able to produce, and not needing any help. If you can identify with that, then let's talk about it.
01:46
Let's talk about why we do it and how we might begin to kind of extricate ourselves from the constant performance that we are doing so that we can feel supported and helped and loved, just like we support and love and help the people around us.
02:03
Because if there's one thing that my clients report over and over and over, it's a feeling of loneliness and resentment. Loneliness because nobody knows them. Nobody knows how much they're really struggling and what's really going on for them.
02:18
And resentment because they're not supported the same way that they support other people. So getting back to the gym, I would just notice that we were both exercising and he was grunting and grimacing and really letting the strain of what we were doing show on his face.
02:37
And I was trying really hard to appear very composed, very calm, like, yeah, I mean, this was a little bit hard, but I could totally manage it. And I'm just laughing about it because exercise is supposed to be hard.
02:53
It really was hard, but the amount of like deep breathing that I was doing, holding my face, you know, very neutrally, it just points to the work that I am still doing to undo this dynamic in me because it very much describes how I wanted and honestly sometimes still want to be perceived.
03:15
You know, I want the effort to look effortless and the need for help. I want it to be really minimal and not really show. And there's a real hidden cost to that. There's a real cost to making everything look easy.
03:29
It teaches the people around you something, right? There's a cost to them. There's a cost to you. And there are some beliefs underneath it that kind of keep all of us trapped in the performance of this.
03:42
So let's get into it. So on the surface, this high achieving people pleaser is someone that everyone admires, right? She's the one who has it together. And if she ever talks about her workload, it's not to complain.
03:58
It might be to acknowledge that it's a lot, but it is never to be vulnerable about how it feels to do and carry so much. The high-achieving people pleaser's job is to make complex things look very simple, hard things look very easy, and to always show up prepared and polished.
04:18
And as I look at my own behavior kind of in this mindset and the behavior that my clients have brought into our coaching sessions, it looks very different right behind that polished exterior. I had a client who was working 60 hour weeks, but only billing for 40 because she didn't want anybody to think that she was slow or not capable.
04:42
I have other clients who redo work that is already good enough because she's terrified that somebody will find a flaw or somebody will find something wrong. Lots of clients saying yes to one more project while mentally calculating, right?
04:58
How much can I, can I survive on four hours of sleep? I'm getting five now. Can I give up a little bit more? Where work or the job really begins to encroach on the weekend, their health, their sleep time, their family time.
05:13
And when I think about the emotions that they're feeling, it's a lot of overwhelm. It's a lot of resentment. It's a lot of loneliness and a lot of sadness that they don't feel like they can be honest about the load they are carrying, about the plates that they keep spinning, because somebody will think less of them if they do, right?
05:36
This type of person is working incredibly hard to make everything look easy. And the performance isn't about just doing the work, right? It's not just about getting the work done. It's about hiding the fact that the work is hard, that the work is demanding, that the work, you know, takes something from her.
05:57
Because if people see the effort, what she thinks they will see is weakness. That's the really important part to kind of hone in on if you are identifying with this. If people know how hard something is for you or how you struggle with it or the demand that it places on your energy or resources, what does that mean about you?
06:23
Because if that means, right, if people see all the effort, it means that they're going to think I'm weak, then what? Are they going to think I'm not as capable? And then do I need them to believe that I am capable at this certain level so that they like me, so that they stay with me, so that they talk about me as someone capable?
06:44
Yeah, there's a lot wrapped up in this. So I want you to just get out your mental bingo cards. I'm going to give you some kind of red flags to look for. I'm going to read through them. Just mentally check off yes or no.
06:59
So have you ever said, I'm fine, while stuffing down the feeling of being on the verge of tears because you have so much you're dealing with or so much to do? No, no, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
07:11
No, no, no. I can handle it. Totally fine. Yeah, I got it. And you want to cry. Number two, you have redone work that was already good enough because it wasn't perfect enough or because you were worried that somebody would find a flaw.
07:26
Number three, you have declined help that you really need because you don't want to look weak or incapable. Number four, people are genuinely shocked if they find out that you are struggling or if you ever admit that you're struggling with something.
07:46
Next one. You are working through illness, exhaustion, or personal crisis without telling anyone. You just keep going. No matter what's going on in your personal life, you don't ask for accommodations.
08:00
You don't ask for a lessened workload because you don't want people to know that you can't handle that, even through upheaval and things going wrong in your life. Next one, it's very uncomfortable for you to receive help.
08:16
You're much more comfortable giving help than being on the receiving end of help. Just think about that one for a second. Next one, you feel resentment that you are not supported the same way or to the same degree that you support others.
08:34
Next one. Stress and overwhelm are a regular part of your life. They keep you up at night sometimes. They keep you wound up and ruminating and worrying during the day, but stress and overwhelm are like regular parts of your life.
08:53
Next one, you're never able to totally unplug from work duties and relax. Downtime, what is that, right? Because when you are not physically working, you are thinking about work or you are thinking about the tasks that need to be done.
09:09
And work can be anything. It can be a professional job. It can be, you know, being a mom at home with kids, anything that counts to you as quote unquote work. And the last one, your defense mechanism or the way you feel safe is keeping people at a little bit of a distance so that they don't get too close and see how messy or how weak or how disorganized a person you are.
09:39
Because that's where the loneliness comes from, right? So you like people to just be a little bit at a distance. If you've got three or more of those going, then I think we're talking about you two, just so you know.
09:55
And the reason that it matters is because this is costing you. There's a physical cost. Your body is keeping the score, right? When you're running on adrenaline and five hours of sleep and ruminating in the background all the time, because front facing, you're making everything look effortless.
10:17
Your nervous system is in constant activation. Right? We talk about fight and flight and fawn. Freeze is what happens when we don't have the time and energy to attend to our nervous system. And we live in what is called functional freeze.
10:38
If nobody comes in to help us, if nobody comes in to kind of help us calm the threat or our nervous system to relax, we go into this functional freeze state where everything feels frozen, but we keep going, right?
10:54
We don't ever feel like we can really connect with people. We don't feel like we can be really vulnerable. We don't feel like we can be really seen or heard or listened to. And we are just doing, doing, doing, doing, doing all day long, trying to stay one step ahead of everything that is being asked of us.
11:11
But that functional freeze just becomes the way we exist. You might experience chronic fatigue that no amount of sleep really seems to fix. Maybe you're having digestive issues or headaches. You're getting sick more frequently.
11:28
Or maybe there's that feeling of like tired, but I'm also wired. Like I'm tired and I wish I could sleep, but I can't because the rumination cycle just is running in the background and I can't really settle.
11:39
Maybe you're taking something to sleep every night. That was me for a long, long time. I could not shut it off on my own. Exhausted, but really unable to rest. Your body is trying to tell you something, but you've gotten really good at overriding those signals.
11:58
And if that's where you are still in signal override, there is an expiration date on that. For me, it was really perimenopause. When that estrogen said, see ya, and my other, you know, progesterone and testosterone started, you know, fluctuating and changing, I couldn't keep it up anymore.
12:18
And then I had a tremendous feeling of being a failure, right? I couldn't keep all these plates spinning anymore. And not only was I weak, but now I was a failure. And so that is the situation that so many women who have been high producers, really type A, high achieving women, find themselves in around midlife because not only is the hormonal support changing because of aging and perimenopause, but the sheer effort becomes unsustainable.
12:52
And it shows up in our bodies. It shows up in the way that our bodies feel, in the way that our bodies support and help us. We feel like our body is betraying us. And some of that is just medical and can be fixed.
13:06
A lot of it is the physical load of the stress hormones and the lack of sleep that are just adding up. There's also an emotional cost. I've talked a little bit about the loneliness. It can be profound.
13:24
This feeling that you're surrounded by people, but that nobody really knows the real you because they can't know the real you, right? You've shown them the capable version, the strong version, the version that doesn't need anything.
13:38
And if they really knew you, what would they think of the person who has needs, who can't do everything? Another emotional cost is the resentment. When you are giving and producing constantly, something deep inside is keeping score.
14:01
And then that something starts to ask, why doesn't anyone check on E? Why isn't anyone showing up for me? Why isn't anybody asking me how I'm doing? Why isn't anybody supporting me the same way that I support other people?
14:16
Because of course they don't. You've made it impossible and I made it impossible for people to know that I needed it or that I wanted it. I actively worked to prevent people from knowing that I had needs and that I resented them for not knowing that.
14:36
And I have a little chuckle about that today, but that feeling of resentment can be really intense and really uncomfortable, and it can start to fray relationships, right? Because that resentment doesn't just sit in your body.
14:51
It comes out sideways. It comes out in comments. It comes out in the way you show up and in your energy. And that's one of the costs. Another cost is disconnection from yourself, right? You've spent so much energy managing how other people perceive you that you have lost touch with how you actually feel, what your needs actually are, what you actually want.
15:17
I find it fascinating, but not at all confusing. It makes total sense that the most common thing that women say to me is, I don't even know who I am or what I want. Because we've been managing this outward, forward-facing performance for decades.
15:36
And so when we start to ask the question, who am I or what do I really want here? We haven't spent any time connecting with that or answering it. And so we don't know. So common. If you're feeling that, absolutely.
15:51
That makes so much sense. Another cost is the anxiety. There is an underlying kind of hum of fear of being found out, right? Of being discovered that maybe someday somebody will see behind the curtain and realize that not only are you struggling, that you're just human, but that you have needs and that you have all of these feelings of anxiety and loneliness and resentment back there.
16:22
And what would they think of you then? The last real big part of this cost is the stress and overwhelm, right? That constant feeling of being under the gun, the hurry, hurry, hurry, just more, more, more, more, more, more.
16:38
I used to have this mental image that would come to mind where I imagined a donkey and a cart and a driver. And I was both the donkey and the driver. And everything I was doing for everybody was in the cart.
16:55
And so I would crack the whip on myself and say, more, I need more. I need you to do just a little more, just a little faster, just a little harder. Just finish this next thing. And that stress and overwhelm just wears out your endocrine system.
17:10
Your nervous system is constantly on alert. It's a really, really hard way to live. There's also an identity cost because when you've built an identity around being the capable one, the strong one, the one who doesn't need help, you then become trapped in it.
17:27
And here's how that happens. Because if I admit I'm struggling, if I ask for help, who am I then? Like that is almost a terrifying thought. Who am I if I'm not producing? If I'm not highly independent, if I'm not high achieving, if that's who I really am, and if that's the strategy that I have developed so that I can matter in the world, who am I without that?
17:56
Will I be loved without it? Will I be wanted? Will I still have a place and connection if I'm not this high achieving person who doesn't have needs and doesn't need help? It's a prison of our own making.
18:14
And you are both the prisoner and the guard, keeping everyone else out so that they don't see and keeping yourself in because that's where you learned it was safe. Even though it feels terrible, even though it's not what works for you anymore, it can feel really difficult to start to let people in and see because it might jeopardize everything.
18:40
Will they still love me? Will they still want me? Will I still have connection with them? What this creates is a list of things that we're missing. We're missing real intimacy because intimacy requires vulnerability.
18:57
We're missing genuine support because we won't let people help. We're missing true rest because you can't let your guard down. We're missing authentic connection because people can only connect with the version of you that you are willing to show them.
19:15
Right? I have so many women who say, I want deeper friendships. I want deeper relationships. I want to be known and I want to be seen and I want to be held and I want to be understood. And that requires showing them our real selves who struggle, who need, for whom things are not always easy.
19:38
And we end up sacrificing the very things that make life really meaningful, the connection, the belonging, that being truly known and loved. Because we have to maintain the image that gets us the love.
19:54
We are hustling every day to be worthy of those things, right? And we're getting connection and belonging and, you know, kudos and rewards by producing, but that only takes us so far. And we don't get the deeper vulnerability and connection that only comes by letting ourselves really be known.
20:16
It is the cruelest irony. It really is so, so cruel that the very way that we feel safe and we feel valuable is what keeps us from the deepest intimacy and belonging. The other aspect of this that I think needs to be addressed is that this constant hiding of our own efforts and needs teaches the people around us some very specific lessons.
20:45
It teaches them she doesn't need help. When you make everything look easy, people believe you. They take you at your word when you say, I'm totally fine. I can totally handle it. So they stop offering.
20:58
They stop checking in. And it's often not because they don't care, but because you've trained them that you don't need their care, that you're fine without their care. And then we feel resentful because they're not checking in.
21:12
Another thing it teaches people is that, you know what, Sara's fine with this workload. When I was taking on more without ever being asked, when I was showing up over and over again without looking like I was breaking a sweat, people assumed that that was my capacity.
21:30
And so I was given more, right? Your boss gives you another project because last time you quote unquote handled it so well. Your colleagues come to you because you're so good at this, right? You're the one who gets the knock on the door and you're helping other people with their workload while your own doesn't get addressed.
21:48
And you accidentally teach people that your breaking point is much higher than it actually is, or that you don't have one at all, and that you can be the person that they come to, that they ask more from, because you're fine with this workload.
22:06
You also teach people that this is what competence looks like. If you are in a leadership position, if you are the mom of kids, if you are the daughter or the friend, right? It doesn't matter which relationship you are in.
22:23
If you are showing people that you never struggle, they will think that that is what competence looks like. Never asking for help, never showing uncertainty, right? And the people around you begin to think that they have to have it all figured out too, that they can't ask for help.
22:43
At work, maybe junior colleagues feel inadequate because they're openly struggling with things that you seem to breeze through. Think about how we all get to take like a deep breath when we realize, oh my gosh, that's hard for you too.
23:01
Or, oh my gosh, you're struggling with that too. Or, oh my gosh, you have that need too. It's not just me. That's what we keep ourselves from having and the people around us from having the human connection of struggle, because what we're showing everybody is that competence looks like there is no struggle.
23:24
We're also teaching people that our value comes from what we produce. When people only ever see us being useful, being productive, being helpful, they start relating to you primarily as a resource, not as a person.
23:41
They value what you do and not who you are. Caveat, in some situations, this is normal, right? Your children are not going to see you as a person for a while. And what you do for them is highly, highly valuable because they survive, right?
23:59
But in work situations, I remember a client who constantly had the knocks on the door asking for her help because she was so highly competent and highly productive. Everybody saw her as the problem solver, the one who could get it done.
24:15
And she took a lot of work home with her on weekends. All of these things that we teach the people around us end up doing something really insidious and really sad. They confirm our deepest fear because when people see us as not needing help, they stop checking on us.
24:36
When people see us as fine with the workload and give us more, when people look at us and see that that's what competence looks like, they start hiding their struggles from us. And when they know that we feel like we're valuable because of what we produce, that does something even more insidious and I think really sad because it confirms our deepest fears.
25:04
What we teach other people keeps the cycle going that confirms our deepest fears. It's often subconscious, right? It's not something that we talk about. But when we see people relating to us as a person who has no needs because that's what we've taught them, that confirms our deepest fears that we are only loved or only valuable for what we produce.
25:32
And so that cycle and mindset just keeps going and going and going. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it is so sad. It is really sad. I also just want to name some of the beliefs that we might not even know that we have.
25:52
There are a couple of core beliefs that kind of underpin all of this behavior. Number one, my value comes from what I produce. If you believe that your value is tied to your productivity, it's probably because that was taught to you when you were young.
26:10
You were praised for what you produced. That's how you got buy-in with the adults. That's how you got belonging. So of course, you learn to hide any evidence that you're struggling because struggling means producing less or not doing the same high-level job, which means being worthless or that you're not up to the task.
26:33
And so if you have that belief, it makes a lot of sense, but I want to push it a little bit further. So let's say that someone sees that you're valuable for what you produce. And then you think they're only going to want me around when I'm useful.
26:51
And if you stop being useful, then what'll happen? Well, then they're going to leave. And if they leave, then I'll be alone. And if I'm alone, then I'll discover that I'm not actually worthy of being loved just for me.
27:08
So do you see how we got there? The fear isn't really about productivity. It's about the really terrifying possibility that without your achievements, you're not enough, that you're not lovable, that you do have to earn it.
27:24
And what I want you to understand is that that is not true. That is fundamentally not how being a worthy human works. And do you want relationships where you have to earn your place through constant production?
27:40
Is that love? Is that what you want in relationships that are meaningful to you? Because to me, that just sounds like transaction. And in some cases, transaction is appropriate, but not in our deepest, most meaningful and valuable relationships.
28:01
Belief number two is that having needs makes me a burden. This belief tells you that your needs are inherently problematic, that asking for help means that you are quote unquote too much for people to handle.
28:17
This might have also been something that you received as a child. The big people in your life, maybe they told you that you were too much, that you were too loud, that you were too dramatic, or that something that you wanted was too inconvenient.
28:32
And so you learned, right, I need to keep it small. I need to keep myself small. So let's just look at what that belief kind of feels like under the surface. So if I ask for help and someone is annoyed, then I'll know that I was right, that I am too much.
28:48
So I don't even want to ask, right? Just the fact that that might be confirmed to me that I am too much keeps me from even wanting to ask the question. But what if that person is just having a bad day?
29:02
Or what if their annoyance says more about them than it says about you? Or what if there are people who would be happy to help? You miss out on all of that because one person's potential negative reaction represents, you know, the universal truth about your needs being too much.
29:24
Like I want you to just play with that for a little bit. Belief number three. If people see me struggle, they will lose respect for me. You know, this is the belief that competence and struggle are mutually exclusive.
29:41
So let's say someone sees you struggle. Then what would happen next? Maybe you might think they're going to think less of me. They're going to think I'm weak. While that makes sense, and while this is also something that the big people might have taught you when you were little, I want you to just ask yourself, how do you know what they think?
30:05
Have you ever lost respect for someone that you admired when they admitted something was hard? If you have, that's okay. And if you haven't, that's really interesting. Because sometimes, and actually, I'm going to go a little further and say all the time, the right people, when they see your struggle, it's actually an opportunity to build vulnerability and intimacy and to feel closer to them.
30:33
And that can be true no matter which relationship it is. Belief number four, if I let my guard down, I will be hurt or disappointed. This is that distance that I was talking about, right? Because if I let people close enough to me to see that I need something or that I want something from them and they let me down, oh, I'm not going to be able to handle that.
30:58
So I'm just going to keep them a little bit distant. So I want you to think about what that feels like underneath the loneliness, right? The lack of being able to be seen. That's something that I personally really deeply felt.
31:15
Like I just had to kind of keep people at a distance, but I was so lonely. So I just want to push on that for a second. So what if people let you down? And then what'll happen, right? You'll be devastated, maybe.
31:31
And then you can recover. You can get over it. You can learn to honor other people's limitations just like you want your own limitations honored. Yes, it would hurt. But is the pain of potential disappointment worse than the pain of guaranteed loneliness?
31:53
Because that's the trade, right? You're choosing certain isolation to avoid possible disappointment. And I know we're not going to resolve all that today, right? That's why we have coaching. That's why you can schedule a call with me.
32:10
That's why we can talk about this. But I want to name those beliefs because they can change. All of them come from kind of a core wound, if you want to call it. The belief that you are not inherently worthy of love, care, and belonging just as you are.
32:30
That it requires some kind of a performance for you to earn love. And everything else, the achieving, the performing, the hiding of the effort, the rejection of help, those are all strategies to try and earn what you don't believe you simply deserve to receive.
32:51
And here's, I think, what just feels really devastating to me. You can never achieve your way into worthiness because you achieve the hell out of Monday and now it's Tuesday, right? You achieve the hell out of Tuesday and now it's Wednesday.
33:09
And that's why we're so exhausted. It is a never-ending grind because worthiness isn't something that can be earned. It's something you either believe you have or you don't. Now, if you're like me, if I had been listening to this podcast episode, you know, in a past version of myself, I would have had some thoughts.
33:34
Number one, like, but I do need to be capable and productive. I do need that. And I'm not suggesting that you stop being excellent at what you do. There's a difference between being competent and performing effortlessness.
33:50
There's a difference between being competent and performing effortlessness. You can be excellent at your job and honest about when something is challenging. You can be highly capable and willing to ask for help sometimes.
34:06
You can be very productive and transparent about your workload, strong and vulnerable. The issue here isn't achievement. It's the hiding of the human experience or the effort that it takes to get that achievement.
34:22
I might have also been thinking in the past, you know, what if I actually work in a toxic environment? And that's valid. Sometimes that is true. We genuinely work in situations where we have seen other people be punished for being vulnerable about their struggles.
34:40
But that's the question we need to ask. Have you actually seen that happen? Or have you just assumed that would happen? Because that's your fear talking. If it's true and you are in a genuinely toxic work environment, then we need to talk about whether or not that environment is safe for you to be in at all and how we might change that and get you to a place where it feels safe.
35:04
But here's what also happens sometimes. There is the assumption that the workplace is toxic because your insides are toxic. You're projecting those internal beliefs onto the work environment and you've never actually tested whether or not vulnerability is going to be punished or rewarded.
35:27
And so there's an opportunity there to test with people who feel safe whether or not you can be more honest about what's going on for you. I also might have thought, you know, but what if people have taken advantage of me before?
35:42
People did, and that hurt, right? I'm sure that people have taken advantage of you too, and that hurt. But that is one person's behavior. And we can't let that dictate how we're going to show up in every relationship for the rest of our lives.
35:56
Not everyone is safe. And not everyone is unsafe either. The work is learning how to discern who deserves your vulnerability and not closing yourself off to everyone just as a precaution. That's what creates that lonely experience.
36:15
Last thing I might have been thinking is, okay, but what if people really do need me to be the strong one? Sometimes this will be true in our lives, and we might want to be the strong one for reasons that we like.
36:31
But that's just it. We should be able to get to choose to be strong when we examine the reasons and not just because that's what's expected of us. When we are used to being the strong one, oftentimes we just step into that role without even being asked or even seeing if it is needed.
36:51
It's kind of an automatic reaction. And what I have learned is people usually, yeah, there are going to be emergencies and times of stress and even chaos. And our strength might be needed at that time.
37:06
That might actually happen. But what people need more often is not for us to be superhuman. They need us to be sustainable. Our children need us to admit, I'm having a hard day, and to cry in front of them so that they know that our tears are not a problem.
37:25
It's a normal part of being a human. The people that we work with need us to admit that our capacity is being stretched because that models healthy boundaries. The people that work underneath us need to know that we have limits and that we will not work outside of them so that they can learn to have healthy boundaries and limitations as well.
37:53
When we show up as a whole human, that's actually not letting people down. It's giving them permission to be human too. So let's talk about some things you might do to unravel this. It's not about flipping a switch and suddenly becoming vulnerable about everything, right?
38:11
The goal is authenticity, being able to show up as that whole human who struggles, who has boundaries, who has needs, who has wants, who needs rest. So notice the performance. Start paying attention to the gap between how you're feeling and what you're showing others.
38:30
Notice when you say, I'm fine when you're not, or when you're putting a lot of effort into making something look easy when it's hard. You don't have to change anything yet. I just want you to notice.
38:42
Number two, if you listen to the beliefs section, maybe go back and listen to this again, which ones ring true for you and just start questioning them. Ask yourself, where did I learn that my value comes from what I produce?
38:57
What would happen if I showed effort? Write it down. Get these beliefs out of your head and onto some paper or sign up for a call with me using the link in the show notes and I will talk them through with you.
39:10
Then I want you to run small experiments. Start testing different beliefs with small, low stakes experiments. Tell one person something that was hard. Ask for help with something small. Admit you don't know something.
39:28
Say, you know what? I'm actually pretty overwhelmed when someone asks you how you are. And just see what happens. I can guarantee you that most people are going to respond with relief and connection and respect, not judgment.
39:43
And those who respond with judgment, we need to talk about whether or not you want to open up to them because they might not be people who can handle it. Practice receiving. That's another amazing thing that you can do.
39:55
Let someone buy you coffee without assisting that you're going to get the next one. Let someone help you without immediately feeling like you have to return the favor or shower them with praise for doing something small to help you.
40:09
Accept compliments without deflecting or diminishing. We have to learn this lesson that our worth is not contingent upon maintaining a perfect balance sheet of giving and receiving, right? Just let yourself receive.
40:27
And then as we wrap up here, I want to just give you a taste of what life looks like on the other side. It means that you have friends who know you're struggling before you have to really spell it out, who love you no matter what is going on for you, who are ready and willing to listen to you and see you and hear you.
40:46
You're respected for your skills and your honesty about your capacity. You get to go to bed without the weight of maintaining that performance and that rumination cycle is switched off. And you get to feel worthy even on days when what you accomplish isn't what it used to be or when you accomplish nothing.
41:10
This isn't a fantasy. Actually, what becomes possible when you stop performing effortlessness and start showing up as your whole self? I would love to talk about this with you. DM me what resonated. Set up a call.
41:25
Let's talk it through. Thanks for being here. I'll see you next week.
